The Restoration Tour

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

The pain this morning was unbearable. Not from my ribs, unfortunately. That would have been easy to understand, but it was what happened at the loft that devastated me beyond what I could have imagined.

It rained yesterday and Ceecee called me and asked me to pick her up last night after work. I took her home and I wanted to stay. I don’t think she really wanted me to, but she felt bad about having me drive all the way to Springfield at that time of night, so she said it was ok if I wanted to.

Then I told her about my conversation with Kevin and Deb’s offer to talk to her. She didn’t really say much, but I could tell she was resistant to the idea. She always has been against going to counseling or anything like that. She always says, “I’m not talking to some stranger about our problems.” I told her they aren’t counselors, just two people who have a story. Neither of us wanted to turn it into a fight, so I left it alone.

In the morning, she pretty much told me good-bye again, with no indication that anything would change and I was having a hard time with it. I felt like I was trying to win her back and she wasn’t responding at all, so I brought up the subject. She said she no longer had those kind of feelings for me. She said that she cared about me, but that she was too hurt by everything that had happened and she didn’t know if she could feel that way anymore.

I asked her when I had lost her heart. She said she didn’t know exactly, but that it had been some time. I told her that I didn’t feel like I had really had her heart for years and I couldn’t understand why. Then she told me that I had had her heart completely since we had lived in Missouri.

That was kind of a shock to me. We moved here in August of 2005 and I thought that our marriage had been rocky since before that. She said no, that while we were in Republic, that she would be proud of me while I was playing the bass in church and think, “that’s my guy.” Then she said that she didn’t think she would ever feel that way again and that I needed to go.

I left there completely broken and devastated. Just two days ago, I felt like maybe we were about ready to get back together! I cried until I had no more tears and called people just so I wouldn’t have to feel alone. What am I going to do if this doesn’t work out?