Thursday, June 17, 2010

These last couple of days have been pretty hard to describe. I’ve been a Christian for most of my life, but I’ve had times that I’ve really believed and been sold out to it, and times that I just play the game or go through the motions. The last several years, I’ve been playing the game.

Well, lately, I’ve been getting pretty serious about reaching out to God. I mean, I need help, and I don’t know where else to turn. So I’ve had some pretty intense times of praying and trying to get right with God for my marriage. I guess I realize that Ceecee has a free will and she’s going to do whatever she’s going to do, so there’s really no use praying for God to change her, but I need to change.

Last night and today, I’ve prayed like never before, and something just broke loose inside. There’s always been a part of my heart that I’ve held onto and I’ve never really let God have it all, but for the first time, I did. I cried until I don’t know where the tears came from anymore and things happened inside me that I can’t explain other than there’s a verse in the Bible that says, “I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart.”

God must have done that because something has changed inside and He showed me things about myself and our marriage that I would never have thought or imagined. It was so unbelievably painful to go through and it took more than a day, but I saw the truth about myself in ways that hurt more than I could have imagined.

He showed me how phony I’ve been. He showed me how badly I’ve neglected both Him and my wife. Then He showed me a vision. I saw my marriage as a house. At the start, it was a really great house, but over the years, it wasn’t kept up. I should have done things that needed taken care of, but I didn’t. I just put things off and let things go, and eventually the house was run down and ugly.

Then He began to show me specific ways that I had failed and areas of neglect that have led to where we are today. The first thing He showed me was about my wife’s wedding ring. This is hard for me to write, but she damaged it when she was working at Target over Christmas back in 2007. It’s a really cool, unique ring and part of it caught on a shopping cart and bent and some of the little diamonds came out and were lost.

Not long after that, I took it to a jeweler and the guy wanted a lot of money and didn’t really seem too interested in fixing it. I told him I’d think about it and he gave it back to me in a little plastic ziploc bag. I brought it home, put it in a drawer, and it’s been there ever since. I don’t know what I’ve been thinking. It’s 2010 and she hasn’t had a wedding ring to wear in more than 2 years! She hasn’t complained and I haven’t even really thought about it.

Anyway, I went to the gym this morning with Taylor and I brought the ring with me. I figured after our workout, I’ll find another jeweler, or I’ll just take it around from place to place. I didn’t really have any plan.

We left the gym and I didn’t know where I was going and as I was turning left out of the parking lot, there was a jeweler right across the street with a sign that said “repairs” on it. I’ve been going to work out right across the street from this place for years and I’ve never noticed it. I went in, talked to the guy, and he had some great ideas for fixing it and he hardly wants any money. I dropped it off and it should be ready within a week. I can’t wait to give it to her and show her that I’m changing! I haven’t said anything about it and I’m just going to have it be a surprise.


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