Sunday, April 4, 2010
Well, the Easter Bunny came and today has been a pretty nice day. Ceecee liked her stuff and she also insisted that we get a basket for our grown daughter Angie, even though she’s married and has a husband who should be doing these things. That’s the Mom in her not wanting to let go and that’s ok.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Ceecee thinks she can’t swim, but she can. She was an army brat growing up and never had swimming lessons. Now she wants to start swimming, but she always says she doesn’t know how. Back when we lived in Dodge City, KS, I took her to the pool and she said she didn’t know how to swim. I showed her the basic strokes and she swam just fine, but today when we went to the pool at the Meyer Center, she said she didn’t know how to swim again.
I showed her again and she swam, but she could only do one length of the pool without stopping. Now we’re home and she’s filling out job applications. She got a teaching license by taking some exams, so she has a certification in science and she wants to have her own classroom next year. That would really help us out financially and would give her more of a sense of fulfillment, I think.
Tomorrow is Easter and it’s not really a big deal, but we’ve always celebrated it and my wife is kind of silly about these things. I always get her a basket with candy and usually a little gift and I put them out at night when she’s in bed. I’ll do the same tonight, but I don’t really know if it matters this year.
Friday, April 2, 2010
We do this thing called “family night” on Friday nights. Well, not every Friday, but pretty often. We got the idea from this other family at church and we just kind of stole it. We make homemade pizza and watch a movie on DVD.
When the kids still lived at home, it was more of a big deal, but now that only Taylor is here, we try to get Angie, our married daughter, and her husband to come over, or we let Taylor invite one of his friends, even though that isn’t really “family.” Each person gets a ball of dough to make a crust and they put their own toppings on. Then we eat them while watching a family appropriate movie. That brings some groans from the kids sometimes, because they say the movies are boring, but we figure if it’s going to be family night, we need to keep it family themed.
Anyway, it just didn’t feel right tonight. Ceecee and I sat together on the “mushroom.” It’s this weird couch/loveseat thing that said “mushroom” on the tag when we bought it, so that’s what we’ve always called it. The kids sprawled around the living room like usual, but Ceecee was texting or something on her phone on seemed distant. I asked her who she was talking to, but she didn’t want to tell me, and she seemed irritated by me in general. I can’t help wondering what’s happened to our marriage.
Wednesday, March 31. 2010
I’m really starting to get concerned. Ceecee goes through phases where she’s upset for a while, but it usually only lasts a couple of days and everything goes back to normal. This has been going on for quite a bit longer and she doesn’t seem to be snapping out of it. I don’t know what to do. When Taylor comes home, a lot of the time he asks, “Is Mom in a bad mood today?” If the answer is yes, he pretty much hides out in his room. He’s been spending a lot of time there lately.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Rough day today. Ceecee is angry at the world, it seems. Taylor and I are tiptoeing around trying not to get in her way. Taylor is her son from a previous relationship, so he’s my stepson. He lives with us and is in his senior year in high school. Ceecee really hates her job right now, so I suppose that’s where her frustration is coming from. She’s a paraprofessional at the same junior high school where I teach. That’s a fancy word for a teacher’s aide, and she works with the behavior disordered special ed. kids. The worst of the worst. That would wear on anyone, I suppose, and she hardly gets paid anything.
I teach math and am pretty happy with my job overall. I’ve been teaching for 14 years and I really like it on most days. Not too many people are really in the career of their choosing, doing what they enjoy, so I feel blessed. I wish I could figure out what makes my wife so angry, but we’ve been through this before, so I’m sure it will pass. She’s going to Zumba with one of her girlfriends in a little while and that usually cheers her up.
Friday, June 25, 2010
My stepson is sitting beside me as I simultaneously force myself to wear the brave face and quell the overwhelming desire to break down and cry. I can’t believe I am doing this. Right now, I am driving the truck that contains all of my precious wife’s belongings that will go with her to her new apartment. Yes, I am helping her leave me.
Early this morning, we went and picked up the keys to her new place and she was excited. I was devastated, but she didn’t seem to get that. We’ve been married for about thirteen and a half years and I still have no idea how it came to this. Well, actually I do, but I’m still struggling with that. Yes, I messed up, and yes, I hurt her, but that was a long time ago. Why this? Why now?
She finally caught that I was upset and told me not to be. She said I should be happy for her and that she wants to celebrate. I knew she wanted to celebrate, but I couldn’t imagine what that would have to do with me. I said something to that effect and she told me that she wanted us to share the Champagne and strawberries together. That made me feel a little better, but it also confused me to no end. Why are we doing this? She says she needs time. She says she needs space. She says she needs to find herself and figure out what she wants.
I’m not stupid. I know that’s the kind of thing women say when they are having an affair, but that can’t be what’s happening here. Ceecee and I spend almost all of our time together, so she can’t be seeing anyone. I would know. Besides, she promised me years ago that would never happen and I believe her.
Anyway, we went and got the truck, loaded all her things, and now we’re getting close to the parking lot of her apartment building. How can I do this? Why am I doing this? Who helps his wife leave him? A guy who is crazy in love with her and has had his heart radically changed, I guess. That’s me. The guy who loves her more than his own life and would do anything for her.
I’m not sure if they are nationwide, but if you live anywhere in my part of the country, I’m sure you’ve seen those “We buy ugly houses” billboards. They offer quick cash (at very low value) for houses that are fixer uppers, or for people looking for a very fast sale.
Yesterday, I passed one of their billboards that said across the top, “Don’t fix it, sell it.” I couldn’t help thinking how that very attitude is such a large part of the problem we have with so many aspects of our modern American culture.
We’ve become such a throw away society. We buy inexpensive, low quality goods and just replace them when they wear out or break. There’s no reason to value them.
We do the same thing with our relationships – even our marriages. We fall in love, we promise forever, and then we toss it away when it doesn’t make us happy.
“Don’t fix it, sell it” implies that it isn’t worth fixing. That it will take too much work. It will be too difficult. It will take too long.
Just get out and find a new place is the message. Except that nothing other than the physical address will have changed.
Because if you didn’t value the home you had enough to maintain it and to fix what needed fixing, you won’t value the next one either. You’re not solving any problems, you’re just creating a cycle that doesn’t change.
The problem with ending your marriage when it isn’t going well is that you bring the same issues and even more baggage to the next one. You can find another person to take the place of your former spouse, but when you look in the mirror, the same person’s still looking back at you.
So don’t sell it – fix it! When you do, a lot of good things happen.
First of all, you value that person you pledged your life to enough to say, “I’ll do whatever it takes to make this right.” That will bring about a change in the other person, although it may take a while.
Secondly, the time and effort you put into fixing your marriage translates into a much higher level of committment in the future. Easy come, easy go, but when your blood, sweat, and tears have built the house, you don’t just walk away.
Third, and most importantly, you change yourself. You learn to stay and work instead of cutting and running. You break the destructive, “things are never going to change” cycle.
All of these things together add up to both of you getting what you’ve always wanted in the end. This is not a pipe dream, it’s the truth.
If you don’t know how to do this, there are plenty of us who do and will be more than happy to show you the way. Don’t sell it, because you’ll be selling yourself short. Fix it instead. Write me at therestorationtour@gmail.com
Is there any harm in flirting or is it all just harmless fun? If you’re married, it depends.
Flirting with your spouse is not only fun, it’s a highly recommended way to increase the romance and intimacy in your relationship and keep things from getting stale. Flirting with anyone other than your spouse is an absolute no. As in, it’s never ok.
Some of you won’t like that, but I’m not trying to make friends here. I’m trying to save, heal, and restore marriages, and that requires some straight talk. Just because something is passed off as “normal” doesn’t make it right, and saying “everybody does it” is not only a cop-out, it isn’t even true.
The question you should be asking is, “How does my spouse feel about it?” More pointedly, “How would my spouse feel if he or she could see me right now flirting with someone else?” The reason I ask that second question is that people in relationships that are less than what they should be often don’t tell the truth, even to each other. It’s not uncommon for someone to say, “My wife/husband doesn’t care if I flirt,” when the truth is, there isn’t enough trust or intimacy there for the other person to feel that he or she can tell the truth about how it makes him or her feel.
The bottom line is, you can either love your spouse the way he or she was meant to be loved, or you can be selfish and not experience the type of fulfillment that a great marriage brings. You really can’t have it both ways.
If you want a happy, fulfilling marriage, your actions – all of them – have to be motivated by love. Love is something you make. Love is something you do, and if you do it right, your spouse will know that there is no one else on your mind or in your heart. A person with that level of security will open up and show you the kind of love in return that makes playing games with anyone else utterly unappealing.
Does a little “harmless” flirting hurt anything? You bet it does. It hurts the one you’re supposed to love, and it hurts yourself by working against the very thing you should want the most; a marriage characterized by closeness and outward expressions of love for one another.
I have nothing against the idea of love being all about hearts and flowers. I mean, sugar and spice and everything nice seems to fit with the idea, at least from a greeting card perspective. And if we are only talking about the concept of “being in love,” then sappy and sweet is appropriate.
The problem with all of that is that it’s not even close to being what love really is. If love is only love when everyone is happy and smiling, then it isn’t love at all. In fact, that idea of love equating to happiness is why so many people divorce soon after they fall “out of love” or one of them gets hurt by the other.
Author James Baldwin wrote, “Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.” Before love can truly become love, it has to learn to give without needing to take, and it has to overcome some hurt and disappointment.
How does one measure love? In terms of greatness, the standard may well be sacrifice. Who has loved greatly? Who do we esteem as having loved beyond the reasonable expectation of being loved in return?
Is it not the one who has sacrificed greatly? Is it not a Mother Teresa, an Oscar Schindler, or even Jesus Christ? Didn’t Jesus say that, “No man has greater love than he who lays his life down for his friends?”
I fear that far too many people allow their spouses to leave and divorce them without realizing that they can enter into that battle where love becomes an overcoming, conquering force that wins the day when all seems lost. Too many people give up far too soon and then lament that they “still love” their spouse, but they can ‘t do anything about what has happened.
If love is nothing else, love is most definitely about doing something about any situation where someone has a need. When that someone is your spouse, it’s time to rise up and be the warrior who will not rest until the battle is finished. Marriages don’t fail because people are ok. When a marriage fails, people are hurting, devastated, afraid, and often irrational.
If you’re the one who still wants the marriage, you can’t base your actions on what your spouse says or does. You have to fight. And it’s not him or her you’re fighting. It’s those spiritual and emotional forces that are causing the pain and devastation that are the enemies of your relationship.
You have to set aside the role of the hurt victim and take on the role of the conquering rescuer. You have to go to battle on behalf of your spouse, even if he or she is currently the source of your pain. If you don’t, you will lose, and you will lose permanently.
When much of Europe was being over-run in WWI and WW2, The United States could have stayed away and left things alone. We could have stayed home when genocides were taking place, dictators were crushing the people within their borders, and atrocities were being performed in remote corners of the world. We could have allowed people to continue to suffer, but we chose to go and do something about it.
When my wife was gone and living her life in a way that was intended to cut me out of her future, I could have given up. I could have made excuses. I could have said all kinds of things about how she made her choice, I deserved better, she isn’t willing to work on the marriage, and on and on and on. Instead, I chose to see her as she really was, and as I dare say almost every spouse who leaves is. A hurt, frustrated, scared soul who never wanted to get to this point.
Seeing her that way allowed me to fight her demons rather than fighting her. It allowed me to put myself aside and go rescue her. She didn’t think she needed to be rescued, and she didn’t want to be rescued, but now she thanks me for coming to her rescue. I’m not saying these things to build myself up or portray myself as a hero. I’m saying them because I continually meet people who are separated or divorced and they don’t understand that if they want to save their marriage, this is what you do.
There is so much to say about just this one thing that I could probably write a book about it and perhaps I will. For now, be encouraged and challenged. If this stirs you, or if you know someone this may help, please consider sharing. To talk privately, contact me at therestorationtour@gmail.com
In my last post, I mentioned a house we restored in Western Kansas. It was while living in and working on that house that I learned the meaning of the expression, “blood, sweat, and tears.” I put all three into that house as the project progressed.
When my marriage began to unravel, it was very similar to the experience of restoring houses like that. Things had gotten bad and it didn’t really matter how or why. What mattered is what needed to be done about it.
It doesn’t take both people working to restore a marriage, however. Most people assume that if one person isn’t willing to work, the relationship can’t be fixed. Nothing could be further from the truth.
If there was ever love there, it can be rebuilt. Either person can do this. Sure it’s easier if both people work together, but that’s rarely going to be the case. When a marriage reaches that point, generally either someone wants out or has already left. That person is probably not going to be working.
If the other, the one who wants the marriage, will do the work, it will still get done. It will take longer and be more difficult, but it will still get done. It’s not so much a question of if it will work, but of how long it will take and what it will require. I wish everyone who has found him or herself staring at divorce would realize this.
When Ceecee decided to give up on me and move on, I was the only one there to do the work. I had to learn on the fly and I had to get busy. No excuses, no “what if’s”, I had to get to work and be diligent about it.
I worked and worked, day after day, week after week, month after month. Most of that time, it didn’t seem like it was doing any good. There was little, if any response from Ceecee. I just kept working, because I believed I could rebuild the love. I was committed to seeing it through and idealistic enough to believe that it could be done.
When you work on a house like the one we bought in Kansas, it’s much the same way. You work and work and labor and labor and sometimes it doesn’t seem like it’s ever going to be worth it. It seems like it was a mistake to ever buy the house and it seems like it will never get finished or amount to anything. All the work doesn’t seem to yield results.
At times, it seems like it’s destined to fail. There are setbacks and failures. You cut into something you shouldn’t have cut into. You try to move a wall that you shouldn’t be moving. You discover problems that you never anticipated.
So it was with our marriage. I was working and building to be sure, but there were setbacks. I said things I shouldn’t have said. I opened up things that I shouldn’t have dug around in. I got selfish at times and lost focus.
Then it comes together all of a sudden. You finish the drywall and put on paint. You refinish the hardwood floors and suddenly it looks like a whole new place. The woodwork gets done, the colors take shape, decor comes into focus, and as if it happened all at once, a beautiful home rises from the sawdust and scraps.
It was literally two weeks from the last time my wife told me that she didn’t love me until she called asking me to move back in with her. There had been months of building leading up to those two weeks. At any time, I could have given up. I could have concluded that it was a mistake or it wasn’t worth it. I could have wasted my opportunity.
If I had, I wouldn’t be writing this blog, loving the most wonderful woman I’ve ever known, and trying to communicate to others that this is how it works. But it is how it works. Love is something you make. You build it by putting yourself aside and giving all you have to the one you’re committed to.
If there was ever love there to start with, it can be rebuilt. It takes time. It takes committment. It takes sacrifice. But it’s worth it. It’s always worth it. It’s so much more than worth it.
The Restoration Tour 