Sunday, November 14, 2010
I’m still at Macy’s and Ceecee wants me to put in my two weeks notice. I would like to, and will probably have to because of Thanksgiving, but I have to admit – the extra money is nice. We are going to Chicago over Thanksgiving break from school and this will be one of the most important stops on the restoration tour. If Macy’s won’t let me have the time off, I’ll have to quit. If they do let me, I may stay until Christmas.
My working two jobs means we have less time together, but we seem to make more of the time we have than we ever did before. Maybe it’s because we appreciate what we have so much more now. It’s somewhat true that you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. We are both really motivated now not to take each other for granted.
I sell furniture and it’s really dead in our department a lot of the time. That means I have a lot of time just to think. That’s good and bad. It’s good in that it’s not a stressful job and I can use some of the time I’m on the clock to meditate and work on healing and continuing to grow and change. My therapist gave me some breathing and meditation exercises to do and they really help.
It’s also bad because I do have so much time to think, so I find my mind going back to the pain of our past and I’m sometimes borderline obsessing over what happened and the regrets I have. I find myself dreading certain songs being played and I have to constantly re-direct my thoughts to the present and the joy we’re living now.
Today, I was thinking about it all and I realized that when I was all messed up in the past, the love of my life was already there with me. I thought I needed to go looking for something, but I already had it all right from the start. I questioned Ceecee’s love for me for so long and I convinced myself that it couldn’t last forever. Now I see that her love was always true and I had everything I wanted and needed all along.
The Restoration Tour 