Posts Tagged ‘mental-health’

Sunday, November 14, 2010

I’m still at Macy’s and Ceecee wants me to put in my two weeks notice. I would like to, and will probably have to because of Thanksgiving, but I have to admit – the extra money is nice. We are going to Chicago over Thanksgiving break from school and this will be one of the most important stops on the restoration tour. If Macy’s won’t let me have the time off, I’ll have to quit. If they do let me, I may stay until Christmas.

My working two jobs means we have less time together, but we seem to make more of the time we have than we ever did before. Maybe it’s because we appreciate what we have so much more now. It’s somewhat true that you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. We are both really motivated now not to take each other for granted.
I sell furniture and it’s really dead in our department a lot of the time. That means I have a lot of time just to think. That’s good and bad. It’s good in that it’s not a stressful job and I can use some of the time I’m on the clock to meditate and work on healing and continuing to grow and change. My therapist gave me some breathing and meditation exercises to do and they really help.

It’s also bad because I do have so much time to think, so I find my mind going back to the pain of our past and I’m sometimes borderline obsessing over what happened and the regrets I have. I find myself dreading certain songs being played and I have to constantly re-direct my thoughts to the present and the joy we’re living now.

Today, I was thinking about it all and I realized that when I was all messed up in the past, the love of my life was already there with me. I thought I needed to go looking for something, but I already had it all right from the start. I questioned Ceecee’s love for me for so long and I convinced myself that it couldn’t last forever. Now I see that her love was always true and I had everything I wanted and needed all along.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Ceecee registered for her marathon today. She thanked me on Facebook, which I appreciated, but she’s done all the hard work. She’s consistently running over 20 miles now, which I can’t really do, so sometimes I bring my bike and ride while she runs.

Other than that, we’re just enjoying being married. Life is pretty wonderful right now, and we’re growing more confident and secure as the days go by. There’s a lingering fear that this is only temporary, and that things will eventually revert back to the way they used to be, but I keep pushing that down, and there’s no evidence of it.

Things are actually getting better all the time and they are so different than they used to be. Ceecee doesn’t have that anger anymore, and I really believe her when she tells me how much she loves me. That’s pretty significant, because I always felt somehow unlovable before. I don’t know if it was from too many failed relationships or what, but I always felt, deep down inside, that I was unworthy of love, and that it was only a matter of time before any given person would reject me.