Posts Tagged ‘separation’

Day 165 and Counting…Pre-Race Fuel?

Posted: February 15, 2013 in Love and Marriage
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Friday, January 21, 2011

Still dealing with some leftover fallout from our separation.  Ceecee forwarded me an email from that guy who has still been contacting her,  I thought he was pretty much gone, but she sent it to me this morning and was very apologetic. It was another of those “Can we talk?” messages. It’s not like she hasn’t repeatedly told him to leave her alone, so she didn’t need to apologize for it, but I asked her if she would allow me to get involved now.

Before this, she always asked me not to, but today she said to go ahead, so I replied to it.  Maybe this will be the end of it.

Tonight we’re going to a little local place called Tony’s Famous Spaghetti.  We’re calling it “pre-race fuel” since the 5K is still on for tomorrow.  It’s really just an excuse to eat there because it’s good and inexpensive, but pre-race fuel sounds good.  There’s still a layer of an inch or two of ice on the road in a lot of places, so this should be interesting in the morning.

Day 160 and Counting…An Unmanly Post

Posted: February 10, 2013 in Love and Marriage
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Sunday, January 16, 2011

I have a very unmanly confession to make.  One of my top favorite movies of all time is Anne of Green Gables.  Yes, as in “based on the novels by Lucy Maud Montgomery,” and made for a TV miniseries.  And….I own the entire set on DVD and watch them regularly.

I realize that I am now in jeopardy of losing my man-license and I have just written this for the entire world to read.  Why am I doing this?  I’m not sure, other than this is me and I’m telling it like it is.  And Ceecee and I had an Anne of Green Gable movie marathon at the loft today which involved crying.

That’s another thing.  I’ve always been a sensitive guy and I’ve been known to get emotional at movies before this, but now, since my change of heart and the things we’ve been through…it’s water works all the time.  I don’t fight it, though.  I know I’ve been through a lot of healing and there’s a lot of release that just needs to happen, so I let it.

Day 144 and Counting… Snowed In and Celebrating!

Posted: January 28, 2013 in Love and Marriage
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Friday, December 31, 2010

What a day for reflecting and being thankful.  What a day, period.  Make that, What a day, exclamation point!

It’s the last day of 2010 and I’m completely overwhelmed.  First of all, we’re back home.  We left a little early yesterday to race an oncoming winter storm.  It was moving from west to east and we didn’t want to take a chance on getting stuck, so we headed out and beat it back to Springfield.

It caught up to us after we got here and we’re pretty much snowed in, which is just the way we like it.  Our loft is right downtown, so if we need anything, we can walk down to the Bistro Market or any of the downtown eateries, but we’re warm, we have a great view, and we have everything we need.

Most importantly, we have each other, and a love that just keeps growing.  It keeps getting deeper and richer and I’m treasuring every moment of it.  Today Ceecee said I’m the peanut butter to her jelly.  That about sums it up, I guess.

It’s new year’s eve and when this year started, I had no idea that our marriage was nearly at its end.  I had pretty much been numb for so long, that I wouldn’t have known much of anything about what was going on in Ceecee’s heart or in her life.  I was just going through the motions most of the time because I wasn’t healthy and didn’t have any idea what to do.

Of course, the Spring was when our separation really began.  Ceecee hadn’t moved out yet, but she left me emotionally before she actually found her own place.  I spent the first few months trying to figure out how to stop it all from happening and the next few months changing, getting help, and learning to love her and winning her back.  By time school started, I had moved in to her place and we were gingerly putting the pieces back together.

The plan for the year we are calling the restoration tour was birthed then and it has gained momentum with each passing month.  There has been so much healing that I can’t possibly even attempt to chronicle it all here.  In the background, there is still pain and fear.  It comes from what we went through and some things we’re still dealing with, but it becomes less important as time separates us from it all more and more and we continue to make things new.

Today has been another one of those magical days – a fairy tale.  It’s the kind of day I had given up on.  Here I am though, living the dream.  I can’t take the credit.  It was God who brought this about and Ceecee’s heart that was willing to be changed to love again that’s made this possible.  This was both the worst and the best year of my life, if that makes any sense.  One thing is for certain.  I will never go back to the way things were.

Day 142 and Counting… Restoration in Old Dodge City

Posted: January 25, 2013 in Love and Marriage
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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Had a nice run through the streets of Dodge City this morning.  It’s one of our least favorite places for a plethora of reasons, but it’s where Ceecee’s Mom and Step-Dad live and close to my daughter as well.  We’ve hardly worked out or trained at all recently, so we decided we better do some running while we’re here.

Dodge City was where we lived when my spiritual decline really began.  We only moved there because we felt that God was calling us to.  We went through a painful church split and a number of other things that caused a lot of bitterness for me.  We were victims of numerous property crimes, had some falling out with people we had been close to, and got into financial difficulties with two houses that we owned.

Although it was wrong to do so, I blamed God and began to shut down.  I started shutting off my emotions toward Ceecee as well, although I didn’t entirely realize it.  We finally left and moved to Missouri as kind of a plea to be allowed to go and try to start over somewhere else.

This afternoon, we went walking downtown and through the old neighborhood.  We reminisced and romanced and it was wonderful to be in a place where we had gone through so much frustration and pain, but now had overcome it and were in such a different place, both literally and emotionally.  We had endured everything that had come against us and come out of it more in love and better people than we had been before.

Day 140 and Counting…Recalling Better Days

Posted: January 24, 2013 in Love and Marriage
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Monday, December 27, 2010

 

Back in our beloved St. Louis.  We stopped to eat at Guido’s on The Hill, which we always enjoy.  It brought back so many good memories, but especially of the day while we were separated and we brought my daughter to St. Louis.  That was the day when we sat at Guido’s and Ceecee began to recall good memories from our past, not the painful and difficult ones she had been stuck on for so long before that.

We all laughed a  lot that day and it seemed like something had changed in the dynamics of our relationship.  Ceecee confirmed later that I was right and that she had indeed begun to entertain a little hope that day that maybe things could work out for us.

Tomorrow we hit the road again, going west this time.  We’ll be staying in Dodge City, Ks as the tour continues…

Day 111 and Counting… A New Sofa And Other Evidence Of Change

Posted: January 7, 2013 in Love and Marriage
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Sunday, November 28, 2010

When we got back to town last night, instead of going home, we went straight to the mall and paid for the sofa. We didn’t have a way to bring it home, but we didn’t want to take a chance. We had missed a deal on a recliner earlier by not being there that day.

I called a buddy of mine and he said we could use his truck. Meanwhile, I listed our old couch on Craigslist. A guy and his son actually came and got it last night, so it was a relief in a couple of ways. It was out of the way, so we could get the new sofa in, and it got rid of another thing with bad associations from the apartment. The more we change in the loft, the better I feel about it being ours and not the place she lived without me.

It’s a big, long sofa and we live on the second floor of a loft building. It definitely wasn’t easy getting it up the stairs and into the loft, but it gave us a little reminder of the way things had changed between us. Despite struggling with it, we were patient and spoke nicely to each other. That wouldn’t have happened in the past. It’s just all part of the tour. The big things we plan for and the little unexpected things that we haven’t even thought about until they come up.

Day 89 and Counting… No News is…No News

Posted: November 30, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Saturday, November 6, 2010

Yesterday’s doctor’s appointment was frustrating. I was really hoping he would say that my experience was common and would know what to do about it. Instead, he acted like he’d never heard of anything like it. He had me do a bunch of things and asked if it hurt or had me resist against pressure from him.

Finally he said that he thinks it’s because my hips are weak and it makes me unstable when I run long distances. I don’t know about that, but that’s what he came up with. He scheduled me for an MRI Monday and we’ll go from there.

Tomorrow is Ceecee’s marathon. It still overwhelms me and confuses me to no end when I think about all of this from when she first decided to run this marathon and everything we’ve been through since. I wouldn’t trade what we have now for anything in the world, and I’m not sure if there was another way we could have gotten here. Even so, I can’t help but wonder what really caused our separation and if we could have avoided it.

Can’t live in the past though, so it’s onward to better things. Ceecee has really lavished love on me lately and I’m basking in that. I finally feel the way I’ve always wanted to, but never thought I could. She makes me feel like I’m the most valuable and special person in the world.

Day 82 and Counting…Riding the Frisco Line

Posted: November 26, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Saturday, October 30, 2010

We decided to take a long ride on the same trail where Ceecee ran the half marathon this past Spring. That was the day my re-commitment to fitness began, and it was right at the time that our marriage as we knew it was coming to an end. I’ve never been more proud of my wife than I was that day. When she crossed the finish line, something changed inside me and I wanted to be a better man. It was too late for her at that time, but eventually we got to where we are now and I’m so thankful to be where we are.

Anyway, the Frisco Line trail is supposed to run 43 miles and it was built on an old railroad track that is no longer used. The trail head is about 7 miles from our loft, so the plan was to ride to the trail head and then go as far as we could, possibly all the way to the end of the trail. At the half marathon, they went about 6.5 miles out, turned around and came back.

What we discovered today is that it’s only paved for 8 miles and then it turns to gravel. Since we have road bikes, gravel wasn’t an option, so we did the only thing we could do. We turned around and headed back the way we came from. We had ridden 15 miles to get there, so even if we just went home, it would still be a decent ride.

There’s a little town called Willard that the trail cuts right through. On the way back, on a whim, we decided to pull into a little place called Coffee Guru and see what they had to offer. We didn’t have real high expectations and were blown away when we were served what I’d have to consider the best pumpkin spice latte I’ve ever had. It broke up the ride and it was just a fun little blessing on a beautiful day.

Day 77 and Counting… Back Home

Posted: November 20, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Monday, October 25, 2010

I had to ride my bike while Ceecee ran 12 miles this morning. I can’t run on my knee, but she’s still training for her marathon. It seems crazy now that when this all started, she was saying she was going to run a marathon to prove she isn’t old.

The game was fun yesterday. My team lost and hers won. We both cheered for our teams, but we almost wanted the other to win so that each other wouldn’t feel bad. What we have now is so good. I’ll take it over any football win anytime, anywhere.

We drove home through rain for most of the way, while listening to Jack Johnson on the CD player. The scenery was beautiful and we enjoyed every bit of it. Nine days of celebration surrounding an anniversary that almost wasn’t and now we’re back home.

Day 75 and Counting… A Beautiful Tennessee Fall Day

Posted: November 19, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Saturday, October 23, 2010

Tennessee is so beautiful at this time of year. Ceecee and I brought our bikes and took a ride through the country near my in-laws’ house this morning. The scenery was spectacular and, at one point, we rode through a shower of leaves falling from the trees alongside the road. My knee can handle cycling, just not running at this point. When we get back to Springfield, I’ll have to find a doctor and find out what’s going on, but for now, I’m thankful to be able to ride.

We made our third visit this week to an Old Chicago restaurant today. They have a club called the World Beer Tour, and you get a card that keeps track of all your purchases. There are incentives and prizes you can win and they have what they call mini-tours throughout the year. Some are holiday themed, while others revolve around major events.

Currently, they are holding the Halloween mini-tour. Normally, we don’t spend this much money on beer, but you get a free t-shirt if you complete the tour and I really wanted the shirt. We only needed one more visit, and there was an Old Chicago just minutes from my in-laws” house, so we went for lunch today.

Now remember, we’re in Tennessee for a football game, and I’m a fan of the “other team,” so I got into talking smack with our waiter, who good-naturedly gave it right back. Our last beer to complete the tour was the “manager’s choice,” so we didn’t get to order it. We just had to take whatever it was. My wife got a really cool craft beer from New England, while I got something awful in a brown paper bag. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the manager’s, but rather our Tennessee Titans fan server’s choice. Ceecee and I laughed over me “taking one for the team” and drinking it anyway.

It’s so wonderful to have found this new peace and to have rediscovered the fun in our relationship. There were so many years of tension and never knowing when one of us was going to say or do the wrong thing and the downward spiral was going to start again. The laughter had been missing for so long. I clearly remember one day very shortly before we separated when my wife asked me if I was happy and I told her honestly that I was no longer sure I even understood the concept. Looking back, I understand why she came to believe that she needed to leave. Now, I can’t be more thankful that I not only have another chance, but that we’ve both been so transformed and that we can make our future so much different from our past.

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