Archive for July, 2012

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Not much of a Father’s Day. Angie was really sweet and took good care of me, and I can tell Taylor really cares and that means a lot. The other girls sent me messages and they only sort of know what’s going on. Still, my marriage is failing and I don’t feel much like celebrating.

Tonight, we are going to the gym to start a triathlon training for beginners class. Then, who knows. Ceecee still talks like the separation is going to be temporary and that it will allow us to “find each other again.” I’ve stopped just hoping this will all pass and have started pursuing her again. I don’t know what else to do. We talked about it and I really get the feeling she wants me to pursue and try to win her back. I also think that she thinks that maybe I won’t. I don’t think she’s convinced that my love is real and I can’t blame her. Why would she be? I’ve haven’t really given her much reason to feel loved for quite a long time.

Friday, June 18, 2010

We went downtown to the square to listen to some music. We’ve always been drawn to downtown and during the summer they have what they call “sounds on the square.” It’s a concert series of local bands and artists, some of which are really good and others aren’t. We just lounged in the grass and listened.

We’ve always dreamed of the downtown life, but now Ceecee is moving out and she is going to live downtown without me. We seem to be getting along pretty well and I can’t help thinking that this isn’t real. I just can’t believe that she won’t stop and change her mind. We’ve been together too long and been through too much for it to end like this. When I give her back her ring, she’ll see that things are going to be better now.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

These last couple of days have been pretty hard to describe. I’ve been a Christian for most of my life, but I’ve had times that I’ve really believed and been sold out to it, and times that I just play the game or go through the motions. The last several years, I’ve been playing the game.

Well, lately, I’ve been getting pretty serious about reaching out to God. I mean, I need help, and I don’t know where else to turn. So I’ve had some pretty intense times of praying and trying to get right with God for my marriage. I guess I realize that Ceecee has a free will and she’s going to do whatever she’s going to do, so there’s really no use praying for God to change her, but I need to change.

Last night and today, I’ve prayed like never before, and something just broke loose inside. There’s always been a part of my heart that I’ve held onto and I’ve never really let God have it all, but for the first time, I did. I cried until I don’t know where the tears came from anymore and things happened inside me that I can’t explain other than there’s a verse in the Bible that says, “I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart.”

God must have done that because something has changed inside and He showed me things about myself and our marriage that I would never have thought or imagined. It was so unbelievably painful to go through and it took more than a day, but I saw the truth about myself in ways that hurt more than I could have imagined.

He showed me how phony I’ve been. He showed me how badly I’ve neglected both Him and my wife. Then He showed me a vision. I saw my marriage as a house. At the start, it was a really great house, but over the years, it wasn’t kept up. I should have done things that needed taken care of, but I didn’t. I just put things off and let things go, and eventually the house was run down and ugly.

Then He began to show me specific ways that I had failed and areas of neglect that have led to where we are today. The first thing He showed me was about my wife’s wedding ring. This is hard for me to write, but she damaged it when she was working at Target over Christmas back in 2007. It’s a really cool, unique ring and part of it caught on a shopping cart and bent and some of the little diamonds came out and were lost.

Not long after that, I took it to a jeweler and the guy wanted a lot of money and didn’t really seem too interested in fixing it. I told him I’d think about it and he gave it back to me in a little plastic ziploc bag. I brought it home, put it in a drawer, and it’s been there ever since. I don’t know what I’ve been thinking. It’s 2010 and she hasn’t had a wedding ring to wear in more than 2 years! She hasn’t complained and I haven’t even really thought about it.

Anyway, I went to the gym this morning with Taylor and I brought the ring with me. I figured after our workout, I’ll find another jeweler, or I’ll just take it around from place to place. I didn’t really have any plan.

We left the gym and I didn’t know where I was going and as I was turning left out of the parking lot, there was a jeweler right across the street with a sign that said “repairs” on it. I’ve been going to work out right across the street from this place for years and I’ve never noticed it. I went in, talked to the guy, and he had some great ideas for fixing it and he hardly wants any money. I dropped it off and it should be ready within a week. I can’t wait to give it to her and show her that I’m changing! I haven’t said anything about it and I’m just going to have it be a surprise.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

What a painful, tearing experience. We – I don’t know why I said we – She (Ceecee) filled out an application on a loft apartment downtown. It’s a really cool place and we both liked it. When we left, she was all giddy with happiness. I was really upset and she asked me why. I couldn’t believe it.

I just told her the truth. I said I was really upset that she seemed happy to be leaving me. She said it wasn’t like that and that she picked a place that I would want to live in after we had some time apart. She said I would probably end up there before too long. Again, I don’t know if she’s just saying that, or if she really means it.

I’m still getting these marriage emails and it’s really weird. Sometimes it seems like they must really be coming from God, because they speak right to where I am at any given point. I am taking them to heart and trying to put it all into practice. Sometimes it seems to help and other times, it seems like nothing I do will ever make any difference.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Ceecee had her first day at Dillard’s today. Just training, but she’s excited. She doesn’t know what she’ll be doing yet. They have to train in all the departments, then they get their assignment.

We talked more about the separation. I hate the idea, but she’s selling me pretty hard on it and I don’t know what to think. She wants to go look at some places, so I guess maybe we will. It’s weird, she doesn’t give me any hope by her actions, but her words are really pretty convincing. She still says that she thinks this could be the way for us to end up back together.

I don’t get that at all, but I don’t know what to say or do. Nothing I’m doing is making any difference.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Never imagined today could turn out the way it did. We joined a bike club here in Springfield because we heard that they had group rides for beginners and tonight was one of their cookouts, so we showed up. Everyone ignored us and it seemed totally disorganized, so after a little while, we just left.

We were hungry and in a bad mood, so we stopped at a deli to get something to eat. While we were eating, Ceecee said she thought maybe we needed a separation. She said that we just seemed to be stuck and that something needed to change to get us out of where we were. She said she felt friendship toward me, but that was all, and she wondered if spending some time apart would make things more clear.

Of course, I was devastated and totally against the idea, but I mostly just listened and didn’t know what to say. I never thought it could come to this. I don’t know what to think. Apparently, she’s already been thinking about this, because she told me that she had priced some downtown apartments and some were affordable. I just said that we needed to sleep on it and could we talk about it again another day. Tomorrow is her first day at Dillard’s and everything is changing so fast. Am I losing her?

She wasn’t angry when she talked about it, or even emotional at all. She was just calm and rational, like she’s thought this through and it doesn’t bother her. What’s crazy is that she actually seemed hopeful, like separating could be a good thing. I couldn’t tell if she really meant that maybe it could be a path for us to work things out, or if she really just wants out of the marriage and hopes that if we split up that I will just let her go.

For those of you who have read the original 90 day restoration tour blog, this will be a chance to go back and revisit the story one more time. For you new readers who are following the current journal version of the story, this is just a “We interrupt this blog to bring you…” breaking news kind of post, so you may want to skip this one as it won’t make any sense to you. With that in mind…

In Springfield, Missouri, where most of the story takes place, there is a town square that is the source of much controversy. I’m sure that at one time it was the center of commerce, and a place where the community gathered, but in recent decades, it has been known as the place where the homeless and “undesireables” hang out. Most people avoid it and find it to be a place they’d rather not visit.

The city has tried a number of things to bring the community back to the square, not the least of which is a summer concert series called “sounds on the square.” Local bands and artist perform on friday nights for no charge, and the idea is that the square will draw visitors who will also patronize the downtown businesses. Why am I telling you all this?

It so happens that my wife and I attended one of the free concerts there this past Friday night and it got me to thinking, and remembering. Last year, there were no sounds on the square because the city spent nearly two million dollars on a renovation project that had the square fenced off and closed for nearly a year. We were living in our second loft apartment which overlooked the square at that time.

We’ve since moved, but we had the opportunity to go back to the square friday night. As we were getting ready, I realized that the last time I was at a sounds on the square concert, I was there by myself. My wife and I were separated and I sat listening to the band and wondering if this was going to be my new life.

We had always talked about living downtown and being able to walk to concerts and event like these, and now, my wife was living downtown alone, and there I was attending a concert that we should have gone to together. It was a tough night, but I hadn’t thought about it for a very long time. It was a small surprise when I realized that going back as a happily married couple would be one more little bonus stop on the restoration tour.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

My wife is unbelievable. She swam a full mile today without stopping. It seems like yesterday that she was saying she didn’t even know how to swim. Now she swims a mile and said she felt like she could have gone further. I don’t know how she does it.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Ceecee took her praxis test this morning. She’s trying to get certified for Special ed. She figures that if she can’t get a science classroom, she’ll have a better shot with SPED. Then we went out for lunch with Taylor to a place called Tea Bar and Bites. It was so good!

Friday, June 11, 2010

We went back to the bike shop and put in the order today. I think the guy was pretty shocked.

We’ve been working out pretty hard. We’ve both been swimming more and I did some interval running with Ceecee today. We ran/walked 9 miles, which is my farthest since high school. I’m not going to say it didn’t hurt, but we made it.