Posts Tagged ‘divorce’

Why We Have What We Have or, Love As A Learned Behavior

Posted: February 19, 2012 in Love and Marriage
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
1

When my wife presented her paper titled, “Learning To Be a Serial Killer” at a psychology conference, it was standing room only.  She was attempting to prove that serial murder was not, in fact, a result of an uncontrollable urge that one is born with or attributable to psychosis.  Her premise, which she argued in support of, was that serial killers learn to become killers in much the same way any other behavior is learned.

While she may have wanted to use that kind of learning on me at times during our marriage, thankfully killing was something she never developed an affinity for.

Unfortunately, just as many mistakenly assume that serial killers were born that way, can’t help themselves, have some defect in their brain, or buy into any other of a plethora of explanations, so are many equally clueless about marriage.  When couples have problems, many are quick to say they “married the wrong person,” they just “weren’t right for each other,” or the classic “it didn’t work out.”

Conversely, when a couple is happy or successful, the opinions swing the opposite way.  They “found their soul mate,” they “are so lucky,” yada, yada.  People are generally either jealous and believe that couple has something they wish for, but just haven’t found, or they are happy for them, but fail to understand that anyone can have the same thing if they are willing to work for it and learn what it takes to get it.

People look at our marriage now and don’t have a clue what it took to get to where we are.  We’re not just two people who are happy because we won the dating lottery by happening to meet and marry “the right one.”  We sure haven’t had it easy and we are most definitely not “lucky” to have what we have.  Blessed, fortunate, and grateful, yes.  Luck, however, has nothing to do with it.

To keep this at its simplest, we have what we have because of two words: work and learning.  It has taken a huge amount of work.  That’s mainly my fault and I’ll talk more about that later, but if we weren’t willing to do the work, we wouldn’t have what we have.  At the same time, if we hadn’t learned how real love works, all of my/our efforts might well have been in vain.

When we bought a large house in a small town in Western Kansas, it was in bad shape.  We could tell it had been a grand old home at one time, but years of neglect allowed us to buy it for a ridiculously low price.  Here’s the point, though.  The people who lived in it could have taken care of it and not let it get run down.  Even when it was run down, they could have gotten to work and fixed and restored it for themselves.  Instead they sold it “as is” and walked away from it.

So many people do the same thing with their marriages.  That’s the path I was once traveling.  My marriage was essentially that house in the Winter of 2009.  I was slowly moving toward putting up the proverbial “for sale” sign and letting my marriage go because I thought it had become nearly worthless.  I wasn’t willing to do the work and I didn’t know what to do anyway.

I could have kept my marriage from ever becoming that run down though.  I could have applied myself all along to learning about love and how to treat a woman.  Even when I had allowed the years to get the best of us, I could have gotten to work at any point and avoided so much grief and heartache.

The lesson from the house was that even though we were willing to do the work, we had a lot to learn.  It was by far the biggest project we had undertaken and was full of unexpected surprises.  We did a lot of learning on the fly and had to bring in help from time to time.  The work without the learning wouldn’t have been enough.  The learning without doing the work wouldn’t have mattered either.

As we did the work and began making that house beautiful and showy again, it wasn’t luck that caused it to come together.  When we could proudly entertain guests and enjoy the finished product, it was absolutely not because we were “so lucky” or because that house was “the right one.”  So it is with love.  It’s a learned behavior that takes work.  Either one by itself isn’t enough, but the two together can result in a “killer” love story.

Where are the heroes?

Posted: February 13, 2012 in Love and Marriage
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
0

Les Miserables is undeniably one of the great stories of our time and today I was considering the juxtaposition of its message with a recent conversation I had.  The more I thought about it, the more I couldn’t help but be inspired to write.

I couldn’t help wondering why honor is so absent from our society today, especially among men.  Who sold us a bill of goods that said “Live for yourself.  Look out for number one.  Get what you can.”  That’s the way to live life?  I couldn’t disagree more.

I’ll never forget a story I heard as a teen in which a woman was sharing how she and her husband had reconciled after he had had an affair.  She described the pain she felt, lying next to him in bed at night and thinking about what he had done.  She told how she knew she could have left him and been justified in doing so.

But then she said that God showed her that while divorcing him would have been permissible, it wouldn’t have been the most honorable thing.  She chose to stay.  She chose to face her fears, her uncertainty, her pain, and she chose to take the risk for something higher than her feelings, her needs, or what she wanted.

In Les Miserables, the story is a picture of the law and grace, judgement and mercy.  The Bible tells us that mercy triumphs over judgement.  Main character Jean Valjean receives both mercy (not getting what he deserves) and grace (getting what he doesn’t deserve) and goes on to become a giver of both.  Time and again, he has the opportunity to set honor aside and do what would be best for him, but he won’t.  He lives by a different standard, because he was ransomed and redeemed and he is bound by a higher law.

It’s a powerful story of self-sacrifice.  Of living for others rather than self.  And I can’t help but wonder.  Where are all the men today who would risk it all to give of themselves, rather than taking?  Where are the men who would put honor above their pride, and would use what they’ve been given to be what someone else needs?  Where are the heroes?

There’s something more meaningful than success.  There’s something more powerful than winning.  There’s something stronger than justification.

That something is love.  Not the “love” of the pop culture variety.  Not the “if it makes me feel good, if it meets my needs, if it makes me happy, if I’m being fulfilled, etc. etc. gag me please.  Not that selfish, me, me, me attitude that has nothing to do with love.

Real love gives. Real love sacrifices.  Real love doesn’t take.  Real love says others are more important than me and true success is when I can give myself away without asking for anything in return purely for another person’s benefit.

The stories of great love and sacrifice throughout the ages ring true because they get at the heart of what life is really all about and way down inside, no matter how much we bury it or deny it, we know it.

So the choice is, run from it or embrace it.  What will you do with what you’ve been given?

Where are the heroes?

A Fair Question: Why Would God care?

Posted: August 28, 2011 in Love and Marriage
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
1

Throughout this blog, I have attempted, as honestly and truthfully as possible, to tell the story of how my marriage reached its apparent end and was then restored.  I have made many claims about God and His help throughout and now I would like to attempt to answer the question, “Why would God care?”  It’s a fair question, and one that deserves an answer.

After all, if God is the all-powerful, all-knowing deity that we think Him to be, why should He turn His attention to the marriage of two totally obscure individuals and work in miraculous fashion to save and heal their marriage?  It’s too much of a pat answer to say “It’s because He loves us.”  He does, but let’s get real here.  People are dying of hunger and disease all over the world today and everyday.  Dictators still deny entire people groups their human rights and natural disasters wreak death and destruction on a grand scale on a regular basis.

God would seem to have a lot on his plate, and if Ceecee and I had divorced, only a handful of people would have been directly affected, so what are we to conclude here?  First of all, it’s not my place to attempt to speak for how God does or doesn’t respond to all the evil in this world.  I don’t know why some prayers get answered and some don’t.  I do know that it would seem to many people that He could have been spending His time working on more important things than our marriage.

I would suggest, however, that taking such a position is to take a very narrow view of God.  If He is, in fact, all-powerful and all-knowing, then He can give His attention to as many things at a time as He needs to without losing sight of any of them.  He also has enough strength to deal with any and every problem that He chooses to with no possibility of over-extending Himself.  In other words, saving my marriage and changing my life didn’t take Him away from anything else that He needed to be doing.

Now, let’s cut to the chase and talk about God’s plan.  His plan, from before the foundation of the earth, was to reveal Himself through mankind, who He created in His own image.  Even at the time of the fall of man in the Garden of Eden, He had a plan to restore all things.  He knew, even then, that His son, Jesus Christ, would one day come to earth to die on a cross for the sins of all mankind.  And He knew that one day, at the end of time, a great celebration would take place which the Bible calls “the marriage supper of the lamb,” or, in another translation, “the banquet at the wedding celebration of the Lamb.”

What God wants and what we imagine He should be concerned about are often two very different things.  God sent his His son into the world to save and redeem people who were cut off from, and separated from His love.  His primary concern is the condition of people’s eternal souls, and His primary work on earth is now being accomplished by people through whom He is attempting to reveal Himself.  He uses people to show His love and plan, so that others can come to Him and receive His love and forgiveness.

In chapter 5 of the book of Ephesians, there is a little understood verse that speaks right to the heart of not only this post, but this entire blog.  In the context, it is talking about how husbands and wives should treat each other, and the statement is made that they should love each other the same way that Christ loves.  Just as the writer is concluding these thoughts, he writes, “This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.” (verse 32)  Right in the context of talking about marriage and husbands and wives, he says he is really talking about Christ and the church.

Why does God care enough about my marriage to intervene in mighty ways when I called on Him in my time of need?  Because marriage was His plan, not mine.  God thought up the idea of love and marriage and happily ever after, not people.  God wants marriages between husbands and wives who truly love each other to show the world not only what real love is from a human perspective, but to show the world what kind of love He wants to share with the people He created and loves so deeply.  He wants people to see that true love never fails and that He will never abandon, forsake, or reject those He loves.

Vacationing In Wine Country

Posted: July 21, 2011 in Love and Marriage
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
0

My wife and I are currently vacationing in California wine country.  I will make every effort not to miss a day with the blog (it ends August 6th), but the posts may be shorter and less direct over the next several over days.

It’s been a dream of mine to take my wife to wine country for a few years now.  She’s never been to California, while I’ve been many, many times.  As a kid who grew up in Phoenix, California was always just a few hours away, and it was almost always Southern California that my family visited.

As an adult, it has been northern California, and specifically Napa and Sonoma counties that have caught most of my attention.   I’ve been a wine writer as well as a teacher since the early 2000’s, so in recent years, I’ve had the opportunity to take press trips to wine country, not only in California, but overseas as well.  My wife has never been able to accompany me on any of these trips, and that has led to some of the dichotomy of feelings that both of us experienced during the time leading up to, and including, our separation.

What I mean is this.  When I wasn’t completely sure that I wanted to continue to be married, I still cared about my wife very much.  She had been my best friend and partner for many years, and I valued her company.  When I would spend time away from her on these trips, I always wished she could be there.  I wanted her to be meeting the people I was meeting, tasting the food and wine that I was tasting, and experiencing the lifestyle that I was living.  As great as these trips could be, something was always missing, and that something was her.

On the other hand, there was a part of me that wondered what it would be like if we didn’t stay together.  A part of me thought that maybe I would be able to move to another part of the country and live a whole new life on my own, and these trips also had the effect of reinforcing that notion.  When I was traveling with other writers, I was known to them only as myself, not as one half of a couple, and this part of my life seemed totally separate from the part that had a wife and family and a full-time teaching career.

I was never unfaithful to my wife while I travelled, although I know she worried at times.  What I mostly wanted was for her to be there.  Nevertheless, my life had two contradictory parts competing, and only one could win out.  When my wife was exploring the idea of making a new life without me, she was experiencing many of these same emotions and thought patterns.  She was testing out a future that would require her to leave her current life behind, but still clinging to the wish that it would be me that she would experience true love and companionship with.

Now that we are well on our way to happily ever after, I got the chance to share this part fo my life with her.  My parents bought us plane tickets to California so we could spend some time with my brother and his family.  Since we were coming to the state anyway, I set up some winery tours and visits through some of the people I have worked with.  We are spending the first few days in Sonoma County and the Napa Valley, and my wife is having a wonderful time, as am I.  It’s another little dream coming true for us, and I couldn’t be more proud to introduce her to everyone and have her share this time with me.

12 Days of Christmas

Posted: July 14, 2011 in Love and Marriage
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
0

Almost every year, for the last fourteen that is, my wife and I have kept up our own celebration of the twelve days of Christmas.  Now, I know that the interpretations of when those twelve days are varies widely.  I also know that what we do is our own tradition, born out of love and romance, so it doesn’t have to agree with anyone else’s philosophy or ideals.

I’m not really sure how it started.  I have memories of it going way back to the very early years of our marriage.  I’m sure it was my wife’s idea.  I just don’t remember how it actually came into being.  It’s just something that is unique to us as a couple, and last Christmas, it needed some restoration.

We count back twelve days from Christmas, which makes December 13 our first day of Christmas.  On December 13, I give my wife one gift.  On December 14, I give her two of something, three of another thing the next day, and so on.  No turtle doves, pipers piping, or lords a leaping, and no repeating of the gifts day after day as in the song.  Just gifts of any sort that somehow match the number of the day, one through twelve.

Some of the days are extraordinarily easy.  Day one can be anything, of course, and so I only have to decide whether to make it something big, or something simple.  If there is to be an expensive gift in the twelve days, day one is very likely where it will be found.  Other years, it’s as simple as a single rose.  Day two can be earrings, again if there is to be a more expensive or fancy gift as part of the twelve days.

In years where the budget was especially tight, or I was working two jobs, the twelve days could sometimes be a bit stressful.  What I didn’t understand then was that the value of the gift was totally irrelevant to my wife.  She was just as happy with five pieces of candy as she would have been with five golden rings.  She wasn’t expecting me to spend hours searching for the perfect thing or spend a lot of money.  Her love language is gifts, and she just wanted me to be thinking of her and surprising her with whatever I would come home with.

Most years, it was fun, although some days were a challenge.  There aren’t many things you can buy in packages of eleven, for example.  I would have to get creative and do things like eleven ounces of something, or pick out nine individual items of things that went together.  For some of these, I would write out coupons that she could redeem for back rubs and so forth.  I also bought calendars, memberships, and/or subscriptions for day twelve (12 months),

In 2009, my wife said she wasn’t expecting me to do the twelve days of Christmas if I didn’t want to. I didn’t, and I think it was only the second year that we ever skipped it.  As I’ve mentioned before, the lack of really celebrating Christmas that year was what helped convince my wife that I no longer loved her and that our marriage was coming to a close. That wasn’t exactly the case – I was just confused and didn’t know what to do – but she had seen her parents divorce after a difficult Christmas and saw this as the writing on the wall.

Last year, I couldn’t wait for December 13, so I could start the days of Christmas.  Since it was the year of the restoration tour, I wanted it to be the best ever and it was.  I could tell that God was in it, too, because it was so easy to find all the gifts. Not only that, but it seemed that every one of my ideas worked out and I was always in the right place at the right time.  It wasn’t stressful at all, and was actually the most fun I’ve ever had with it.

I was able to get some great surprises worked in, like eight ounces of her favorite lotion, when she never even knew I had been to the store where they sell it.  She loves food and sweets, and I actually found nine, ten, and eleven in food items that she wasn’t even aware of.  I didn’t have to spend a lot of money, and I understood that this was all about speaking her love language, not trying to impress anyone or choose gifts of a certain monetary value.

By doing it the way we do, the twelfth day is actually Christmas Eve.  Then the next day, she gets all of her regular Christmas gifts, not only from me, but from the rest of the family.  She gets to tell everyone all about what she’s been getting all during the twelve days, which is also part of what makes it fun for her.  I get to be the romantic hero, and it’s really pretty easy, especially when I have someone that’s so easy to love.

Sour Grapes In The Midst Of The Sweetness

Posted: July 12, 2011 in Love and Marriage
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
0

The day my wife and I got married was the happiest day of my life.  I will never forget what I felt when I saw her standing at the back of the church.  I’ll also never forget the friends, the reception, and the fun we had that day.  It was the perfect blend of fun and seriousness.  There were pranks and light moments, and there were solemn vows and songs of devotion.

The two biggest surprises for me both involved our car.  The first was that the guys had poured Rice Krispies into the air vents and turned the setting to high, so as soon as I started the car, we were showered with them in our seats.  Not only was it a fun shock at the time, but over the few months following, stray pieces of rice would work their way loose and come flying out at random moments, bringing smiles to our faces.

The other unexpected surprise was the reaction of other people to the “just married” writing and other evidence of our wedding that was all over the car.  We couldn’t afford much of a honeymoon at the time, so we just drove from Dodge City to Wichita, KS and stayed at an old fashioned bed and breakfast.  Everywhere we drove, people smiled, honked, waved, and gave us thumbs up signs.  Maybe it was the grins plastered all over our faces, or maybe people were just glad for newlywed couples, but it was as if an entire city of strangers shared in the joy of our special day.

After our separation, and when we got back together, those grins were all over our faces again, but we were in for another surprise.  Not everyone was happy for us or supportive.  We didn’t have decorations on our car to signal strangers that we had just been joined back together in marriage, but people that we knew, who were aware that we had been split up and had worked it out should have had even more reason to be happy for us, we thought.

Don’t misunderstand, there were many who were. I would say the majority of our friends and co-workers were happy for us and said so.  With that being said, there were those who blew us off, showed no happiness or support, and even withdrew from us.  We didn’t expect everyone to be all giddy with joy, but we did think that people would fairly universally rally around a story with a happy ending.  After all, the fairy tales all say, “and they lived happily ever after,” don’t they?

Maybe that’s where some of the problem comes in.  True love and a happy marriage is what people really want deep down.  But in today’s society, so many people have been hurt, abused, used, and discarded, that they’ve quit believing in that dream.  They’ve put up walls that they think are protecting themselves, and they are choosing to accept less than what they really want because they are afraid that they won’t ever be able to get it.

By being negative toward marriage, and congregating with other equally negative people, they try to insulate themselves from their own dissatisfaction with life and love.  When they hear of people getting married, their reaction is, “How long do you suppose it will last?”  When they hear of people splitting up and getting divorced, it reaffirms in their mind that there is no happily ever after, so therefore, they aren’t missing out on anything.

Those are the people who have a hard time with our story.  It flies in the face of their false smugness, and forces them to look at what they don’t want to see.  They won’t rejoice with us, because it would expose their own sorrow that they are trying so hard to deny.  They are jealous of our love, and they resist it instead of letting it inspire them.  Instead of letting our victory be a beacon of hope that shows the way to real and lasting love, they turn away and cling to their belief that love can’t be true.

I ache for those people, and I keep them in my prayers.  I so long to be able to share with others what God has done in our marriage, and what He will do for them.  The princess being rescued and the guy getting the girl, these are at the very heart of all romantic notions.  The reason they persist is that we were made to believe in and experience real love.  It is a part of our very make-up as human beings.  If you’ve found that kind of love, you’ll undoubtedly rejoice with us.  If you haven’t, don’t ever give up.  It’s real, and it’s for everyone who will fight for it with all their strength and never give up.

Seeing Isn’t Believing, But The Difference Was Undeniable

Posted: July 11, 2011 in Love and Marriage
Tags: , , , , , , ,
0

The day before my wife ran the Bass Pro Marathon, we went down to Branson and spent part of the day at Silver Dollar City.  For those of you who don’t know, Silver Dollar City is a theme park based on the late 1800’s.  It features a variety of roller coasters and water rides, but is mostly known for its old time shows, craftsman shops, food and atmosphere.

Shortly after my parents retired to Springfield, Missouri, we visited the area for a family vacation.  We never thought at the time that we’d ever live here, but we had a great vacation, and Silver Dollar City was our favorite part of it.  When we did, in fact, move to the Ozarks, we bought season passes and visited the park about once a month.  As time went by, we visited less, but at the beginning of 2010, we bought season passes one more time.

While we were having our marriage difficulties, we made two or three visits to the theme park.  I suppose it was an escape from reality and a way to pretend that things were still good.  We didn’t have very many good days last Spring and Summer, but the ones we spent at Silver Dollar City were always fun.  I could spoil my sweetheart and she would let me, and we could laugh and play together like the best of friends, not a couple who were nearing the end of their marriage.

During that same time period, I began the practice of taking a lot of pictures of my wife while we were out going places and doing things together.  I took them on my phone, so they were always at my fingertips to look at.  Naturally, I took quite a few pictures during the several visits we made to Silver Dollar City.  Since we had so few good times together during that part of last year, I wanted to hold on to whatever positives I could.

I also proudly displayed the pictures as backgrounds on my phone, on Facebook, and anywhere else that I could show my wife that I was truly devoted to her, and that she was the one I was in love with and thinking of.  She always seemed a bit uncomfortable with it, but I believed that deep down, she liked knowing that I was that proud of her and wanted to be her man that much.

After we got back together, and after the initial joy of reuniting, I went through a period where I struggled with regret about the past and the things that we had gone through.  I would obsess over the pictures at times, looking at the dates they were taken, and thinking about the way things were then and how I wished they had been instead.  It was rather unhealthy and was dragging me down quite a bit for a period of time.

One day, I was looking for a different picture to set as my background on my phone.  The one I had used for several months was taken at Silver Dollar City while we were separated.  My wife would always ask me, “Why do you like that picture?”  I just told her that I liked the way she looked in it, which was true.  I also liked the memories of the day we had spent, and I liked that she was wearing my favorite shirt in the picture.

As I scanned my phone for a new picture, I noticed something.  In the new pictures from Silver Dollar City, taken after we had gotten back together, my wife had a different look about her.  There was a happiness in her eyes and a purity in her smile that wasn’t there in the earlier ones.  I began to look further.  I found the same thing in the other, older photos taken in other places.

As I began to put it all together, it suddenly became clear.  In all of the pictures taken before we got back together, there was a sadness and a distance in her eyes.  In all of the pictures taken after we reunited, that look was gone, and had been replaced by one of happiness and   freedom.  That realization set me free from being stuck obsessing over the pictures of the past, and gave me a visible sign of how much everything was now changed.

Seeing isn’t necessarily believing, and I was experiencing the changes happening in our marriage for myself, but those pictures existed as proof that the way things had been were no longer the way they were.  Not only that, they showed that it was putting our marriage back together that had brought about the healing.  We were one again in heart and mind, and the difference was undeniable.

Words Can Never Hurt Me?

Posted: July 6, 2011 in Love and Marriage
Tags: , , , , , , ,
0

The low light of our Fourth of July trip to St. Louis was seeing and hearing a couple argue and fight at the zoo.  They were there with a little boy, presumably their son, and I first heard them using cross words while inside one of the exhibits.  It’s not unusual to have some frustrating moments when you take kids to a place like that, and it was an unusually hot day, so I didn’t think much of it.  Later, however, there they were again, walking down a main pathway really being ugly toward each other.

We see that kind of dynamic far too often, and I’m not sure why people don’t seem to realize how destructive it can be.  A study called the Enrich Couple Inventory looked at more than 21, 000 couples and found that the number one indicator of a lasting and happy marriage was the way they talked to each other.  Whoever said, “words can never hurt me,” must have lived in a bubble, because our words have the power both to build up and tear down.  The book of Proverbs takes it even further by saying, “The tongue has the power of life and death.”

My wife often makes the observation that couples will see their children grow up and leave to live their own lives. If the parents haven’t spoken well to each other and of each other, not only will their children not know how to love their future spouses, but the couples themselves may find that, once the kids leave, they don’t have anything left to their marriage.  The kids will eventually be out on their own and the marriage is what will still be there for couples who have kept that relationship strong.  I can’t tell you how many times I hear her say under her breath, “Keep talking to him (or her) like that and when those kids are gone, he will be too.”

Words of affirmation is one of the five love languages in Gary Chapman’s book.  We all make choices every day to use words that are kind, or words that are cruel.  We choose to be polite, or to be rude.  We choose to compliment or criticize.  And for some reason, it seems easier to say something negative than something positive.

In the past, I was guilty of pointing out things that my wife did wrong, or that I didn’t like, far more often than I told her things that would build her up.  I would also lose my temper and say things that cut her deeply at times.  Likewise, she would fail to tell me the positive things she felt about me, assuming that I knew, but she would say hurtful things when she was angry.  Obviously, we weren’t meeting each other’s needs for emotional love.

Society tries to let us off the hook by making it a joke to insult people. Television and movies are full of creative ways to cut people down, and when we get called out for doing it, the automatic excuse is, “I was just joking,” or, “I didn’t mean it.”  The problem is that it damages people, and when the person you’re damaging is your spouse, you’re ultimately hurting yourself.

I think people in stores and other public places are often shocked when they hear my wife and I talking to each other now.  We tease and play around, but are very careful to stay within the boundaries of having fun with each other.  Author Francine Rivers calls it, “the needle without the sting.”  You can only have that type of fun when you know each other well enough and have a high enough level of emotional intimacy.  Otherwise, there are bound to be hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

We have also learned the value of controlling our tongues.  Just today, when we were doing a stressful job at my sister’s house, I was tired, hungry, and frustrated.  I chose not to say anything rather than say something hurtful at one point.  In the past, I probably would have snapped at my wife and made her feel bad.  Once we got in the car, I told her I was sorry for being silent and explained why.  I thanked her for her help and support and she said kind things back to make me feel better.

Most importantly, we have learned that choosing to use words that heal, words that build, and words that affirm, costs us nothing, but gains us much.  Words of kindness and love are gifts that anyone can afford, and they come back to us.  If you don’t believe me, just try it out for a while.  Stop with the negative words to your spouse, and start consciously talking to him or her in a way that recognizes his or her worth.  I bet that before long, you’ll start getting the same in return.

First Friday Art Walk

Posted: June 28, 2011 in Love and Marriage
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
0

Ever since we moved to southwest Missouri, one of our favorite things to do has been the first friday art walk in downtown Springfield.  The first friday evening of every month, the whole downtown square and surrounding areas are one big street party.  The art galleries stay open, many businesses offer samples of finger foods, while some have wine to taste, and there is live music (some hired and scheduled performers and some street musicians) everywhere.

It’s a lot of fun, and my wife and I have always loved the atmosphere.  Sometimes we only go for a little while and other times we stay out and visit lots of places.  We usually run into people we know, and sometimes we invite friends to meet up with us.  When we still had the kids living at home, we would sometimes take them, and they always looked forward to it.  The only drawback was figuring out how and when to make it time for just the two of us, and how much to share it with others.

Over the years, we missed very few art walks.  Occasionally we were out of town, or the weather was horrendous, but for most of the first five years, if it was first friday art walk, we were there.  Last July, we were separated during art walk, and it occurred at a time when things were really pretty iffy in terms of our relationship.  Where I stood was a huge question mark, and we were at a critical juncture in which way things were going to go.

It seemed too much like a date for either of us to be totally comfortable going together, but we both wanted to go, and not by ourselves.  My wife asked me to bring our Son, who was still staying with me at the time.  He wasn’t able to go, and I ended up asking a buddy of mine, who was a friend of both of us, to come hang out.  He knew what was going on, so he was also rather uncomfortable, but I assured him not to worry and that things would be very casual.

We all met downtown at a cheese steak shop, and set out on foot after we ate.  My wife seemed completely at ease and more and more open with me as the night went on.  We held hands and laughed quite a bit together.  We had a great time and I couldn’t help thinking, “Why in the world are we separated?  We are obviously still a great couple and this is how it could be all the time.”  I couldn’t understand why my wife didn’t see it, or what held her back from returning to me, but she still needed to go through some things before she came to that realization.

After we got back together, it seemed like every first friday, there was something that interfered with us being able to go.  The first one, my wife was sick.  Several in a row were rained out.  I often had to work at Macy’s on friday nights.  For a while, it seemed like we would never be able to spend a romantic art walk as a couple in love again.

We made a few brief appearances here and there, but it wasn’t until two months ago that we really got to enjoy a first friday.  The weather was perfect, our schedules were clear, and there was nothing to stand in our way.  This time, holding hands was as automatic as breathing.  Laughing together is just what we do.   And we didn’t need anyone else there to take the pressure off or keep us from feeling awkward.

At one of the photography studios, they were giving out free samples of cake pops, made locally.  Not only were they a tasty treat, but we decided they would be the perfect thing to serve at our renewal ceremony in August.  It was just an extra little blessing that came out of the evening.

Last month, we invited my friend Joe and his family over for dinner, and they went to art walk with us afterward.  We also invited our friend who had gone with us last year while we were separated, but he was out of town.  We ran into some other friends and people that we knew as the night went on, and it was really just a time to celebrate how good things are now.  In just a few days, it will be the “one year later” art walk and, while we look forward to it as much as any other,  our first fridays have already been restored.

The Gift Goes On

Posted: June 22, 2011 in Love and Marriage
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,
0

Last night, we had a couple over for dinner and we got to hear some of their story, as well as share more of ours.  Their names are Kevin and Deb, and this is the same Kevin that I referred to earlier in the blog.  He was one of the heroes during our separation, although he wouldn’t claim to have done anything heroic.  He would say that he was just doing what was in his heart to do, and that’s to help others who are going through painful struggles in their marriage.

Kevin was a friend of a friend who many years ago had walked out on his marriage and, years later, reconciled with his wife and family in spectacular fashion.  Two common themes with my own story of restoration were the healing that took place through love and forgiveness, and hearts and lives being radically changed by God’s love.  He supported and prayed for me while my wife and I were separated, and the one significant phone conversation I had with him during that time led to part of the breakthrough in our marriage.

Having been through all that, he and his wife have spent a lot of their years since doing whatever they can to help other couples find forgiveness, healing, and another chance at true love.  My wife and I were one of those couples by divine appointment, and now it’s in our hearts to do exactly the same.  Where we used to consider other peoples’ problems to be none of our business, now our hearts break for everyone we meet or hear of who are going through separation, divorce, or marital struggles of any kind.

We will probably never have a satisfactory answer to the question of why God allows troubles and afflictions to come into our lives, but what comes out of those, if we respond by moving toward God, instead of away from Him, is probably much more important than asking why.  That’s another commonality of Kevin and Deb’s marriage, and mine.  We wish we hadn’t had to go through all the pain, but what we have now is so much better than what we ever had before, we can’t help but conclude that we’re thankful for the end result.

The apostle Paul wrote these words nearly 2,000 years ago.  “God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort.  He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.”  If we never went through troubles, how could we help others?  Would you rather be comforted and helped by someone who has a perfect life, but has read a lot of books about problems, or by someone who has gone through the same problems you are and come through them stronger and better than before?

Before Kevin and I had met, and when I only knew him by what my friend Joe had told me, I used to call him, “that marriage guy.” All I knew was that he had won big in the arena of marriage, and now he wanted to help people like me who were losing.

Yesterday morning, the very same day that my wife and I were going to sit down with Kevin and Deb to celebrate where we had come from and where God has brought us, I received a text from a friend of mine telling me that he had a friend who was going through some difficulties.  He asked me if I could recommend any books or resources that had helped me and that might, in turn, be of help to his friend.  And so the circle goes on.

Why does God allow us to suffer and go through tough times?  Some of it is the consequences of our own choices.  Some of it is because He sees beyond the pain and knows the victories that will be won down the road because of it.  After all, that’s what His own Son Jesus did.  The Bible tells us that, “Because of the joy awaiting him, He endured the cross, disregarding its shame.  Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.”

No one wants to suffer.  We would all choose the easy road if we could.  But once we’ve experienced what’s on the other side, where the joy awaits us, we have something to offer to others.  We want to give what we’ve received, and that truly is a gift that keeps on giving.

Older Entries
Newer Entries