Posts Tagged ‘gifts’

Willing to Give Her Up – Love’s Supreme Sacrifice

Posted: June 1, 2011 in Love and Marriage
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Time can play tricks on us when we’re going through stressful events.  Hours can seem like days, and days like weeks or months.  When it’s your marriage, everything is amplified, because your whole future is tied to that person and whether or not you’re going to be together.  The days, weeks, and months I spent not knowing how things were going to turn out drove me to become a better person and deal with my issues, but it also wore on me.

In the book of Job, you see the effects of time on a person’s state of mind.  Job is a righteous man who has a great life, but suffers tremendous tragedy and difficulty all at once.  His initial reaction to it all is extraordinary.  He accepts the news and worships God in spite of his loss.  As time goes by, he is unable to maintain his peaceful acceptance.  Eventually he curses the day of his own birth and begins to demand an explanation from God as to how and why this could happen.

As time continued to pass with little or no visible change to my circumstances, it became even more critical for me to stay strong by leaning on my close friends and spending as much time as possible in prayer.  There were days when I could feel myself wanting to break, but I fought through them.  I also allowed myself to cry and grieve.  That’s not the manly thing to admit, but it’s the truth, and it was important that I have an outlet to get some release for my emotions when it all became too much.

In the song, “Start Again,” by Red, there’s a part that says, “What if I let you in? What if I make it right? What if I give it up? What if I want to try? What if you take a chance? What if I learn to love? What if, what if we start again?” As I mentioned in an earlier post, the song tore me up with grief, but also gave me hope.  The line that haunted me the most was, “What if I learned to love?”

Throughout this whole ordeal, I was learning what love really was.  The hope in the song was that, if I really did learn to love my wife, and if she took that chance, things could be right and work out between us.  There were times I would lay on my bed and I could see such a vivid picture of how things could be.  I could envision in great detail how much better our marriage could be than it ever was before and how we could be closer than we had ever been. 

As desperately as I wanted that (and I would have given up everything I had to get it), I was also learning that true love means giving, not getting.  Loving someone, really loving them, is not about having them, it’s about giving them what they need, no matter what that is.  Real love sacrifices.

The best known scripture in all the Bible, John 3:16, begins by saying, “For God so loved the world that He gave…”  The apostle Paul so loved his people, the jews, that he wrote, “I would be willing to be forever cursed…if that would save them.”  That’s how real love operates.  True love is sacrificial in nature.  God wasn’t going to force anyone to love Him, but He was willing to sacrifice His son to make it possible.  Paul couldn’t save all the jews, but he was willing to give up his own salvation, if that could accomplish it. 

As I prayed, I released my wife to God and to whatever was best for her.  I knew she wasn’t following God at the time, but neither had I been and He had brought me back.  I also knew that she could very easily find someone younger and more attractive, and who made more money than me, and that it was very possible that she already had.  It was the hardest prayer to ever pray and mean it, but I told God that if I wasn’t ever going to be able to make her happy and be right for her, that I would rather that she did find someone else who would. 

Without even realizing it, with that prayer, I had learned to love.  What I also didn’t realize was, with that prayer, something shifted in the spiritual realm.  Moving forward, God began to answer prayers and move in powerful ways on our behalf.

Finding Strength Through God and Friends

Posted: May 30, 2011 in Love and Marriage
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I can’t emphasize enough how much the support of a few friends means when you’re going through a tough time.  It’s not so much what they do, but more the knowing that they are there.  Knowing that you’re not alone, and you don’t have to face it by yourself can get a person through some of the longest days and darkest nights.  I don’t know what I would have done last summer, had there not been several people who stood by me. 

I’m a teacher, so I didn’t have work to keep me occupied. This was a two-edged sword.  On the one hand, it gave me lots of time to read, pray, attend my therapy sessions, and be there to show love to my wife as much as she would let me.  On the other, there were many long hours of unscheduled time where I had to fight the loneliness and pain that threatened to overwhelm me and pull me under.

The pattern of me staying with my wife on the weekends, then being sent home to my apartment on Mondays or Tuesdays continued, and it never got any easier.  We would have a great time for two or three days, then she would tell me good-bye again.  I desperately wanted her to say or do something to give me hope at those times, but she didn’t, and it always seemed like everything that had just taken place hadn’t mattered.  I respected her boundaries, but also took advantage of every opportunity that presented itself. 

Sometimes she would call during the week and ask me if I could give her a ride, or help her with something.  I always did, and I tried to not expect anything in return.  I wanted her to see me as someone who was able to give without taking.  I figured that any positive interaction between us could only serve as a building block to repairing our relationship, so I tried to be very careful not to push.  I failed at times, of course, and did push her to talk about things she didn’t want to, or deal with my pain, which only pushed her away.

Many times, when I would return to my apartment with no assurance of anything in regards to our future, I would seek God’s comfort through prayer, but also that human aspect of a friend who would listen and be there in whatever way I needed.  There were a small number of such people, and they may not think they did much, but their willingness to give me advice, come over and sit with me, listen to me vent and cry, and spend time with me made an immeasurable difference. 

My primary source of strength was God, and I spent a great deal of time crying out to Him, reading the Bible, and listening to His voice.  More than at any other time in my life, He was real to me in tangible ways.  I would read verses and I knew that they carried a message for me.  My thoughts would be all out of whack and He would help me to see things in perspective and get a grip.  Beyond that, He spoke to me, clearly and unmistakably during this time of need.  Hebrews 11:6 says, “Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him.”  I was seeking Him more sincerely than I had for a long time, and probably ever.

He was proving Himself true, and showing me that He was deeply interested in what I was going through.  I understood that my wife had the same free will that we all do and that nobody, including God Himself, was going to force her to love me against her will.  I also was greatly encouraged by the knowledge that the creator of all things wanted our marriage to work out, and was helping me on my end.  If you’re reading this and you have a difficult situation in your life, draw close to God and spend time with some true friends who will support you and lead you in the right direction.  They are truly worth more than gold.

Latest Stop OnThe Restoration Tour: A Graduation Party

Posted: May 29, 2011 in Love and Marriage
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Yesterday’s post was very difficult to write.  Jesus said that people would recognize His followers by one characteristic.  It wasn’t how often they went to church, how much money they gave, or how much they read their Bible.  It also wasn’t that they didn’t curse or drink or fool around.  Very often, christians define themselves by what they do or don’t do.  Jesus said, “By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:35

Someone once said, “Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to.”  My wife and I ended up pushing that one to the limit before we figured things out.  You see, when you think someone loves you, and you want them to love you back, it hurts infinitely more when they hurt you and let you down.  The pain my wife and I caused each other was deeper than any that anyone else could have caused because of the relationship that we had with each other.  The disappointment that we felt when people from our church let us down in our time of need was minute compared to the way we failed each other.  Even so, it was much more significant than it would have been, had we not known what it was to be loved by them previously.

There were a handful of people who remained true friends.  One in particular was a guy named Joe, who had moved to the area at almost the same time we had.  We had become friends right away, but then had a falling out during the time that I was wandering.  We had pretty well patched things up by the time my marriage fell all the way apart, and he was a true rock for me throughout.  We called each other almost daily, and he would pray with me, come over when I couldn’t bear to be alone, and offer encouragement any time, day or night.

Joe has a daughter who was and is a true miracle child.  She was born so prematurely that she weighed less than 2 pounds.  She went to special schools most of her life, but she was always loved and prayed for.  Her development continued over the years to the point that she attended a large public high school for her senior year, where she earned a student of the month award and graduated as a member of the National Honor Society. 

When we received her graduation announcement and party invitation, we had every intention of going.  When we saw that the party was being held at our former church, my wife balked.  Going to the party meant not only facing people that we weren’t sure how to respond to, it would also mean returning to the place that held such bitter memories.  I told her that I stood by her whatever she decided and that we could celebrate with Joe’s family privately instead. 

Love has a way of building people up, giving them courage, and making them strong.  From within the safe covering of my unconditional love, my wife soon announced that she was willing to go after all.  She only asked that I stay by her side and not let her get cornered or put in a difficult situation, which was the very thing I was eager to do.  We were going to celebrate Joe’s daughter and her accomplishment; everything else was secondary. 

Last Spring, we left that church broken and disgraced.  Almost exactly a year later, we returned as a completely different couple.  It was definitely awkward being there, but enough healing has taken place apart from the church that we were able to put aside that part of the past.  I couldn’t have been more proud of the beautiful lady by my side. 

A few days later, Joe told me over the phone that my wife had never looked better.  He said she had a glow about her and she looked like she was free of some huge burdens.  He was right.  She and I both still have some healing and the final phases of the restoration to go through, but we’ve reached that point where it shows on the outside.  Just like when the new siding, paint, shutters, etc. draw people’s eyes to a house that’s undergoing restoration, so the effects of everything that’s taking place inside our marriage can now be unmistakably seen on the outside.

Putting Myself Aside and Building Her Up

Posted: May 27, 2011 in Love and Marriage
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Life is full of contradictions, but sometimes it’s in the apparent paradox that truth is found.  Whoever wants to save his life will lose it.  The more you give away, the more you’ll have.  If you hold too tightly, you’ll lose control.

Shortly before we separated, I showed my wife a classified ad for a job at Dillard’s.  She applied and was hired.  I was just trying to help her out, as we were both looking for Summer employment.  It turned out that they hired her full-time, and the job paid enough that she could afford to move out and make it without me.  I had unwittingly helped give her the means to leave me.

It wasn’t long after this that we talked about her feelings of inadequacy and how, during our marriage, she hadn’t ever had the opportunity to find out what she could or couldn’t do.  Now, one of the things that she wanted to accomplish through our separation was to prove to herself that she could do things on her own and take care of things without anyone else. 

Relationships are complicated undertakings, full of pitfalls that couples often don’t see coming.  As I stated earlier, I had never intended for her to feel this way, nor had I realized that she did.  I had always believed in her and had confidence in her, but she didn’t know this.  My reason for trying to take on all the responsibilities was so that she wouldn’t have to.   The unexpected result was that she felt worthless and like I didn’t trust her to be able to do anything. 

I had no intention of supplying her with resources to make a life without me when the job at Dillard’s came up, but once we reached the point where the separation was decided upon, I consciously decided to work with her in becoming independent.  It was one of those moments of disequilibrium, when your rational mind says, “This doesn’t make sense,” and your heart says, “This is what love would do.”  Her moving out was the last thing on earth that I wanted, but it was going to happen regardless.  My choices were to fight her, and probably never get her back, or love her unconditionally, and leave the door open for a possible reconciliation. 

I supported her as she got utilities in only her name for the new apartment, even though I hoped that I would be living there soon.  I didn’t argue when she took my name off the joint checking account at her bank.  I withdrew half of the emergency fund from my bank and gave it to her.  These things were painful, and the practical side of me kept wondering if all this was really necessary.  My heart told me that it was, so I kept listening to the things my wife was telling me about what she believed she needed, and I kept pushing down the urge to discount what she was going through.

Love is about hard choices sometimes.  It’s about putting yourself aside and giving up your rights for another.  The Bible says, “Love does not demand its own way.” (1 Corinthians 13:5)  I struggled with giving up control.  A part of me believed that I could demand of her that she just stop all this and that I could strong-arm her into submitting to my authority as her husband.  It was tempting to try, but deep down inside, I knew it wasn’t right, and it wasn’t really what I wanted.

Things hadn’t been right or healthy for a long time, and what I really wanted in the deepest part of me was for both of us to find that place where, with healthy hearts, we found each other again.  There was a song called “Start Again” by the group “Red” that was out at this time.  Every time I heard it, my heart would break, but it also gave me hope that it was possible. We had loved each other once with a beautiful love and I couldn’t give up on the hope that the roots were still there and that love could grow and bloom again.

Two Unscheduled Stops on the Restoration Tour

Posted: May 22, 2011 in Love and Marriage
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Near the end of our separation, I had to go to Dodge City, Kansas, where I visited my daughter and stayed with my in-laws.  We used to live in that part of the country and don’t care to return often, but we do have some good memories of the place. 

There is a very large hispanic population in Dodge City, so the opportunity to eat truly authentic Mexican food was always around us and we definitely took advantage of it when we lived there.  Now, I found myself wanting to surprise my wife and bring something back when I returned. 

What to buy was easy.  They sell marinated steaks at the Tanguis Carniceria that we’ve never found anything like anywhere else.  I picked up some of those and some Mexican candies there.  Then I headed to the Panaderia for some “tres leches,”  a traditional Mexican cake that we love.  It was late in the day and they were out and I had to get on the road early the next morning.  I spoke to the person behind the counter (mostly through an interpreter), and they told me that someone would come in extra early the next day to make one and have it ready for me.  I had planned to just bring her a slice or two, but instead I walked out of there with an entire cake.

On the way home, (about a seven hour drive), I used dry ice from a grocery store to keep everything cool.  I showed up and presented my gifts to my wife, knowing that I had done well.  Her reaction wasn’t what I hoped for.  While I could tell she was indeed very surprised, and these were things that she very much liked, she told me that I shouldn’t be so nice to her and do things like this because she didn’t deserve them. 

We ended up eating the steaks together at her place and sharing some of the cake.  It wasn’t the way I would have wanted it to be, but my goal at this time was to lavish her with love and win back her heart, and this was just another step in the process. 

This current weekend, we drove back to Dodge City, together this time.  My daughter was graduating in a nearby town, and while we were there, one of our other daughters said that when we got back to Dodge City, she was going to buy some Mexican steaks and tres leches.  As we were driving into town, a thought hit me and before I could say anything, my wife said, “This could be a little restoration.”  It was so great to be of the same mind and I told her I had just been thinking the same thing. 

We didn’t think we were out there as part of the restoration tour.  We thought we had taken care of that over Christmas.  Even so, as thoughts and remembrances come to our mind, we are always ready to take detours or make unplanned stops along the way.  The last time I was in those stores, I was a man on a desperate mission to win back my wife’s love.  This time, I was with the woman I love, and the two of us are now on a mission to not only make our marriage stronger every day, but to inspire others to stay together and find joy in theirs.

Seeing Her in Everything

Posted: May 17, 2011 in Love and Marriage
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You will never finish any project that you never start.  No matter how simple you think it’s going to be, nor how daunting the task.  You have to get it started if you’re going to get it done.

I’m not really sure why I was such a procrastinator for much of my life or why I would fail to take care of things that needed my attention.  With a big project, it can be so overwhelming that you simply don’t know where to start.  You look at it and it all just seems like too much.  Sometimes that was the case for me.  That was where Mort Fertel’s emails were such a godsend.  I didn’t have to figure out what to do.  I could just follow the instructions.

In the routine maintenance, however, I had no such excuse.   I just didn’t do what needed done.  I didn’t pay attention.  I neglected to maintain the romance and the special things that keep love fresh and new.  I still wanted our love to be like that, but I hadn’t done my part for years and I finally more or less gave up. 

Seemingly out of nowhere, as I would walk through the apartment, I began to see my wife and our history all around me.  Things I hadn’t thought about in years, and things that I had forgotten altogether were suddenly returning to me with great force.  As I passed by a shelf or opened a drawer or cupboard, I would see things that had always been there, but now they reminded me that they had been gifts we had given each other, or were keepsakes from special times and places in our lives. 

Where I had forgotten all of the good things that we had shared for more than a decade and allowed myself to focus on the disappointments, I was seeing anew how special and wonderful our marriage had always been.  Where I had allowed myself to blame my loving partner for the marriage going downhill, I could now see how she had always tried to make me happy and had only wanted my love in return.  I was living in the same place, surrounded by the same things, but seeing it all so differently.  I saw her in everything and knew that I had blown it.

That evening, I tried to talk to her.  “This is us, remember?”  I tried to get her to see what I had seen and feel what I felt, but her eyes hadn’t been opened.  Her heart was still hard.  And I was taking the wrong approach.  I would learn that in the days to come.

It’s The Thought That Counts?

Posted: May 15, 2011 in Love and Marriage
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The old cliché, “It’s the the thought that counts,” is probably the one that I hate the most.  Not all clichés are bad, mind you.  There’s a reason they became popular sayings.  It’s just that this one implies letting people off the hook when they don’t care enough to follow through, or they don’t know a person well enough to know what an appropriate response or gift would be.

Toward the end of July, my wife asked me if there was anything I wanted for my birthday.  This is significant on a number of levels  (I realize that this is in no way chronological and is probably going to confuse some of you, but we’re on the subject of birthdays, so I decide to write about this today.  Keep reading and focus on the big picture).  We weren’t living together and things had been looking like they were going to end badly for a while. 

I had wondered for a few weeks if she would acknowledge my upcoming birthday and I had decided that I wouldn’t bring it up.  If she never said anything about it, I wasn’t going to either.  If she did, however (and here was the twist), I was prepared. 

Most years of our marriage, I really didn’t have anything I wanted for my birthday.  She would ask what I wanted and I would tell her that there really wasn’t anything.  Last year was different.  There was something I was going to ask for if she asked.  It was very personal and for me, it would be a sign as to whether or not our marriage was going to make it. 

So she asked, one day in the car, out of the blue.  So suddenly, in fact, that I almost chickened out and didn’t say what I had planned to say when or if the question came.  But I pulled myself together and told her that yes, in fact, there was something I wanted.  And then I took a risk.  I told her what I wanted, knowing that whether or not she did it would probably parallel whether or not she would ever return to being my wife. 

You see, years earlier, she had bought me an expensive men’s fragrance from Mary Kay.  It was the only time I ever had anything like that, and it was special to both of us.  The last time we had moved, it had become one of those things that disappears in a move, and was never seen again.

Since then, whenever we would walk past a certain store in the mall, there was a fragrance that you could smell and she would comment about.  I told her that what I wanted was for her to shop for a fragrance for me that she really liked and that she would want to smell on me.  This was a risk because it implied a future in which we would be together.  It implied us going on dates, being romantic and intimate.  More than that, it implied her having a stake in a relationship with me.

One popular saying that does carry a lot of truth with it is the one that says, “Your thoughts become your actions.” I knew that if I could get her thinking along these lines, there was a lot better chance that actions would follow.  I also knew that, contrary to popular wisdom, the actions of love produce the feelings of love, not vice versa.  She was telling me that she wasn’t feeling the feelings, but I had learned that doing the actions produces the feelings.  I realized that if she would really think about it and take the time to shop, this had the potential to produce feelings. 

Yes, I skipped a lot in the story, and yes, I am going to go back and fill in the blanks.  And yes, last year I had the happiest birthday of my life.

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