Archive for September, 2012

Monday, August 9, 2010

Best birthday ever. By far. Don‘t know what else to say. I got the fragrance like I asked for (and it came with a cool gym bag), but Ceecee’s love and our new marriage is by far the best gift.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

It was wonderful to wake up this morning after such a long, sound sleep. Ceecee’s sleep has been awful for a while, and I suspect it was due to emotional stress. Things really are like a honeymoon right now and I’m not planning on doing anything to break the spell. Tomorrow is my birthday and I’ve already received the greatest gift possible. Ceecee is off the next two days and I’m so looking forward to spending them together.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

So, where to even start today. Wow! What a crazy, emotional whirlwind the night and this morning was.

We went to art walk with Taylor last night for a little while, but Ceecee was complaining of a stomach ache, so we kind of cut it short. She went back to the loft and I took Taylor home to Republic. On the way back, I just decided that when I got home, we needed to talk about whatever is between us. I was afraid of what it might mean, but I could tell that Ceecee is being eaten up inside and we’re both kind of on pins and needles, so things couldn’t just stay like that.

I had told her several times that whatever happened while we were separated was in the past and didn’t matter, but it was affecting the present, so apparently it did matter. I prayed and prayed, but God wouldn’t give me an answer. While I was driving, I was listening to a song that said, “We’ll cry tonight, and in the morning we are new” and I took it as a sign to go ahead and talk about it.

She was pretty sick when I got home, so I felt bad about the timing, but I just told her we needed to talk. I asked her why she called me that day and asked me to move back in and what had gone on. We talked everything out and we did cry together. We ended up talking until very late in the night, and she needed to sleep to get to feeling better, so I finally let her go to sleep and I went downstairs and just sat and looked out the window. I thought about what all she had said and I prayed for about an hour.

What she told me wasn’t as bad as my worst fears, but worse than what I had hoped for. It didn’t change anything, and I was glad for her not to have to carry it anymore, but I wished it had gone differently. Even so, I was all about making the future different.

In the morning, it was crazy. It was like we hit a reset button and just started over. Of course, we had realized last night that we wouldn’t be going to the bike race, and we slept in late. When we woke up, it was like everything was fresh and new. I can’t really explain or describe it, but it was as if our love was brand new. It was like waking up the day after the wedding.

Ceecee looked at me with eyes of love that were so vulnerable and pure that I knew everything had changed and that our future was going to be very different from our past. There was a truth and an openness in her eyes that I’ve never seen before.

For years, I’ve talked to her about her walls that she keeps part of herself and part of her heart behind. She has always dismissed my words and said, “I don’t have walls. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” This morning, those walls were gone. I don’t know how or why, but when she looked into my eyes this morning, I saw all of her and it may have been the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

This afternoon, we were talking about how we felt bad about missing the Tour De Cox and a vision was birthed in me. They have it every year on about the same date (I think it’s the first Saturday in August), so I want to spend the next year restoring our marriage and have it culminate in exactly one year with some kind of a vow renewal ceremony. Just like I started restoring the areas I had neglected like her wedding ring and so forth, now I want to spend the next year continuing to go back and revisit all of the times and places that we hurt each other and let each other down and replace those with new, restorative experiences. I want to call it The Restoration Tour.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Silver Dollar City was great last night! We went on Powder Keg in the very front seats in the dark and you couldn’t see what was in front of you, so we didn’t know when we were about to drop. Wow, it was awesome!

Today, the tension between us is still there, though, and rising. I talked to my therapist about it. It’s affecting me in the bedroom, because I don’t know what’s going on and there’s something between us that isn’t right. He said that’s very common and that we need to learn to trust each other again because we’ve both been hurt very deeply by everything that’s happened. He advised me to take it slow and even kind of date and “get to know” Ceecee again.

This afternoon, I was on my way to the gym with Taylor when the recruiting Sargent called and said they were giving him his test today in about 30 minutes. He was pretty freaked out. I called Ceecee and she met us there and he passed the test. They said they had a job for him, so it could be right away or not for another month or two before he got called up.

Tonight is first friday art walk downtown and we are all going to go.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Things have been really good and a little weird all at the same time. It’s wonderful to be back together, but we haven’t really talked much about anything and Ceecee keeps saying that she’s not proud of what she did and that she hopes that I can accept her and she never wants to hurt me. I keep telling her that it’s my fault for not loving her and being the man I promised to be, but she’s carrying some kind of guilt or something.

Of course, my mind is all over the place with what that means. I’ve never suspected her of being unfaithful because she promised me she wouldn’t be and a few weeks ago, when I said that it had been three months, she said it had been three months for her too. She also said something weird about not wanting me to be upset, but she had exchanged gifts with this guy who is one of her old boyfriends. He’s been on Facebook and I’ve always suspected that he was interested in her as more than a friend, but he lives in another state.

Anyway, I know that anything’s possible, so maybe she had some inappropriate communication with someone over the internet. Maybe she did have some kind of a fling with someone, although I can’t imagine that. I’ve prayed and asked God, but He won’t tell me anything. Whatever it is, I keep telling her it doesn’t matter. We’re together again and things will never be the way they were and that’s what’s important.

Ceecee and I have been riding our bikes together this week and that’s been really cool. We’re planning on riding in the Tour de Cox this Saturday. It’s a 62 mile ride with a 43 and a 26 mile option. I don’t know that we can do the whole 62 miles. We’ve never ridden that far before.

Tonight, we’re going to Silver Dollar City for “Moonlight Madness.” That’s when they are open at night for just a short time out of the year and you can ride the rides in the dark. Should be fun. We only have one more full week of Summer before we go back to school.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

I have to confess. When I left Macy’s last night, my thoughts were running wild with the reception I would receive on my first night “home.” I imagined my wife waiting for me, breathless with anticipation. I pictured her taking hold of my tie, pulling me close, and leading me upstairs. Even though we had been together for more than 15 years, I was as nervous as a new boyfriend.

When I got to the loft, absolutely nothing happened. No joyful reunion. No passionate encounter. Nothing that suggested that this was anything other than the most ordinary night in the most ordinary of marriages. I was confused and let down. It was all very surreal after Saturday morning. I had no idea what to think, but it was infinitely better than being separated, so I guess I’ll just take it as it comes and see how it develops.

This morning, we walked over to a nearby coffee shop and had affogatos, an espresso drink with ice cream. It’s so wonderful to be back together and now it seems like we might be able to have the life we both always wanted, but never could seem to make happen. There’s a feeling of newness with the familiarity of knowing each other so well, so it’s weird being in an almost new relationship, yet with the same person I’ve been with for years.

Monday, August 2, 2010

I never thought I’d be this excited to be up early on a Monday morning. I’m getting some of my things ready to take with me, because when I leave Macy’s today, I’m going to the loft to be with Ceecee as husband and wife again! I’m not going to bring everything yet, but I’ll have a lot of my clothes and personal things in the car.

Taylor is going to stay at the apartment for now. We are paid for another month and we’ll just hope that he goes to the Air Force soon. Whenever they are ready, they’ll give him his physical test and then they need to have a job for him, so we’ll just wait and see. We’re still taking him out running and to the gym and trying to work on getting him in shape.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Ceecee came to see me at work again today. I was hoping she’d say to just come on home with her tonight, but she stuck to the Monday thing. It doesn’t really matter. We’ve been apart for this long, I can give up another day easily enough. I have to work all day today and tomorrow anyway.