Posts Tagged ‘broken marriage’

Monday, December 27, 2010

 

Back in our beloved St. Louis.  We stopped to eat at Guido’s on The Hill, which we always enjoy.  It brought back so many good memories, but especially of the day while we were separated and we brought my daughter to St. Louis.  That was the day when we sat at Guido’s and Ceecee began to recall good memories from our past, not the painful and difficult ones she had been stuck on for so long before that.

We all laughed a  lot that day and it seemed like something had changed in the dynamics of our relationship.  Ceecee confirmed later that I was right and that she had indeed begun to entertain a little hope that day that maybe things could work out for us.

Tomorrow we hit the road again, going west this time.  We’ll be staying in Dodge City, Ks as the tour continues…

Thursday, December 23, 2010

The drive to Tennessee today was fun and uneventful.  We had a small Christmas this morning with just the two of us before we got on the road.  We opened our stockings (yes, Santa still fills them even with no kids in the house) and exchanged a few gifts.  Even that was part of the restoration tour as we exchanged cycling jerseys we had bought for each other.  The meaning in that gesture was something that only we would understand and it also kept us pointed toward next August’s Tour De Cox, the day we will also renew our vows as the culminating moment of the restoration tour.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Last night was date night. After dinner, we walked to the new downtown movie theater. It’s a bit more expensive than the other theaters in town, but the convenience of the location makes it worth it.

We started our 12 days of Christmas tradition 2 days early this year. Last year, we didn’t celebrate the 12 days. I suppose we didn’t really celebrate at all, since neither of us were sure we were going to continue on with our marriage.

Anyway, we usually start on the 13th of December because that day gives us exactly 12 days prior to Christmas for me to give gifts. I give her one thing on the first day, then 2 of something the next day, then three and so on. I’m not really sure how or when we started this, but it’s been a part of our marriage for many years.

Last year, Ceecee said I didn’t have to do the 12 days if I didn’t want to. I didn’t. I regret that now, but I can’t go back and undo the past. All I can do is love her the best way I know how from this day forward.

The gifts don’t need to be big or expensive. She doesn’t care about that. Her love language is receiving gifts and to her, getting a gift means that I am thinking of her and doing something tangible to show that she is loved. Today it was a hat from Aeropostale. Sometimes it’s candy. Sometimes it is something expensive, like jewelry. It really all depends on the budget we have and the things I find.

Oh yeah, back to the original point. We started early this year because we’re having Christmas on the 23rd this year due to travel plans. Instead of having to try to take the 11th and 12th day gifts along in the car and give them to her somewhere else, I just moved it up 2 days so that we will finish on schedule as though the 23rd is Christmas Day.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

When we got back to town last night, instead of going home, we went straight to the mall and paid for the sofa. We didn’t have a way to bring it home, but we didn’t want to take a chance. We had missed a deal on a recliner earlier by not being there that day.

I called a buddy of mine and he said we could use his truck. Meanwhile, I listed our old couch on Craigslist. A guy and his son actually came and got it last night, so it was a relief in a couple of ways. It was out of the way, so we could get the new sofa in, and it got rid of another thing with bad associations from the apartment. The more we change in the loft, the better I feel about it being ours and not the place she lived without me.

It’s a big, long sofa and we live on the second floor of a loft building. It definitely wasn’t easy getting it up the stairs and into the loft, but it gave us a little reminder of the way things had changed between us. Despite struggling with it, we were patient and spoke nicely to each other. That wouldn’t have happened in the past. It’s just all part of the tour. The big things we plan for and the little unexpected things that we haven’t even thought about until they come up.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

This morning, we caught the train back to St. Louis. Everything in Chicago was beautiful and we’re living the dream, literally. Although it would be hard to ever top that very first visit back in 2003, and we have so many great memories through the years that followed, I’d say this was our best trip ever. It’s like the old and familiar plus the new and exciting melded into one experience. We had the joy of “new love” in the context of all our past experiences and memories. It really defies description and will simply live in our hearts as a healing and restoring experience that we will always carry.

While we were on the train, we got a call from the furniture manager at Dillard’s, where Ceecee used to work. She had picked out a sofa for us while she was still there, but we were waiting for it to go on sale. Now that she doesn’t have an employee discount anymore, she told the manager that if it ever went on clearance to call us and we would buy it. We didn’t expect that call today, but I told him where we were and he said he’d mark it sold and we could come in tomorrow.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Even though we woke up just a half a block from Chicago’s “magnificent Mile,” or Michigan Avenue, we stayed away from the black Friday shopping crowds. We really have no desire to get in the middle of that, so we ate a leisurely breakfast, then did walk up and down the avenue and visit a few stores. We found a few small things that we picked up, like the Unofficial Harry Potter Cookbook, but we don’t go to Chicago to shop.

This year, we went to Chicago for our usual visit, but also as part of the restoration tour. When we went last year, it was fun, but the truth that our marriage was unraveling was evident in a few different incidents. At navy pier, we were impatient and snappy, but we blamed it on being hungry and tired. There was some tension and coldness while we walked around, and we put it off as stress from all the activity.

The thing that haunted me, though – and it couldn’t simply be explained away – is that I blew up at my wife in a store for no apparent reason. I didn’t just get irritated; I lost it and made it a personal attack against her character. It was without provocation and my wife was both hurt and confused by it.

In the early years of our marriage, that kind of thing just didn’t happen. In the years since the tornado, it became more of a common occurrence. I never had any answer I was willing to give when she would want to know why or what she did. The truth was, I was very unhappy inside and didn’t know how to express any of it in a healthy way, so I took it out on her when I reached a certain level of frustration.

So, while the parade, the German market, the deep dish pizza, and all the things we love about Chicago are still here, there’s something very important about this visit. The restoration tour is about setting things right and repairing the damage. It’s about fixing what needs fixed and maintaining what was formerly neglected. This time around, we’re being very intentional about expressing our love and appreciation for each other and restoring the wonderful feelings of being together in a place we love.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Had to work at Macy’s this evening after teaching today. Tonight, we leave for St. Louis where we’ll board the train for Chicago.

We’ve always driven before, but my wife loves riding the train and she found out Amtrak has an early morning train to Chicago that’s less than $50 per person round trip – even over thanksgiving weekend! We’ll leave early Wednesday morning and come back Saturday. That way we don’t use gas, don’t have to worry about weather, and don’t have to pay for parking in Chicago.

The only decision is whether to try to nap for a few hours or just stay up and try to sleep on the train. We’ll have to leave by 1:00 AM to be at the station in time to make the 4:45 Am train. I’m probably too excited to sleep. This will be a major stop on the restoration tour and it’s going to be epic!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Our marriage had so many great moments during the years before I began to fall apart. One theme that was pretty constant was my attempting, and often succeeding, in making Ceecee’s dreams come true. There have been many small ones and a few big ones.

One that happened recently had nothing to do with me. Well, not on the surface anyway. Ceecee had put a baby up for adoption long ago and had set it up to be an open adoption. She had always kept in touch with the lawyer and made sure he had her current address and contact information at all times.

The parents were supposed to have agreed that whenever the child asked about her biological parents, she would be told and that it would be her choice to initiate contact, if she wanted to. Ceecee often talked about her and wondered when that contact would occur.

When the time came that the girl would be turning sixteen, we believed that maybe it would be soon, but nothing happened. Again, around and following her 18th birthday, we anticipated that we would hear something. No contact was made again.

We knew what her adopted name was and had made small attempts to see if there were any public records or a Facebook page that would allow us to simply see how she seemed to be growing up, but there was never anything that we found that told us anything. Our oldest daughter had tried to find her more than once, but everything had proven to be false trails.

Then, one day recently, Angie called and said that she thought this time she had really found her on Facebook. Ceecee wasn’t allowed to initiate contact, but there was nothing preventing Angie from messaging her. She sent a friend request, which was accepted.

About this time, Ceecee came up to me one evening, held out her phone and said, “Look at this.” She was showing me a picture and I said, “Why are you showing me a picture of Kasey?” (Kasey is our middle daughter.) Ceecee said, “That’s not Kasey.” I looked again and just said, “Wow!” The family resemblance was uncanny. There was no doubt she was a sister.

Finally, it got to where everything was out in the open and Ceecee and her long ago adopted daughter got to speak on the phone briefly the other night. It’s just been one more amazing highlight in this magical time of our lives. While I had no direct impact on this taking place, we’ve talked about how much different this might be if we hadn’t worked our marriage out.

They would still be biological mother and daughter, regardless. The fact that Ceecee is now stable, happy, and in a good place is so much better than the alternative, though. This isn’t going to change anyone’s life, but we anticipate visits and the building of some amount of relationship as time goes by. I can’t be happier to be a part of it

Sunday, November 14, 2010

I’m still at Macy’s and Ceecee wants me to put in my two weeks notice. I would like to, and will probably have to because of Thanksgiving, but I have to admit – the extra money is nice. We are going to Chicago over Thanksgiving break from school and this will be one of the most important stops on the restoration tour. If Macy’s won’t let me have the time off, I’ll have to quit. If they do let me, I may stay until Christmas.

My working two jobs means we have less time together, but we seem to make more of the time we have than we ever did before. Maybe it’s because we appreciate what we have so much more now. It’s somewhat true that you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. We are both really motivated now not to take each other for granted.
I sell furniture and it’s really dead in our department a lot of the time. That means I have a lot of time just to think. That’s good and bad. It’s good in that it’s not a stressful job and I can use some of the time I’m on the clock to meditate and work on healing and continuing to grow and change. My therapist gave me some breathing and meditation exercises to do and they really help.

It’s also bad because I do have so much time to think, so I find my mind going back to the pain of our past and I’m sometimes borderline obsessing over what happened and the regrets I have. I find myself dreading certain songs being played and I have to constantly re-direct my thoughts to the present and the joy we’re living now.

Today, I was thinking about it all and I realized that when I was all messed up in the past, the love of my life was already there with me. I thought I needed to go looking for something, but I already had it all right from the start. I questioned Ceecee’s love for me for so long and I convinced myself that it couldn’t last forever. Now I see that her love was always true and I had everything I wanted and needed all along.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Yesterday’s doctor’s appointment was frustrating. I was really hoping he would say that my experience was common and would know what to do about it. Instead, he acted like he’d never heard of anything like it. He had me do a bunch of things and asked if it hurt or had me resist against pressure from him.

Finally he said that he thinks it’s because my hips are weak and it makes me unstable when I run long distances. I don’t know about that, but that’s what he came up with. He scheduled me for an MRI Monday and we’ll go from there.

Tomorrow is Ceecee’s marathon. It still overwhelms me and confuses me to no end when I think about all of this from when she first decided to run this marathon and everything we’ve been through since. I wouldn’t trade what we have now for anything in the world, and I’m not sure if there was another way we could have gotten here. Even so, I can’t help but wonder what really caused our separation and if we could have avoided it.

Can’t live in the past though, so it’s onward to better things. Ceecee has really lavished love on me lately and I’m basking in that. I finally feel the way I’ve always wanted to, but never thought I could. She makes me feel like I’m the most valuable and special person in the world.