Sunday, July 4, 2010
Silver Dollar City was great today! Ceecee let me spoil her a little bit. I bought her this huge balloon that she carried all over and I took a bunch of pictures of her. We played around and went on a bunch of rides. It really felt pretty casual and then we stopped for food on the way home and she wanted me to watch a movie at the loft and stay with her overnight again. I’ve been staying almost every night on the weekends!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Last night was interesting. I didn’t bring Taylor to art walk and the reason was totally selfish. I figured that since art walk is downtown, where Ceecee’s apartment is, and that it would be at night, maybe if things went well she would ask me to spend the night again.
I also didn’t want it to be pressure, so I invited Adam, a mutual friend. He was worried about it, but I told him it would be fine and it was. We had a really good time. Ceecee wore my favorite brown shirt that I bought for her and she looked so amazing in it. We held hands all night and had fun and it just seemed so crazy that we’re not together. I did stay the night at her place and again, nothing happened, but it felt good to be there, even though it’s all really confusing.
I called Adam the next morning after I went back to Republic and asked him, “Are you as confused as I am about why we’re not together?” I figured he saw the whole thing and it didn’t make any sense that Ceecee and I could be like that, but not have a relationship. He said something really cool. He said, “You two are opposite sides of the same coin. You two are one.” I told Ceecee over the phone that he said that, but she didn’t say anything back. Tomorrow, we’re going to Silver Dollar City for the fourth of July, though.
Tonight we had a bike ride for triathlon training. Ceecee didn’t go. In fact, she hasn’t gone since the first night. It’s partly because she works irregular hours at her new job and I think she also feels uncomfortable because of what’s going on in our marriage. Something is a little bit wrong with my bike and the guy teaching the class told me where to take it to get it fixed.
Friday, July 2, 2011
I haven’t seen or barely talked to Ceecee since Tuesday morning. I don’t know what the rules are and what I’m allowed and not allowed to do. I don’t want to push, but I’m also supposed to be pursuing her to win her back. She wants time apart and I’m willing to give her that, but I don’t want her to think that I’m not wanting to be with her.
At the apartment, I’ve been praying and reading a lot about love and marriage. I’ve also been leaning on some friends, which is unusual for me. It was really weird, but my friend Joe told me about this guy he met in his neighborhood who has this amazing story of being divorced from his wife and then getting back together. He told me that now this guy helps other couples who are having marriage problems. He gave me his phone number, but I don’t know what to do with it.
I also have this idea that now I want to get a tattoo, but I’m not sure what or where. I realize that it’s just because I want so desperately to connect with Ceecee, but I really do feel this way. I’ve thought about getting a mini version of what she has somewhere on my body, but I’m afraid that would make me seem weak and desperate and I know that’s not what a woman wants.
Tonight, Ceecee and I are going to first Friday art walk. She wants me to bring Taylor. I want it to be like a date, but I’ll take what I can get at this point.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
I went to the trails to run today and I can’t tell you how painful it was trying to run with this rib injury. Every step was a stabbing pain, but the physical pain kind of took the focus off the pain in my heart, so it wasn’t all bad. I looked up some stuff online and talked to some people and I think I have a fractured rib or two. Actually, I think it’s in the cartilage, but according to web md, it’s still considered a fracture even if it’s only cartilage. It says it takes about 6 weeks to heal and that will be almost up to the triathlon.
At home, I keep praying and listening for God’s voice. I’m also really learning a lot from the Mort Fertel emails. It’s uncanny the way they seem to speak right to my situation. Today, I wrote some stuff down on paper and one thing was that I am to blame. I caused the separation in our marriage. I know it takes two and we both have a part in it, but I know that if I had been the man of God that Ceecee believed me to be when she married me that none of this would ever have happened.
It was really bizarre, but I prayed tonight about what to do about Ceecee and I felt like God told me to make things right with Brianna. She’s my daughter from a previous marriage and she lives in western Kansas. Things have been rough for a long time. I tried to get custody, but ended up agreeing to let her live with her Mom through mediation.
When she was in 8th grade, we moved from Kansas to Missouri and she said she was going to move with us. She didn’t, and her Mom has always tried to poison her against me. Since we moved, it just seems that our relationship has deteriorated to almost nothing. Anyway, I felt like tonight that God said to fix things with her, so I called her and talked to her about visiting. I told her I would make time for her and that I would do the transportation, even though her Mom is supposed to drive halfway.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Time for a dose of reality, I guess. We had a lot of fun in St. Louis yesterday and it was late when we got back so I crashed at the loft, but today, Ceecee said it was time for me to go and us to spend some time apart. She was sweet about it, but firm and I didn’t expect it to hurt nearly as much as it did.
She said she needed time to be by herself and figure things out and that was why we were separating. I lost it and just cried and cried after I left. I had to go home to the old apartment, and I’m sure Taylor was glad to see me, but I was a wreck and not worth seeing.
Monday, June 28, 2010
I think I did something in that fall yesterday, because my ribs are really sore. Other than that, things are pretty good. It was weird, but on Facebook, my mother-in-law said she heard that I might be coming out to Kansas and that it would be good to see me. I don’t know how much she knows about what’s going on, or what Ceecee has told her, but I figure if she’s reaching out to me, I’m going to take it as a good sign and go see her.
I’ve told my parents a version of the truth that’s very slanted. I’ve allowed them to believe that Ceecee moved on ahead of me because our lease wasn’t up yet, and that since Taylor isn’t ready to go into the Air Force, he’s going to stay in the old apartment while I kind of go back and forth between the two temporarily. They seem to be buying it and I don’t have the heart to tell them anything else. I’ve been divorced twice and this marriage has been the real deal. We’ve been together longer than my previous two marriages combined, and my parents have completely taken Ceecee and her kids as part of the family.
I believe that things are going to work out and I’m hoping that they will just never know the truth. If they don’t work out, well, I can’t face that. They just have to. On that subject, we’re going to St. Louis today to spend the day and I’ve spent every night in the loft so far. I can’t say I’m happy because everything is so uncertain, but so far, it’s been a lot better than I anticipated.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
This morning, we took our bikes out and rode together for the first time. We went to the mall so she could practice her route to work and see how long it took and then we went and did a little shopping. At Walmart, she bought me a back pack to ride with, which was really sweet and surprising.
I ended up being really glad I had it because on the way back, just a block from the loft, we hit an area where the road was torn up and I crashed. My front tire caught and stopped and I went over the handlebars. I kind of rolled in the air and allowed the backpack to take part of the fall and the skidding. I left a pretty good patch of skin from my left shoulder (I was wearing a sleeveless shirt) and a smaller one from my knee, but the bike held up fine.
When I was cleaning up in the bathroom though, it really hurt to bend over. There was a searing pain in my side and I don’t know what it was. It pretty much subsided after a while, but it kind of scared me.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
What a last two days this has been! I can’t even begin to recount all the flood of emotions and the feelings since yesterday morning. We picked up the keys in the morning – I waited in the car, I just didn’t have it in me to go in there – then we ran a few errands and picked up the truck.
Once Ceecee explained that she wanted us to share the Champagne and strawberries together and she asked me to stay the night, I felt better, but we were still separating. We also picked up a Captain Morgan set with these silly shot glasses.
They called from the bike shop and her bike was in. They said she needed to come in to get fitted for it and I didn’t see how there would be time, but of course, she was determined, so we went in the early afternoon. It’s a really cool bike.
The moving itself was excruciating. Carrying all of her stuff out of our apartment along with the stuff of ours – some of the furniture, our bed, etc – was awful, but she said she wanted to take the stuff that we would both want if and when we got back together, so that it would already be there.
The worst part was driving there. She took the car with a bunch of fragile stuff and went on ahead, while Taylor and I went in the moving truck. Closing that back hatch and driving away made the reality set in so tangibly that I really began to experience the hurt like I hadn’t yet. Now there was no denying it. This was happening. My wife and I were no longer going to be together.
After we got unpacked and Taylor and his friend were gone, we drank the Captain Morgan shots and the Champagne. Her favorite movie used to be “Pretty Woman” and ever since then, she’s always had a thing for strawberries with Champagne. It was actually a lot of fun, and I got to spend the night, just like she said. Nothing happened, but we slept in the same bed and, at least to me, we felt close.
This morning, she sat and watched the sun rise from one of the windows and took a picture of it. Then we walked over to a downtown cafe and had a really good breakfast. Angie came by later to see the place and Ceecee talked to her like things would work out and we’d be back together soon. She talked about where “we” would keep “our bikes” and things like that. I can’t help being hopeful that maybe this will only be a couple of weeks and I’ll be moving in.
Tonight, we walked a couple of blocks over to a place where she got a tattoo. She’s wanted one for a long time, but never got one, mostly because of me. I’ve never liked them, and I always told her I didn’t like them and wouldn’t like one on her. Earlier this Spring, when she was telling me how unhappy she was, she said I was controlling and smothering her and that me not letting her get a tattoo was part of it.
After that, I told her that she could and that our marriage was more important than that, but she just said she would get one if she wanted to and that I didn’t have any say in it anymore. A while back, she came up with the idea of a sun in the middle of her back and had this shop work up a design. Tonight, she got it put on.
It hurt more than she thought it would, and I sat next to her and held her hands throughout. I kept trying to look into her eyes and communicate without words how much I loved her, but I don’t think she got it. There were other people in the shop and I kept wondering if any of the women could see and were wishing that they were loved like that and how ironic it all was.
Anyway, it was later in the evening when they got finished and Ceecee asked if I wanted to stay again. Of course I was all too eager. Once again, we didn’t do anything, but she let me hold her before we fell asleep and it seems like this won’t be so bad after all!
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Yesterday, I wrote a long letter where I poured my heart out to Ceecee. I told her how sorry I was and how I realized how much I had hurt her and let her down. I talked about our love and how, just like her ring, it has been damaged, but it can be stronger than ever and no less beautiful. I put it on her pillow with her ring and just let her find it.
She read the letter and didn’t have any reaction at all. None. I mean, she didn’t do or say anything. I can’t believe it. I knew that her heart was hardened to me, but not this much. I thought for sure she would melt and things would change. I’ve always been able to give her really great gifts and come up with really big surprises. That’s just been part of our marriage.
We had lunch together at the mall today while she was on her break from Dillard’s. Tomorrow she gets the keys to her loft and life as I’ve known it will be over. She’s really stressed and I keep trying to tell her it doesn’t have to be like this, but it doesn’t do any good. In fact, the more I say those kinds of things, the more insistent she becomes that she has to go through with this.
She doesn’t have a car (we only have one and I’m keeping it because I’ll still be living in Republic with Taylor and she’ll be downtown). She plans on using her bike and the bus for transportation, but her bike hasn’t come in yet. The order got messed up because they didn’t know what color she wanted, so she’s been waiting all this time. It’s supposed to be in tomorrow.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Today I picked up Ceecee’s wedding ring from the jewelery shop. It really turned out nice. I can’t believe I waited this long to do this. I’m so ashamed of myself, but I am going to write her a love letter and give it to her with the ring. I haven’t decided exactly how yet, but I’m going to have it be a surprise and I think her heart will melt and she’ll understand. I have to believe that she still loves me deep down and that this will allow us to break through all the defenses she’s put up.
In the afternoon, I went and rode the bicycle course for the Tiger Tri, the triathlon Ceecee and I are going to be in this August. It was tough, but it was also a blast. I don’t know why I waited so long to get into road cycling. Going down some of those hills at those speeds was amazing!
The Restoration Tour 