Posts Tagged ‘broken marriage’

Day 9 and Counting…

Posted: September 21, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Sunday, August 15, 2010

Pretty disappointing and confusing morning today. The part of our life that is still way out of whack is our spiritual life. Mine is better than ever, but Ceecee is still having a really hard time with that aspect.

She is very angry at our old church for not helping or being there for us when we were having our problems and she has been angry at God for not intervening when I messed up. I know that she still believes and that God has worked in her life to bring us to this point, but she’s not where she needs to be.

Anyway, she agreed to go to church with me this morning to North Point, the church I’ve been to a couple of times. We’ve talked about it several times and she was pretty nervous about it because of her tattoo and all, but I’ve told her that it won’t matter there. So we went and I had high hopes that she would like it and that God would have something on tap that would speak to her.

Instead of having regular church, they were having some kind of panel discussion about the past, present, and future of the church. They just sat up there and talked about the church’s history and what they have planned. When we were leaving, Ceecee said it was a waste of time and she was kind of upset.

I didn’t know what to say or do, but I knew I needed to not react the way I used to. I knew that I needed to not judge her or be upset with her, so I just tried to be understanding and be concerned about her, not myself. I felt terrible and I also was a bit disappointed that God hadn’t answered my prayers. I was kind of like, “Really? This is what we got her first time back to church in months?”

Today is our last day of Summer vacation and I go back to school tomorrow. Ceecee doesn’t report until Tuesday. I am soooo thankful that we’re back together. I can’t imagine what we would be doing if we hadn’t worked things out.

Day 8 and Counting… The Triathlon

Posted: September 20, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Saturday, August 14, 2010

Ceecee was angry this morning before I left. She said it was because she had really wanted to be in the triathlon and she’s upset that she can’t be. She went off to run 17 miles with her group while I headed back to Republic.

The atmosphere at the Tiger tri was really amazing. It was extremely well put on and was a great experience. The crazy thing is that my worst fear was having a flat tire and I did. I even went to a bike shop and bought new tubes yesterday as an extra precaution, but about 11 miles into the bike race, my front tire was gone.

I’m not good enough at changing flats to do it quickly and I was only about a mile from the transition area so I just got off and ran my bike in. I was so disappointed because I felt like I had been doing pretty well up to that point, but then I was really tired during the run. I actually struggled with some doubt as to whether I was going to make it as the run went on, but I kept thinking of my wife and praying for strength.

Crossing the finish line was indescribable. It was really hot and they had people with cold, soaking wet towels who literally took hold of us as we came in, put one of these towels on us and put drinks into our hands. I was a bit disoriented from the heat and from being so exhausted, so I just kind of wandered around a little bit in the grassy area off to the side.

After a few minutes, I went inside to the restroom and then it really hit me when I came back outside. All the emotion going back for all those months just caught up to me and I just lost it and cried right there in front of everybody. Then I just wanted to get to Ceecee more than anything.

I met her at the Meyer Center about 30 minutes later with Einstein Bros. Bagels and she was pretty wiped out from her run. We both had to work today, so we got to spend a few minutes together there in the lobby and then we had to shower and change and go to our jobs.

So that was it. The triathlon is over and I did it and our marriage is back together again and better than it ever was before.

Day 7 and Counting…Friday the 13th

Posted: September 19, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Friday, August 13, 2010

Friday the 13th indeed. I’ve had a lot of time to pray about the mess. God told me that Ceecee is handling it correctly and to let her. I was listening to a song and the chorus really spoke to me. It says, “The pressure makes us stronger, the struggle makes us hunger, the hard lessons make the difference, and the difference makes it worth it.”

It partly goes back to while we were separated. This guy from her past came back into her life and she didn’t realize at first that being friends wasn’t what he wanted. Apparently he is convinced that she should be with him and is sending her messages to that effect. I’ve asked God what to do and He says, “Love him.” I don’t know how, so I am praying that he will find the Lord and leave us alone and do what’s right. Otherwise, I’ll just stay out of it for now.

Tomorrow is the triathlon. I’m still excited about it, but it seems really anticlimactic now. Ceecee won’t be there, which is disappointing. She has a long training run with her Galloway group. She’s still getting ready for the marathon, which will be in November. It was still pretty cool going to pick up my race packet this afternoon though.

Day 5 and Counting…

Posted: September 18, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I was at work today and Ceecee put “I need a vacation from everything” on her status. We just had two days off and they were two of the best days imaginable, so I was confused. I texted her and asked her what was up and she said she had gotten a message from a friend that upset her.

It was crazy, but God had spoken to me this morning and told me that something bad was going to happen today and to be ready for it. I had forgotten all about it, but then I figured this was what He was talking about. He kind of let me read her mail and showed me who the message was from and what the nature of it was.

When we were home tonight, I told her that I knew and that I understood and it kind of freaked her out a little. I didn’t know what else to do, so I just told her that God had already told me about it and that I was there for her. She’s got a situation that is pretty stressful and she’s not really knowing how to deal with it.

She says it’s her mess and that she needs to be the one to handle it. I don’t know about that, but I respect it. I’ve always been a “fixer,” but that doesn’t always work, especially since I understand now that my attempts to always handle everything for her ended up coming across as a lack of confidence in her. It wasn’t, but she learned to believe that I didn’t think she was capable of taking care of things on her own.

Since it really potentially affects both of us, I want to be involved, but I also want to show my wife that I do have confidence in her and that I trust her to handle it.

Day 4 and Counting…A Long Ride Together

Posted: September 17, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Tuesday, August 10, 2010

We’ve been talking about riding our bikes to work sometimes when school starts, so we decided to do a trial run this morning. It’s 18 miles to Ozark, and when Ceecee first said we should ride to work sometimes, I thought she was crazy. I told her, “We can’t do that. It’s too far.”

Then she pointed out that we were going to ride the Tour de Cox and I also thought about the fact that I‘ve been riding 20 mile training rides to get ready for the triathlon, so I guess it didn’t make sense to say that we couldn’t. So this morning we set off with our phones as our GPS system. We got totally lost and had to keep turning around and trying different routes. In the end, I have no idea how many miles we actually rode by the time we got to the school, but we did make it.

Once we were there, we got on a computer and looked at the map to find a way home. The ride home was great and Ceecee gave me a little fist bump at a red light when we were close to home. It’s strange, but our relationship has been amazing when we’re alone together, but things are still a little strained and weird when we’re out and about.

Day 1 and Counting…A New Beginning

Posted: September 12, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Saturday, August 7, 2010

So, where to even start today. Wow! What a crazy, emotional whirlwind the night and this morning was.

We went to art walk with Taylor last night for a little while, but Ceecee was complaining of a stomach ache, so we kind of cut it short. She went back to the loft and I took Taylor home to Republic. On the way back, I just decided that when I got home, we needed to talk about whatever is between us. I was afraid of what it might mean, but I could tell that Ceecee is being eaten up inside and we’re both kind of on pins and needles, so things couldn’t just stay like that.

I had told her several times that whatever happened while we were separated was in the past and didn’t matter, but it was affecting the present, so apparently it did matter. I prayed and prayed, but God wouldn’t give me an answer. While I was driving, I was listening to a song that said, “We’ll cry tonight, and in the morning we are new” and I took it as a sign to go ahead and talk about it.

She was pretty sick when I got home, so I felt bad about the timing, but I just told her we needed to talk. I asked her why she called me that day and asked me to move back in and what had gone on. We talked everything out and we did cry together. We ended up talking until very late in the night, and she needed to sleep to get to feeling better, so I finally let her go to sleep and I went downstairs and just sat and looked out the window. I thought about what all she had said and I prayed for about an hour.

What she told me wasn’t as bad as my worst fears, but worse than what I had hoped for. It didn’t change anything, and I was glad for her not to have to carry it anymore, but I wished it had gone differently. Even so, I was all about making the future different.

In the morning, it was crazy. It was like we hit a reset button and just started over. Of course, we had realized last night that we wouldn’t be going to the bike race, and we slept in late. When we woke up, it was like everything was fresh and new. I can’t really explain or describe it, but it was as if our love was brand new. It was like waking up the day after the wedding.

Ceecee looked at me with eyes of love that were so vulnerable and pure that I knew everything had changed and that our future was going to be very different from our past. There was a truth and an openness in her eyes that I’ve never seen before.

For years, I’ve talked to her about her walls that she keeps part of herself and part of her heart behind. She has always dismissed my words and said, “I don’t have walls. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” This morning, those walls were gone. I don’t know how or why, but when she looked into my eyes this morning, I saw all of her and it may have been the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

This afternoon, we were talking about how we felt bad about missing the Tour De Cox and a vision was birthed in me. They have it every year on about the same date (I think it’s the first Saturday in August), so I want to spend the next year restoring our marriage and have it culminate in exactly one year with some kind of a vow renewal ceremony. Just like I started restoring the areas I had neglected like her wedding ring and so forth, now I want to spend the next year continuing to go back and revisit all of the times and places that we hurt each other and let each other down and replace those with new, restorative experiences. I want to call it The Restoration Tour.

Ground Zero Day

Posted: September 11, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Friday, August 6, 2010

Silver Dollar City was great last night! We went on Powder Keg in the very front seats in the dark and you couldn’t see what was in front of you, so we didn’t know when we were about to drop. Wow, it was awesome!

Today, the tension between us is still there, though, and rising. I talked to my therapist about it. It’s affecting me in the bedroom, because I don’t know what’s going on and there’s something between us that isn’t right. He said that’s very common and that we need to learn to trust each other again because we’ve both been hurt very deeply by everything that’s happened. He advised me to take it slow and even kind of date and “get to know” Ceecee again.

This afternoon, I was on my way to the gym with Taylor when the recruiting Sargent called and said they were giving him his test today in about 30 minutes. He was pretty freaked out. I called Ceecee and she met us there and he passed the test. They said they had a job for him, so it could be right away or not for another month or two before he got called up.

Tonight is first friday art walk downtown and we are all going to go.

Day T-1 and Counting…

Posted: September 10, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Thursday, August 5, 2010

Things have been really good and a little weird all at the same time. It’s wonderful to be back together, but we haven’t really talked much about anything and Ceecee keeps saying that she’s not proud of what she did and that she hopes that I can accept her and she never wants to hurt me. I keep telling her that it’s my fault for not loving her and being the man I promised to be, but she’s carrying some kind of guilt or something.

Of course, my mind is all over the place with what that means. I’ve never suspected her of being unfaithful because she promised me she wouldn’t be and a few weeks ago, when I said that it had been three months, she said it had been three months for her too. She also said something weird about not wanting me to be upset, but she had exchanged gifts with this guy who is one of her old boyfriends. He’s been on Facebook and I’ve always suspected that he was interested in her as more than a friend, but he lives in another state.

Anyway, I know that anything’s possible, so maybe she had some inappropriate communication with someone over the internet. Maybe she did have some kind of a fling with someone, although I can’t imagine that. I’ve prayed and asked God, but He won’t tell me anything. Whatever it is, I keep telling her it doesn’t matter. We’re together again and things will never be the way they were and that’s what’s important.

Ceecee and I have been riding our bikes together this week and that’s been really cool. We’re planning on riding in the Tour de Cox this Saturday. It’s a 62 mile ride with a 43 and a 26 mile option. I don’t know that we can do the whole 62 miles. We’ve never ridden that far before.

Tonight, we’re going to Silver Dollar City for “Moonlight Madness.” That’s when they are open at night for just a short time out of the year and you can ride the rides in the dark. Should be fun. We only have one more full week of Summer before we go back to school.

Day T-3 and Counting…

Posted: September 6, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Tuesday, August 3, 2010

I have to confess. When I left Macy’s last night, my thoughts were running wild with the reception I would receive on my first night “home.” I imagined my wife waiting for me, breathless with anticipation. I pictured her taking hold of my tie, pulling me close, and leading me upstairs. Even though we had been together for more than 15 years, I was as nervous as a new boyfriend.

When I got to the loft, absolutely nothing happened. No joyful reunion. No passionate encounter. Nothing that suggested that this was anything other than the most ordinary night in the most ordinary of marriages. I was confused and let down. It was all very surreal after Saturday morning. I had no idea what to think, but it was infinitely better than being separated, so I guess I’ll just take it as it comes and see how it develops.

This morning, we walked over to a nearby coffee shop and had affogatos, an espresso drink with ice cream. It’s so wonderful to be back together and now it seems like we might be able to have the life we both always wanted, but never could seem to make happen. There’s a feeling of newness with the familiarity of knowing each other so well, so it’s weird being in an almost new relationship, yet with the same person I’ve been with for years.

Day T-4 and Counting…

Posted: September 5, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Monday, August 2, 2010

I never thought I’d be this excited to be up early on a Monday morning. I’m getting some of my things ready to take with me, because when I leave Macy’s today, I’m going to the loft to be with Ceecee as husband and wife again! I’m not going to bring everything yet, but I’ll have a lot of my clothes and personal things in the car.

Taylor is going to stay at the apartment for now. We are paid for another month and we’ll just hope that he goes to the Air Force soon. Whenever they are ready, they’ll give him his physical test and then they need to have a job for him, so we’ll just wait and see. We’re still taking him out running and to the gym and trying to work on getting him in shape.

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