Thursday, April 29, 2010
Another walk to the Farmer’s market and another eye opening talk. For some reason, while we’re walking to and from the market, there’s an openness to our communication and we actually talk about our relationship.
We kind of picked up where we left off last week and took it a little bit further. Ceecee reiterated the ideas of not trusting me and being hurt and angry, but she wouldn’t get specific. Finally, I just asked her, “Does this go back to what happened with Emily (not her real name)?” She said that yes, it did. Emily was a younger woman from church whom I had fallen for, but that had been a long time ago. I thought we were past it and I certainly didn’t think it would still be affecting things now.
I had allowed myself to get caught up in the idea that my marriage had become stale and boring and at that same time, I was getting attention from Emily that I didn’t feel like I was getting from my wife. Really, I wasn’t even sure whether Ceecee still loved me and it didn’t seem like either of us was really sold on the marriage anymore.
We were living on the farm and I was working all the time. I was teaching full-time and we were running a CSA out of the farm and selling at several farmer’s markets around the area. It seemed like Ceecee and I were just going through the motions a lot of the time. The farm was my idea and she never really liked it. Neither of us was getting what we needed out of the marriage, but we were too busy to ever stop and deal with any of it.
In the middle of all of that, I had befriended Emily. My intentions weren’t bad, but I was in a state that wasn’t healthy, and getting close to someone of the opposite sex while you’re married is never a good idea. She treated me the way I wanted to be treated, and I allowed myself to have feelings for her. It just grew out of control and I didn’t want to stop and do what was right.
My wife figured it out, but I lied about it when she first brought it up. I kept up the lie for some time, not realizing the damage it was doing. She had always known me to be an honest person, and she knew I was lying, but I wouldn’t back down from my story. It really caused her belief in me to crumble, knowing I could willfully tell her that nothing was going on when it was obvious that I wasn’t telling her the truth.
Finally, I came to my senses and fessed up. Of course, Ceecee already knew and told me so. I also called Emily and told her that I couldn’t go on like we were because I didn’t want to ruin my marriage. We both told each other we were sorry and that we never meant to hurt anyone and she left the church about a week later.
Ceecee and I went through a rough patch for a while, but then we took a weekend and went to Eureka Springs, Arkansas for a make-up session. I thought it was our way of saying we were choosing to stay together and that we were putting our marriage back on the right footing. We stayed in a bed and breakfast and had one of the most memorable times together of any in our marriage. After that, I thought everything was fine.
Now, she’s telling me that’s why she isn’t sure she wants to stay together. Well, she didn’t actually say that, but I can’t get her to say she loves me either. Now she’s sticking to the story that she can’t trust me anymore and she doesn’t feel the same way about me that she used to and she’s telling me it goes back to that. What do I do with this? I told her I thought when we went to Eureka Springs that we got past all that. She said that she thought so at the time, but now she just doesn’t know.
The Restoration Tour 