Posts Tagged ‘love’

Tornado Damage – Losing Much More Than A House

Posted: May 23, 2011 in Love and Marriage
Tags: , , , , , , ,
0

It’s amazingly ironic and completely coincidental that as I am writing this, Joplin, Missouri is attempting to clean up from a horrific tornado that claimed many lives and wreaked unimaginable devastation. 

I helped my wife move into her new apartment, which was a gut wrenching experience that I didn’t truly grasp while it was happening.  I only knew that I was driving the truck that was moving the dearest person on earth out of my home and into a place where I may or may not ever get to live.  I had to keep my emotions in check, both for the sake of the family and friends who were also helping her move, and for my wife, who was billing this as a celebration and a chance to find a new start. 

We did, in fact, celebrate that night with Champagne and strawberries. My wife was very sweet and encouraged me that the plan was for it all to work out in time.  I ended up staying the night and through the weekend, and although we weren’t close like we used to be, it convinced me that maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all.  Then, suddenly,  the weekend was over, and I was in no way prepared for the good-bye or the devastating words that came out of her mouth.

She told me that she didn’t know when we would see each other again and that she no longer felt about me the way she once had.  She said that she used to be proud of me and look at me and think, “That’s my guy,” but that she couldn’t feel that way anymore.  I told her I didn’t think she had felt that way about me for a very long time and that was one of the reasons I had gone astray, but she told me that she had felt that way even while we had been living in Republic. 

That knowledge crushed me.  I left the loft in utter devastation, not comprehending how I could have been so blind or lost that I hadn’t realized that even recently, she had still been trying to get me to love her the way she needed, while I had viewed her as detached and uninterested.  Furiously, I racked my brain for the answer to one question.  When had I  gone wrong and turned down the path that had led us here? I could only come up with one answer. 

On March 12, 2006, we survived a tornado that went through our house while were inside.  We laid on top of our kids in the hallway while the house exploded around us.  We both expected to die in those moments, before we found ourselves homeless in the middle of the night, but alive.  About a year later, we had replaced our things and were living in a different house and outwardly, everything seemed back to normal.  Inside, it was a different story.

We had lost a lot more than a house and some possessions in that tornado.  Things weren’t the same.  Life no longer seemed to have any special moments, and almost all of the things we used to enjoy were no longer part of our lives.  Something was missing and I couldn’t even identify what it was, much less figure out how to get it back.

About this time, some friends were visiting and I shared what I was going through. They suspected that I was experiencing PTSD, or post traumatic stress disorder.  They recommended talking to a counselor to get through whatever lingering effects there might be.  As was my typical way of operating, I did nothing. 

I could only find one possible event that altered not only our lives, but our relationship, and that was the tornado.  I still wasn’t sure how or why I had become a different person after that, but I had.  Somehow, that experience had changed me, and not for the better.  The next step for me would be to do what I should have done years before.  Face the problem and deal with it.

Two Unscheduled Stops on the Restoration Tour

Posted: May 22, 2011 in Love and Marriage
Tags: , , , , , ,
2

Near the end of our separation, I had to go to Dodge City, Kansas, where I visited my daughter and stayed with my in-laws.  We used to live in that part of the country and don’t care to return often, but we do have some good memories of the place. 

There is a very large hispanic population in Dodge City, so the opportunity to eat truly authentic Mexican food was always around us and we definitely took advantage of it when we lived there.  Now, I found myself wanting to surprise my wife and bring something back when I returned. 

What to buy was easy.  They sell marinated steaks at the Tanguis Carniceria that we’ve never found anything like anywhere else.  I picked up some of those and some Mexican candies there.  Then I headed to the Panaderia for some “tres leches,”  a traditional Mexican cake that we love.  It was late in the day and they were out and I had to get on the road early the next morning.  I spoke to the person behind the counter (mostly through an interpreter), and they told me that someone would come in extra early the next day to make one and have it ready for me.  I had planned to just bring her a slice or two, but instead I walked out of there with an entire cake.

On the way home, (about a seven hour drive), I used dry ice from a grocery store to keep everything cool.  I showed up and presented my gifts to my wife, knowing that I had done well.  Her reaction wasn’t what I hoped for.  While I could tell she was indeed very surprised, and these were things that she very much liked, she told me that I shouldn’t be so nice to her and do things like this because she didn’t deserve them. 

We ended up eating the steaks together at her place and sharing some of the cake.  It wasn’t the way I would have wanted it to be, but my goal at this time was to lavish her with love and win back her heart, and this was just another step in the process. 

This current weekend, we drove back to Dodge City, together this time.  My daughter was graduating in a nearby town, and while we were there, one of our other daughters said that when we got back to Dodge City, she was going to buy some Mexican steaks and tres leches.  As we were driving into town, a thought hit me and before I could say anything, my wife said, “This could be a little restoration.”  It was so great to be of the same mind and I told her I had just been thinking the same thing. 

We didn’t think we were out there as part of the restoration tour.  We thought we had taken care of that over Christmas.  Even so, as thoughts and remembrances come to our mind, we are always ready to take detours or make unplanned stops along the way.  The last time I was in those stores, I was a man on a desperate mission to win back my wife’s love.  This time, I was with the woman I love, and the two of us are now on a mission to not only make our marriage stronger every day, but to inspire others to stay together and find joy in theirs.

The Great Romance

Posted: May 21, 2011 in Love and Marriage
Tags: , , , , , , ,
0

When I was a basketball coach, a saying I used with my players was, “Don’t waste your energy on things you can’t control.”  There was only a certain amount of energy they had available to them, and they couldn’t control the temperature in the gym, what the referees did or didn’t call, how the fans or other players treated them, and so on.  Any focus on those types of things only served to distract them from their ultimate purpose; winning the game.

I knew that in my marriage, the same principle had to apply.  I could spend time and energy worrying about whether there was another guy or if this was a mid-life crisis my wife was going through, or whether becoming an empty nester was at the root of the problems she was having.  Any of that would only take energy away from my ultimate purpose; winning back her heart and love.

My wife and I are both Ted Dekker fans and read everything he writes almost as soon as it comes out.  A number of his books deal with the subject of sacrificial love.  He spins tales of characters who have to make terribly difficult choices and endure awful pain for love.  The theme of rescuing the beloved is also prevalent in many of his novels.

My wife had revealed that, deep in her heart, she still carried a desire to be loved that way by me.  I went back to God for wisdom, and back to Ted Dekker for inspiration.  I began to search the scriptures for every verse I could find about love, marriage, husbands, and wives.  I wrote them all down on notebook pages and began to speak them out loud every day.  I made them my constant prayer, substituting my wife’s name into the verses and making them personal declarations.

For inspiration, I went to Ted Dekker’s Circle Trilogy to read again about, “The Great Romance,” as he calls it.  It’s the story as old as time.  The man rescues the woman, wins her heart, and makes her his bride. She is unable to resist and falls forever in love with her hero who protects and cares for her ever after.

It’s exactly the kind of love that so many people today dismiss as only a silly fairy tale and not to be believed in.  It’s the kind of love that an entire culture is on the brink of rejecting.  It’s the kind of love that I believe that everyone, deep in the secret places of the heart, longs for.  And it’s exactly the kind of love that I decided I would do anything to experience, no matter the cost.

Separation

Posted: May 20, 2011 in Love and Marriage
Tags: , , , , , ,
0

My prayer life was continuing to grow and evolve as I struggled with everything I was facing and dealing with.  I continued to yield my heart to God and let Him bring about changes to my thinking and my inner being.  I was praying for wisdom and understanding in how to deal with my wife.  I was also trying to learn to rely on God instead of trying to do everything myself. 

While in prayer, I would have thoughts that were not typical of my way of thinking and I would wonder if it was God trying to speak to me.  As time went by, I became more and more convinced that the changes in my thinking were, in fact, coming from His Spirit.  Sometimes, they were specific guidance, like things to say and do.  Other times, they were advance notice of things that were going on or that were coming up, so that I could be prepared for them. 

In our relationship, we were stuck.  I was trying to change and show my wife that things were going to be different.  She realized what I was doing, but was unable to respond to it.  It wasn’t getting through to her heart, and she often felt pressure because she knew that I expected a response that wasn’t forthcoming.  The idea that we might need to experience some time apart to break that impasse began to take a stronger hold in my thoughts, even though I objected to it greatly. 

One afternoon, we stopped at a deli to eat and the fateful conversation took place.  She broached the subject. For a while, I had been trying to figure out if there was a way that I could go stay somewhere else for a few weeks or so.  I figured that if she spent some time alone, she would miss me and things would work out.  Now, sitting across from each other, she said she thought we needed a separation. 

She told me there were things she needed to figure out about herself and what she wanted and that if I could give her that, she might decide that I was what she wanted.  She said that she felt she had always had to be dependent on a man and she wanted to know if she could make it on her own.  She reasoned that if she could be independent, and then chose marriage to me, it would be because she decided that was what was best for her. 

She presented it as a way that I might possibly get her back, but it caused a major war to break out inside me.  One side understood that what she was saying was the truth, and I even told her that I had been working on possible separation scenarios myself.  The other side said, “What about what’s best for me?  I’m your husband and you made vows to me that were supposed to be forever. You already chose marriage 12 years ago.  That choice is already made and you don’t get to change it.”

I didn’t voice any of these latter thoughts.  We talked and I found out that she’d already been looking for an apartment.  She said that there were loft apartments in downtown Springfield that she could afford and where we might both want to live if things worked out between us. 

It was both a terribly painful and somewhat hopeful conversation at the same time.  It hurt tremendously to know that we had reached the point where my precious wife wanted to live apart from me.  It also cast a vision that showed her thinking in terms of reconciliation and ultimately, staying together.  We agreed to table the subject for the night, but to continue it the next day.

As it turned out, we went together and found a loft apartment within the next few days that would be hers, but that we both liked and would want to share together if we got things worked out.  The message was clear.  “I’m stepping away, but not too far.  You’ll know where I am.  Will you come after me and pursue me and win back my heart, or do I not mean that much to you?  Is this love you are now professing real, or is it just for show?”  It wasn’t a game, but she had made her move and now it was my turn.

Walking And Talking, But Not Understanding

Posted: May 19, 2011 in Love and Marriage
Tags: , , , , , ,
0

My wife and I used to have a small organic farm where we raised livestock, herbs, and vegetables.  It was during that phase of our lives that I made a mess of our marriage and was too busy working the farm and my regular job to even take the time to notice what was happening.  I just plodded ahead like I was going somewhere when everything was falling apart around me.

We left the farm in the Fall of 2009 and it was an attempt, weak as it was, to save our marriage.  I didn’t know at the time that it needed saving, so I thought it was more preventative.  Things were going in the wrong direction, so I decided to let go of the thing that was taking so much of my time and energy and try to be there for my wife.

I thought we had patched everything up and moved on from my mistakes, so it was a complete shock to me when Spring of 2010 came and my wife began letting go emotionally.  We were no longer selling at the farmer’s markets, so we started walking to our local market and it was on these walks that we began having honest talks about what was going on with our marriage. 

It was on a walk to the farmer’s market that I asked my wife if she still loved me and she couldn’t tell me that she did.  It was on these walks that I realized the seriousness of what was going on inside her.  I kept thinking it was a phase that would pass, and that any day, she would say she was sorry and everything would go back to normal.  These Thursday evening conversations showed me that things were much worse than I wanted to imagine, and I began to face, for the first time, the idea that I really could lose her forever. 

During one of these talks, she told me that she hadn’t made any decisions yet, and that she was going to take it a month at a time.  She said that she had chosen me once and she might be able to choose me again, but she might need time apart to figure that out.  She said she had lost herself during our marriage (We had been pretty co-dependent at times, and there was a lot that was unhealthy in our relationship) and she didn’t really know who she was anymore.  She told me that if I could give her time to find out who she was and what she wanted, she might choose me again, not because she had to, but because she would want to.

Then she asked me the million dollar question, “Does that make sense?”  I told her with all honestly, “Not a bit, but I respect that you feel that way.” She reiterated this idea several times over several weeks, and every time I told her that I didn’t understand it even a little bit, but I didn’t judge her for it, or try to tell her she was wrong.  I just tried to listen to her heart and love her the best way I knew how.   

While everything inside me cried out to hold it together, the idea of possibly having to let her go began to lodge itself in my consciousness.  Things were already in motion that would have to run their course, and it really wasn’t up to me to figure it all out.  I was going to have to do a lot of work on making myself the person that she would want to choose when she was ready to make that decision.

I caused the Problem. I am to Blame.

Posted: May 18, 2011 in Love and Marriage
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
0

They say that the first step in changing is admitting that there is a problem.  Sometimes there’s a disconnect between recognizing that there is a problem and recognizing what to do about it.  It’s easy to look at a run-down house and say, “There’s a problem here.”  Understanding how to restore that house can be considerably more difficult. 

Through the giving over of my heart and will to God, I had gained a lot of insight into what the problems were.  Fortunately, I wasn’t on my own in figuring out what needed to be done.  Between God showing me the places I had failed and needed to restore, and Mort Fertel’s emails giving me practical advice on things to say and do, I had a pretty good set of blueprints. 

I also had an impulsive desire to fix everything NOW!  Of course, it doesn’t work that way, but once confronted with the truth of it all, I just wanted to make it right.  I didn’t want it to take time.  I wanted it fixed this minute.  Because of that, I sometimes said and did things that were counter-productive and probably set us back instead of moving us forward. 

The most unique aspect of Mort Fertel’s Marriage Fitness idea is that you don’t focus on the problems.  You step away from the problems and begin using words and actions that will begin to rebuild love.  In terms of fitness, it is perfectly logical.

If you find yourself overweight and out of shape, it doesn’t help to talk about how you got that way.  You need to get to the gym and get to work.  You won’t lose weight, build muscle, or get fit by focusing on why you haven’t been exercising or how poorly you’ve been eating.  You’ve just got to do the work.  The result will be that you’ll get fit and it won’t really matter how you got off track in the past.

By trying to get my wife to see what I was seeing and get her to focus on the past, I was missing the mark.  I was unintentionally still making the situation in our marriage her fault.  Although I didn’t mean to be, what I was really saying was, “Why can’t you see it like I see it?  Why don’t you just get over everything and it will all be ok?”  She needed a whole lot more than that to learn to love me again. 

I quickly realized my mistake (a scenario that would, unfortunately, repeat itself many times over the next few months) and began to simply work on saying and doing as many loving things as I could to her and for her.  I didn’t try to get her to talk about what had happened and why she couldn’t forgive me or any of that.  I just started loving her, really loving her, on God’s terms and her terms, not mine.

During this time, I began writing all these thoughts and realizations down so I wouldn’t forget and lose them.  I kept papers that had scripture verses, memories, and things I needed to go back and restore like the wedding ring.  I also wrote on one paper this statement:  “I am to blame.  I caused the failure of our marriage.”  That admission allowed the shift to occur from, “Why doesn’t my wife respond in the way I want her to,” to “I caused this, it’s my responsibility to fix it.”

Seeing Her in Everything

Posted: May 17, 2011 in Love and Marriage
Tags: , , , , , , ,
0

You will never finish any project that you never start.  No matter how simple you think it’s going to be, nor how daunting the task.  You have to get it started if you’re going to get it done.

I’m not really sure why I was such a procrastinator for much of my life or why I would fail to take care of things that needed my attention.  With a big project, it can be so overwhelming that you simply don’t know where to start.  You look at it and it all just seems like too much.  Sometimes that was the case for me.  That was where Mort Fertel’s emails were such a godsend.  I didn’t have to figure out what to do.  I could just follow the instructions.

In the routine maintenance, however, I had no such excuse.   I just didn’t do what needed done.  I didn’t pay attention.  I neglected to maintain the romance and the special things that keep love fresh and new.  I still wanted our love to be like that, but I hadn’t done my part for years and I finally more or less gave up. 

Seemingly out of nowhere, as I would walk through the apartment, I began to see my wife and our history all around me.  Things I hadn’t thought about in years, and things that I had forgotten altogether were suddenly returning to me with great force.  As I passed by a shelf or opened a drawer or cupboard, I would see things that had always been there, but now they reminded me that they had been gifts we had given each other, or were keepsakes from special times and places in our lives. 

Where I had forgotten all of the good things that we had shared for more than a decade and allowed myself to focus on the disappointments, I was seeing anew how special and wonderful our marriage had always been.  Where I had allowed myself to blame my loving partner for the marriage going downhill, I could now see how she had always tried to make me happy and had only wanted my love in return.  I was living in the same place, surrounded by the same things, but seeing it all so differently.  I saw her in everything and knew that I had blown it.

That evening, I tried to talk to her.  “This is us, remember?”  I tried to get her to see what I had seen and feel what I felt, but her eyes hadn’t been opened.  Her heart was still hard.  And I was taking the wrong approach.  I would learn that in the days to come.

Mort Fertel: Unexpected Help

Posted: May 16, 2011 in Love and Marriage
Tags: , , , , , ,
0

Shortly after the restoration vision, while I was trying to process my recent change of heart and mind, I received an email late one evening.  I found it curious that it said something about help for your marriage in the subject line, but I assumed that it was spam and ignored it.

By morning, my curiosity got the best of me and I opened and read it.  It addressed me by name and said that I had visited the web site and requested information.  It was from someone named Mort Fertel, whom I had never heard of, and whose website I had definitely never visited.

Nevertheless, it said I had signed up for the free help and that I would begin receiving a series of emails called, “7 secrets to fixing your marriage.”  Even though I couldn’t imagine how it was that this had come to me, I was all for any help I could get, so I read the information.

He has a program called “Marriage fitness” where he uses principles of physical fitness and training to help people whose marriages are in trouble.  It’s a completely different approach from traditional marriage counseling and it really caught my attention. 

Over the next few days and weeks, it was absolutely uncanny how much the emails spoke directly to our situation.  I began to conclude that they must really be coming from God, because this guy couldn’t possibly be that much in tune with exactly what we were going through.  (Much later, I would find out that our oldest daughter had gone through Mort Fertel’s pre-marital counseling and she had visited the website and signed me up without telling me.  As they say, God works in mysterious ways)

Mort Fertel’s approach works because it is practical and doable.  Much like Dave Ramsey helps people with their finances by walking them step-by-step through exactly what to DO, so Mort Fertel’s message is not a bunch of theoretical what-if’s, but rather very specific things to begin doing immediately.  He even tells you that when you first begin doing these things, your spouse probably won’t respond, but do them anyway because they need to be done.  They will take effect over time, but they need to be started if things are going to change. 

In a restoration project, a great deal of work goes on before it really looks like anything good is happening.  There’s a lot of tearing out and removing of damaged, worn out, and useless material.  Then there’s all the work on the infrastructure: putting in wires, pipes, replacement beams, insulation, etc.  None of that is seen from the outside, and none is attractive to the eye while it’s taking place.  In reality, the house is going to have to look a lot worse before it starts looking better.

So it can be with a marriage that is severely neglected and damaged.  There’s a lot of work that needs to be done, starting right now, but it may very well not seem like it’s getting any better for quite some time.  More likely, exposing all that damage will exacerbate the pain in the beginning.

There comes a point, though, with a house, where it seems like all of a sudden, it all comes together.  It’s almost like you drive by one day and it looks like a shambles, and you drive by the next day and you can see a beautiful house appearing right before your eyes.  The work you do at the end is the part everybody sees.  The painting, landscaping, and putting on the finishing touches is where the oohs and ahs come in, but the dirty work that went on without any recognition is what made the transformation possible.

It’s The Thought That Counts?

Posted: May 15, 2011 in Love and Marriage
Tags: , , , ,
0

The old cliché, “It’s the the thought that counts,” is probably the one that I hate the most.  Not all clichés are bad, mind you.  There’s a reason they became popular sayings.  It’s just that this one implies letting people off the hook when they don’t care enough to follow through, or they don’t know a person well enough to know what an appropriate response or gift would be.

Toward the end of July, my wife asked me if there was anything I wanted for my birthday.  This is significant on a number of levels  (I realize that this is in no way chronological and is probably going to confuse some of you, but we’re on the subject of birthdays, so I decide to write about this today.  Keep reading and focus on the big picture).  We weren’t living together and things had been looking like they were going to end badly for a while. 

I had wondered for a few weeks if she would acknowledge my upcoming birthday and I had decided that I wouldn’t bring it up.  If she never said anything about it, I wasn’t going to either.  If she did, however (and here was the twist), I was prepared. 

Most years of our marriage, I really didn’t have anything I wanted for my birthday.  She would ask what I wanted and I would tell her that there really wasn’t anything.  Last year was different.  There was something I was going to ask for if she asked.  It was very personal and for me, it would be a sign as to whether or not our marriage was going to make it. 

So she asked, one day in the car, out of the blue.  So suddenly, in fact, that I almost chickened out and didn’t say what I had planned to say when or if the question came.  But I pulled myself together and told her that yes, in fact, there was something I wanted.  And then I took a risk.  I told her what I wanted, knowing that whether or not she did it would probably parallel whether or not she would ever return to being my wife. 

You see, years earlier, she had bought me an expensive men’s fragrance from Mary Kay.  It was the only time I ever had anything like that, and it was special to both of us.  The last time we had moved, it had become one of those things that disappears in a move, and was never seen again.

Since then, whenever we would walk past a certain store in the mall, there was a fragrance that you could smell and she would comment about.  I told her that what I wanted was for her to shop for a fragrance for me that she really liked and that she would want to smell on me.  This was a risk because it implied a future in which we would be together.  It implied us going on dates, being romantic and intimate.  More than that, it implied her having a stake in a relationship with me.

One popular saying that does carry a lot of truth with it is the one that says, “Your thoughts become your actions.” I knew that if I could get her thinking along these lines, there was a lot better chance that actions would follow.  I also knew that, contrary to popular wisdom, the actions of love produce the feelings of love, not vice versa.  She was telling me that she wasn’t feeling the feelings, but I had learned that doing the actions produces the feelings.  I realized that if she would really think about it and take the time to shop, this had the potential to produce feelings. 

Yes, I skipped a lot in the story, and yes, I am going to go back and fill in the blanks.  And yes, last year I had the happiest birthday of my life.

Birthday Restoration Part 2

Posted: May 14, 2011 in Love and Marriage
Tags: , , , , , , ,
0

It’s the first day of my wife’s 41st year and life is certainly looking good from here.  Yesterday was one of those benchmark days on the restoration tour.  It’s a specific day, with specific events, that rectify and replace some of what was wrong with everything that is now right.

This birthday was full of peace and joy, while last year’s was anxious and fretful.  Last year, love was elusive, and noticeably absent.  This year, the presence of love was pervasive and unmistakable.  Last year, we were discovering that a lot of people who we thought were our friends were no friends at all.  This year, we know that we have a number of true friends, and we value them greatly.

So what made the difference? Several things.

Of course, the fact that we reached the point last Summer where we reconciled and found each other again changed everything.  Celebrating a birthday is completely different when two people are happily in love and wouldn’t think of leaving or ending the relationship.  But what about the healing, and the restoration of the past?

This year, it was all about knowing my wife well enough to know what mattered to her, and caring enough to make sure that she got the birthday that she wanted.  It was about putting thought and intent into making this a special and memorable day for her, not just doing obligatory duties like buying gifts and ordering a cake.

My wife is a kid at heart, so I made it a princess birthday, featuring Disney princesses and especially Belle, her favorite.  I got a good laugh at the store where I was buying princess wrapping paper, stickers, silly bands, etc. and the checker asked, “How old is she going to be?”  I’m pretty sure 40 wasn’t the answer she was expecting.

I gave her gifts and little surprises throughout the day, with a big surprise or two carefully worked in at the right moments.  There were presents to open in the morning (she’s a kid remember, and they want their gifts), little surprises slipped into her lunch box, and a car full of pink ballons when she left work.

Birthday Morning

After dinner, I gave her a surprise gift that she never saw coming.  Many years ago, a diamond pendant that I had bought her came up missing and was never found.  This year, I picked out a pendant to match the ring I gave her on our anniversary.  She thought she had already received her “big gift” in the morning and was completely unprepared for the necklace.
In the evening, we had a princess party at a local specialty cupcake shop, where a small group of friends and family surrounded her and joined in the spirit of the evening by putting on stickers and silly bands, pulling the strings on party poppers, and generally being silly.
A lot of healing took place yesterday.  A lot was restored.  Some of it, I wasn’t even aware of.  That’s the way love works when you do it right.  In the passage known as the love chapter the Bible says, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.”
Older Entries
Newer Entries