Posts Tagged ‘divorce’

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Yesterday was one of the most important days on the restoration tour.

Friday was pretty significant as well, but in a different way.  Our 80’s date was a lot of fun, but was also somewhat painful, as it brought out a lot of memories and feelings that neither of us really wanted to be part of our night out.  Even so, it was good and I’m glad we did it.

Yesterday, we restored Eureka Springs, though.  That was huge.

We hadn’t known about Eureka Springs for that long before all of our problems really became a threat to our marriage.  We had “discovered” it after years of people telling us how wonderful it was, but us just thinking that it was in Arkansas, so how great could it be?

When we finally went, we fell completely in love with it and it became sort of a magical getaway place for us.  It was also the place we went for a make-up weekend after I came clean about what had been going on with me during the time that I felt like our marriage was maybe no longer going to work.

It was where I got Ceecee to go with me prior to our separation last year, when I thought for sure that if we could go to that place and spend a day together, that she would realize that we needed to stay together and work things out.  She didn’t, and that day in particular has haunted me ever since.

No more, though.

Yesterday we went back as a happily married and in love couple and experienced that beauty of that place the way we had before and always should have.  We went to all our favorite spots, enjoyed all the feelings that came with it, and exorcised those memories from last year.  It was one of the last major stops on the tour, and we’ve only got a little more than  month to go!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

What a beautiful time of restoration this is.

This morning, Ceecee and I had breakfast at Gailey’s, an old fashioned diner downtown right near our new loft.  It’s become a special place for us and symbolic of our “new” marriage.

Afterward, we went over to City Utilities to get our service turned on at the new loft.  It sounds silly, I suppose, but it turned out to be the highlight of my day.

See, when we separated, I was there in City Utilities when she got service in only her name on the old loft, the one where she lived by herself before I moved back in.  I stood by while she said she was the only one who would be living there and that there was no one else on the account.

Today, my heart nearly burst when I stood with her at the same counter and I heard her say, “my husband,” when the lady asked her if anyone else would be living in the new place.

Once we were done there, we picked up the keys to the new place and started taking a couple of car loads of fragile stuff over.  Tomorrow morning, we get the truck and do the main moving.

I don’t like moving, but this is one move I’m truly looking forward to!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

The pain this morning was unbearable. Not from my ribs, unfortunately. That would have been easy to understand, but it was what happened at the loft that devastated me beyond what I could have imagined.

It rained yesterday and Ceecee called me and asked me to pick her up last night after work. I took her home and I wanted to stay. I don’t think she really wanted me to, but she felt bad about having me drive all the way to Springfield at that time of night, so she said it was ok if I wanted to.

Then I told her about my conversation with Kevin and Deb’s offer to talk to her. She didn’t really say much, but I could tell she was resistant to the idea. She always has been against going to counseling or anything like that. She always says, “I’m not talking to some stranger about our problems.” I told her they aren’t counselors, just two people who have a story. Neither of us wanted to turn it into a fight, so I left it alone.

In the morning, she pretty much told me good-bye again, with no indication that anything would change and I was having a hard time with it. I felt like I was trying to win her back and she wasn’t responding at all, so I brought up the subject. She said she no longer had those kind of feelings for me. She said that she cared about me, but that she was too hurt by everything that had happened and she didn’t know if she could feel that way anymore.

I asked her when I had lost her heart. She said she didn’t know exactly, but that it had been some time. I told her that I didn’t feel like I had really had her heart for years and I couldn’t understand why. Then she told me that I had had her heart completely since we had lived in Missouri.

That was kind of a shock to me. We moved here in August of 2005 and I thought that our marriage had been rocky since before that. She said no, that while we were in Republic, that she would be proud of me while I was playing the bass in church and think, “that’s my guy.” Then she said that she didn’t think she would ever feel that way again and that I needed to go.

I left there completely broken and devastated. Just two days ago, I felt like maybe we were about ready to get back together! I cried until I had no more tears and called people just so I wouldn’t have to feel alone. What am I going to do if this doesn’t work out?

Friday, July 2, 2011

I haven’t seen or barely talked to Ceecee since Tuesday morning. I don’t know what the rules are and what I’m allowed and not allowed to do. I don’t want to push, but I’m also supposed to be pursuing her to win her back. She wants time apart and I’m willing to give her that, but I don’t want her to think that I’m not wanting to be with her.

At the apartment, I’ve been praying and reading a lot about love and marriage. I’ve also been leaning on some friends, which is unusual for me. It was really weird, but my friend Joe told me about this guy he met in his neighborhood who has this amazing story of being divorced from his wife and then getting back together. He told me that now this guy helps other couples who are having marriage problems. He gave me his phone number, but I don’t know what to do with it.

I also have this idea that now I want to get a tattoo, but I’m not sure what or where. I realize that it’s just because I want so desperately to connect with Ceecee, but I really do feel this way. I’ve thought about getting a mini version of what she has somewhere on my body, but I’m afraid that would make me seem weak and desperate and I know that’s not what a woman wants.

Tonight, Ceecee and I are going to first Friday art walk. She wants me to bring Taylor. I want it to be like a date, but I’ll take what I can get at this point.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

What a last two days this has been! I can’t even begin to recount all the flood of emotions and the feelings since yesterday morning. We picked up the keys in the morning – I waited in the car, I just didn’t have it in me to go in there – then we ran a few errands and picked up the truck.

Once Ceecee explained that she wanted us to share the Champagne and strawberries together and she asked me to stay the night, I felt better, but we were still separating. We also picked up a Captain Morgan set with these silly shot glasses.

They called from the bike shop and her bike was in. They said she needed to come in to get fitted for it and I didn’t see how there would be time, but of course, she was determined, so we went in the early afternoon. It’s a really cool bike.

The moving itself was excruciating. Carrying all of her stuff out of our apartment along with the stuff of ours – some of the furniture, our bed, etc – was awful, but she said she wanted to take the stuff that we would both want if and when we got back together, so that it would already be there.

The worst part was driving there. She took the car with a bunch of fragile stuff and went on ahead, while Taylor and I went in the moving truck. Closing that back hatch and driving away made the reality set in so tangibly that I really began to experience the hurt like I hadn’t yet. Now there was no denying it. This was happening. My wife and I were no longer going to be together.

After we got unpacked and Taylor and his friend were gone, we drank the Captain Morgan shots and the Champagne. Her favorite movie used to be “Pretty Woman” and ever since then, she’s always had a thing for strawberries with Champagne. It was actually a lot of fun, and I got to spend the night, just like she said. Nothing happened, but we slept in the same bed and, at least to me, we felt close.

This morning, she sat and watched the sun rise from one of the windows and took a picture of it. Then we walked over to a downtown cafe and had a really good breakfast. Angie came by later to see the place and Ceecee talked to her like things would work out and we’d be back together soon. She talked about where “we” would keep “our bikes” and things like that. I can’t help being hopeful that maybe this will only be a couple of weeks and I’ll be moving in.

Tonight, we walked a couple of blocks over to a place where she got a tattoo. She’s wanted one for a long time, but never got one, mostly because of me. I’ve never liked them, and I always told her I didn’t like them and wouldn’t like one on her. Earlier this Spring, when she was telling me how unhappy she was, she said I was controlling and smothering her and that me not letting her get a tattoo was part of it.

After that, I told her that she could and that our marriage was more important than that, but she just said she would get one if she wanted to and that I didn’t have any say in it anymore. A while back, she came up with the idea of a sun in the middle of her back and had this shop work up a design. Tonight, she got it put on.

It hurt more than she thought it would, and I sat next to her and held her hands throughout. I kept trying to look into her eyes and communicate without words how much I loved her, but I don’t think she got it. There were other people in the shop and I kept wondering if any of the women could see and were wishing that they were loved like that and how ironic it all was.

Anyway, it was later in the evening when they got finished and Ceecee asked if I wanted to stay again. Of course I was all too eager. Once again, we didn’t do anything, but she let me hold her before we fell asleep and it seems like this won’t be so bad after all!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Yesterday, I wrote a long letter where I poured my heart out to Ceecee. I told her how sorry I was and how I realized how much I had hurt her and let her down. I talked about our love and how, just like her ring, it has been damaged, but it can be stronger than ever and no less beautiful. I put it on her pillow with her ring and just let her find it.

She read the letter and didn’t have any reaction at all. None. I mean, she didn’t do or say anything. I can’t believe it. I knew that her heart was hardened to me, but not this much. I thought for sure she would melt and things would change. I’ve always been able to give her really great gifts and come up with really big surprises. That’s just been part of our marriage.

We had lunch together at the mall today while she was on her break from Dillard’s. Tomorrow she gets the keys to her loft and life as I’ve known it will be over. She’s really stressed and I keep trying to tell her it doesn’t have to be like this, but it doesn’t do any good. In fact, the more I say those kinds of things, the more insistent she becomes that she has to go through with this.

She doesn’t have a car (we only have one and I’m keeping it because I’ll still be living in Republic with Taylor and she’ll be downtown). She plans on using her bike and the bus for transportation, but her bike hasn’t come in yet. The order got messed up because they didn’t know what color she wanted, so she’s been waiting all this time. It’s supposed to be in tomorrow.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Not much of a Father’s Day. Angie was really sweet and took good care of me, and I can tell Taylor really cares and that means a lot. The other girls sent me messages and they only sort of know what’s going on. Still, my marriage is failing and I don’t feel much like celebrating.

Tonight, we are going to the gym to start a triathlon training for beginners class. Then, who knows. Ceecee still talks like the separation is going to be temporary and that it will allow us to “find each other again.” I’ve stopped just hoping this will all pass and have started pursuing her again. I don’t know what else to do. We talked about it and I really get the feeling she wants me to pursue and try to win her back. I also think that she thinks that maybe I won’t. I don’t think she’s convinced that my love is real and I can’t blame her. Why would she be? I’ve haven’t really given her much reason to feel loved for quite a long time.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

What a painful, tearing experience. We – I don’t know why I said we – She (Ceecee) filled out an application on a loft apartment downtown. It’s a really cool place and we both liked it. When we left, she was all giddy with happiness. I was really upset and she asked me why. I couldn’t believe it.

I just told her the truth. I said I was really upset that she seemed happy to be leaving me. She said it wasn’t like that and that she picked a place that I would want to live in after we had some time apart. She said I would probably end up there before too long. Again, I don’t know if she’s just saying that, or if she really means it.

I’m still getting these marriage emails and it’s really weird. Sometimes it seems like they must really be coming from God, because they speak right to where I am at any given point. I am taking them to heart and trying to put it all into practice. Sometimes it seems to help and other times, it seems like nothing I do will ever make any difference.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Ceecee had her first day at Dillard’s today. Just training, but she’s excited. She doesn’t know what she’ll be doing yet. They have to train in all the departments, then they get their assignment.

We talked more about the separation. I hate the idea, but she’s selling me pretty hard on it and I don’t know what to think. She wants to go look at some places, so I guess maybe we will. It’s weird, she doesn’t give me any hope by her actions, but her words are really pretty convincing. She still says that she thinks this could be the way for us to end up back together.

I don’t get that at all, but I don’t know what to say or do. Nothing I’m doing is making any difference.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Never imagined today could turn out the way it did. We joined a bike club here in Springfield because we heard that they had group rides for beginners and tonight was one of their cookouts, so we showed up. Everyone ignored us and it seemed totally disorganized, so after a little while, we just left.

We were hungry and in a bad mood, so we stopped at a deli to get something to eat. While we were eating, Ceecee said she thought maybe we needed a separation. She said that we just seemed to be stuck and that something needed to change to get us out of where we were. She said she felt friendship toward me, but that was all, and she wondered if spending some time apart would make things more clear.

Of course, I was devastated and totally against the idea, but I mostly just listened and didn’t know what to say. I never thought it could come to this. I don’t know what to think. Apparently, she’s already been thinking about this, because she told me that she had priced some downtown apartments and some were affordable. I just said that we needed to sleep on it and could we talk about it again another day. Tomorrow is her first day at Dillard’s and everything is changing so fast. Am I losing her?

She wasn’t angry when she talked about it, or even emotional at all. She was just calm and rational, like she’s thought this through and it doesn’t bother her. What’s crazy is that she actually seemed hopeful, like separating could be a good thing. I couldn’t tell if she really meant that maybe it could be a path for us to work things out, or if she really just wants out of the marriage and hopes that if we split up that I will just let her go.