My wife just finished reading a historical novel called, “The Paris Wife,” by Paula McLain. It tells the story of Ernest Hemingway’s first wife, and it’s a tale of a marriage doomed by Hemingway’s insatiable lust and infidelities. In it, there is speculation that he may have been financially supporting a lover at one time during his first marriage.
The reason I bring this up is that the lack of honesty and transparency in their relationship was what made that situation possible. When Ceecee was telling me about the book, it was that story in particular that caught my attention. I thought of the way our marriage is today compared to the way it was a few years ago.
Today, each of us has full access to the other’s email, Facebook, and cell phone. We are both on all of the bank accounts and we share checkbooks and debit cards. We know each other’s passwords and there is an understanding that either of us can look through the other’s phone any time for any reason.
This might sound like we don’t trust each other. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. It’s because we do trust each other that this works. It’s also because of what we previously lost and had to regain that we chose to implement these measures into our relationship.
A few years ago, we had our secrets. Secrets around birthdays and holidays are fine, but emails, texts, and other communications with people of the opposite sex that are intentionally kept confidential can be quite destructive indeed. Both of us dabbled in the virtual world, and while I’m sure we never intended it to cross over into reality, it opened the door for much of what caused our separation.
Because of where we’ve been and where we are now, we are both extremely protective of the love that we have. These “security” measures are not designed as a means of checking up on each other, but as a protection from ever opening that door, even a crack, again.
Just recently, I was in my wife’s Facebook, updating some information in her timeline for her. It never even crossed my mind to open her messages and see who she’s been talking to. We do trust each other, and we show that trust by saying, “Here is everything, open and available for you to see. I have nothing to hide, and I want you to know that.”
The Restoration Tour 