Posts Tagged ‘romance’

Day T-125 and counting…

Posted: June 2, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Saturday, April 3, 2010

Ceecee thinks she can’t swim, but she can. She was an army brat growing up and never had swimming lessons. Now she wants to start swimming, but she always says she doesn’t know how. Back when we lived in Dodge City, KS, I took her to the pool and she said she didn’t know how to swim. I showed her the basic strokes and she swam just fine, but today when we went to the pool at the Meyer Center, she said she didn’t know how to swim again.

I showed her again and she swam, but she could only do one length of the pool without stopping. Now we’re home and she’s filling out job applications. She got a teaching license by taking some exams, so she has a certification in science and she wants to have her own classroom next year. That would really help us out financially and would give her more of a sense of fulfillment, I think.

Tomorrow is Easter and it’s not really a big deal, but we’ve always celebrated it and my wife is kind of silly about these things. I always get her a basket with candy and usually a little gift and I put them out at night when she’s in bed. I’ll do the same tonight, but I don’t really know if it matters this year.

Day T-131 and counting…

Posted: May 28, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Sunday, March 28, 2010

I took Ceecee to The Starting Block, a store for tri-athletes today. She is really excited about all this and wants to start training for what she calls “mini” triathlons. I don’t know what that means, but I support her and I bought her an expensive swimsuit to race in.

For some reason, she seems to have turned somewhat cold toward me in general. I know that work isn’t going well for her and she’s frustrated, but things at home are different.

It came on all of a sudden. We went to a resort in Branson over spring break called The Falls and it was supposed to be a really great time together, but it wasn’t quite what I expected. We had fun, but something just wasn’t right. Then, after we got back home, she just seemed to get angry and turn cold. I don’t know what I did, if anything, and she won’t talk about it. She just says she’s fine, but I know when a woman says that, it’s never that simple.

Flirting: Is It Just Harmless Fun?

Posted: March 7, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Is there any harm in flirting or is it all just harmless fun?  If you’re married, it depends. 

Flirting with your spouse is not only fun, it’s a highly recommended way to increase the romance and intimacy in your relationship and keep things from getting stale.  Flirting with anyone other than your spouse is an absolute no.  As in, it’s never ok.

Some of you won’t like that, but I’m not trying to make friends here.  I’m trying to save, heal, and restore marriages, and that requires some straight talk.  Just because something is passed off as “normal” doesn’t make it right, and saying “everybody does it” is not only a cop-out, it isn’t even true.

The question you should be asking is, “How does my spouse feel about it?”  More pointedly, “How would my spouse feel if he or she could see me right now flirting with someone else?”   The reason I ask that second question is that people in relationships that are less than what they should be often don’t tell the truth, even to each other.  It’s not uncommon for someone to say, “My wife/husband doesn’t care if I flirt,” when the truth is, there isn’t enough trust or intimacy there for the other person to feel that he or she can tell the truth about how it makes him or her feel.

The bottom line is, you can either love your spouse the way he or she was meant to be loved, or you can be selfish and not experience the type of fulfillment that a great marriage brings.  You really can’t have it both ways.

If you want a happy, fulfilling marriage, your actions – all of them – have to be motivated by love.  Love is something you make.  Love is something you do, and if you do it right, your spouse will know that there is no one else on your mind or in your heart.  A person with that level of security will open up and show you the kind of love in return that makes playing games with anyone else utterly unappealing.

Does a little “harmless” flirting hurt anything?  You bet it does.  It hurts the one you’re supposed to love, and it hurts yourself by working against the very thing you should want the most; a marriage characterized by closeness and outward expressions of love for one another.

A Good Memory Is a Good Memory

Posted: February 22, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Last Saturday, Ceecee and I were sharing a picnic in Forest Park in St. Louis.  It was a bit chilly, but we had blankets and an adventurous spirit, so we gave it a go.  We also had some really good stuff from Trader Joe’s and Global Foods, a specialty food store in one of the burbs, so we were looking forward to this picnic.

We found a spot by the water before the sun went down and began to unpack the picnic basket.  I had mentioned other such picnics we had shared over the years and we reminisced a bit over these.  I was telling her about these pictures that I often look at where it was a sunny day and she was lying there smiling.  Interestingly enough, that picnic was during our separation.

The very first time we visited St. Louis, we sat in the same park and shared a bottle of wine (probably illegal, I realize) and a European style lunch of fruit, bread, and cheese on the grass not far from the art museum.  Since Forest Park is larger than New York City’s Central Park, we have shared similar experiences in many different locations and don’t even remember where they were or how to get to them now.  There’s something very romantic about spreading a blanket and pulling a cork and sharing an intimate meal of finger foods and vino.

So back to us being separated.  Even when things were at their worst, St. Louis was the one thing we never let go of.  We still went once a month, and for that one day, it was almost as if we were still Brian And Ceecee.  We still had fun, and we still had picnics.

This past weekend, Ceecee said something about it being too bad we didn’t have cookies for the ride home.  She was referring to a special memory we share of buying a box of specialty cookies at Vitale’s Bakery on The Hill.  As we drove home, we opened the box to sample the different flavors.  By the time we got home, we had eaten the entire box.  Although we are normally too health conscious to do something like that, it was completely spontaneous and we laughed and shared and enjoyed every bit of that experience.

When she mentioned it, I immediately had the thought,” I wonder if that was before, during, or after our separation.”  For a time, shortly after we had gotten back together, I obsessed over time frames and what was happening when.  I’m not sure why I thought that mattered, but I was always trying to place events and memories in context of where our relationship had been at the time.

Almost as quickly as I had the thought, another took its place.  I told Ceecee what I had been thinking and then said, “I realized that it doesn’t matter.  It’s just always been us.”  She agreed, “A good memory is a good memory.”

The challenge is to apply that to everything.  It doesn’t matter how or when or why certain things happened.  What matters is to celebrate the good and let go of the rest.  Treasure the memories we want to keep, because they will be part of our legacy, and part of what makes our marriage ours and ours alone.

Love In Any Language

Posted: February 17, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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One of the things that made this year’s Valentine’s Day so special (even though we said we weren’t going to make a big deal out of it this year) was the way we’ve improved at speaking the languages of love.  I’m referring to the series of books by Gary Chapman which started with “The Five Love Languages,” and expanded from there.

In “The Five Love Languages,” Dr. Chapman identifies five categories through which people give and receive love.  He believes that individuals have a primary love language, much like we have a native language that we speak.  In many relationships, the two lovers have different primary love languages which leads to break-downs in being able to communicate the love that they truly do have for each other.

The five languages of love, according to Dr. Chapman are:  physical touch, acts of service, gifts, words of affirmation, and quality time.  Mine has pretty much always been words of affirmation with quality time as my secondary language.  Ceecee’s used to be gifts, but now is in close competition with physical touch.

I care very little about receiving gifts and Ceecee has never been one for words.  Understandably, that led to some problems earlier in our marriage.  When she would buy something for me, she meant to show love, but I didn’t understand that, because I wanted words and time from her.  When I would write her love letters, I meant to show love, but she didn’t get the message.

When we got back together, we realized that love couldn’t be on our terms.  If we were going to love properly, we needed to give what the other needed, not what we would have wanted for ourselves or what we were comfortable with.  Although it wasn’t natural for Ceecee to speak my love language, she chose to learn to do so.  Even though gifts don’t mean nearly as much to me, I realized that my love for Ceecee has to drive me to meet her needs, even if I don’t always understand them.

This year, during the snow day, I realized that part of what made it so beautiful was that I used all five love languages with Ceecee.  Of course I gave her gifts for Valentine’s Day.  I gave her physical touch with a full-body massage.  We spent quality time together.  I cooked a special dinner for her and pampered her (acts of service) and I gave her many affirming words by writing them on cards and by saying them to her.

The next day, she printed off a love letter that she had written to me.  It was full of affirmation and words of love and committment.  While it’s not a natural tendency for her to do something like this, she knows that it means a great deal to me.  The truth is, there’s nothing she could have bought in any store at any price that would have meant as much to me as the words in that letter.

Lucky February 13…..Again!

Posted: February 14, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Inasmuch as Ceecee and I both intended to have a low-key Valentine’s Day this year, a well-timed snow day and our generally fun and romantic marriage kicked in and changed that plan yesterday. 

Last year, Valentine’s Day was on a Monday and we took the 13th to spend as our day just as a practical matter.  This year, we weren’t planning on doing much, so we figured Tuesday evening would be it.  I was planning to cook a seafood dinner (at Ceecee’s request – like last year’s), and we were going to maybe exchange small gifts.

Then the snowstorm moved in and we got the call Monday morning that there was no school.  So there we were with a whole day, and the day before Valentine’s Day no less.  I had already bought most everything, and we have a cool grocery store a block from our downtown loft, so it was no problem to pick up anything else we needed.

Obviously, we decided to expand our celebration.  Mimosas and brunch are always a great start and we watched the snow fall while watching Les Miserables, one of our favorite movies.  Then there was a full body massage, lunch, a walk to the Bistro Market for a local brew, more relaxing, and I started cooking. 

I had bought some small, silly party favors and a box of “Tangled” valentines and I kept leaving things for her to find around the house.  I also had a gift or two to give her and a Hoops and Yoyo card.  We ate our seafood dinner, cuddled on the couch and watched “Shall We Dance?” A chick flick, no doubt, and we both cried at the scene where he comes up the escalator with the rose, even though we’ve seen it multiple times. 

It was a beautiful day, without diamonds or store-bought extravagance.  The extravagance is in our hearts, and we love freely and lavishly.  On the one hand, Valentine’s Day isn’t that big a deal now because we celebrate our love everyday.  On the other hand, if we get a free day and a chance to celebrate it more purposefully than usual, I’ll take that every time!

My Valentine’s “Official Notice”

Posted: February 11, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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This one’s extremely personal, but if I didn’t want everyone to read it, I wouldn’t be posting it on The Restoration Tour.  It’s also getting close to Valentine’s Day and that’s a stressor for some of you, so let me jump in and share some thoughts.

Last year’s Valentine’s Day was pretty over the top by normal standards, but since it was the year of the restoration tour, it was destined to be an all out celebration of romance and love.  (For more on that, see the posts “Lucky February 13” and “Lucky February 13, part 2,” dated July 22 and 23, 2011)  This year, it will be a lower budget, slimmed down celebration, but love will still be front and center, and the romance will be all about knowing my wife’s heart.

We’ve learned that giving doesn’t just mean buying something, and that gifts don’t always come from stores.  They come from really knowing the other person and intentionally doing what would mean the most.  That can involve using any of the Five Love Languages (see Gary Chapman’s excellent book for more on that), and it mostly means caring enough to pick up on the little clues and following through on what your true love wants and needs.

If you’re not creative, just go online and search “Valentine’s Day ideas” and you’ll be amazed at how much great stuff you’ll find.  Then tailor the ideas that appeal to you according to your level of comfort and what would really mean something to the one you love.  Make them personal, make them genuine, and don’t be afraid to have fun.

Below is the text of the “Official Notice” I wrote to Ceecee last year.  I got up during the night and left it to look as though it had been slipped under our door.  The idea came from the web.*  I just wrote my own words.

OFFICIAL NOTICE

You are herby notified of the following action:

In the matter of the marriage of C(full name omitted) and B(full name omitted)

To wit:  That by virtue of your indescribable beauty, wonderful spirit and personality, and pure and precious heart, that I (hereinafter referred to as your loving husband) am bound to you in love forever

And whereas you have stolen my heart by the ways you look at me

And whereas you have entrapped my heart with the way you treat me

And whereas you have captured my heart with the words you say to me

And whereas you have entwined my heart with cords of love by your touch

And whereas you have set my heart on fire with your kiss

And whereas you have brought joy to my soul with your smile

And whereas you have fulfilled my longings. satisfied my soul, and made my dreams come true

And whereas you have made me laugh more freely, love more deeply, feel more fully, and be more alive than any person ever could

I hereby serve this official notice upon you that I will love you with all that I am, body, soul, and spirit, from this day forward, and will make it my life’s goal to have the same effect on your heart and soul and life that you have had on mine, and to be the man who will demonstrate the meaning of love to you always.

Subscribed and sworn before you on this 14th day of February, 2011

My commission never expires

Signature omitted

* I think the idea for the official notice came from Michael Webb, but even if it didn’t, his website www.theromantic.com is a great place to get ebooks, sign up for tips via email, and get plenty of great ideas, not only for Valentine’s Day, but for a lifetime of love.

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