Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Today, we rode our bikes to work and on the way home, we could see a storm approaching right where we were heading. We raced it, and right as we were reaching downtown, it hit.
I almost got blown over by a powerful wind gust and we were still trying to get to the loft when the rain started. We were right on the corner where our favorite cupcake place is, so we went for it and dashed inside. After the storm, we went home and Ceecee made Italian wedding soup!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Rather hilarious place we found ourselves this evening. Let’s just say that lately, our physical relationship has been off the charts and we were “otherwise engaged” when the tornado sirens went off. I was hearing them in the back of my mind, but not enough to comprehend what they meant.
When we finally realized that the sirens were sounding, and had been for some time, we jumped out of bed and frantically began trying to figure out what to do. We were in the loft building on the second floor and had no idea where to go, or even if there was any kind of shelter.
You’d think we would have been scared because of our past and my PTSD, but I had been getting treatment in therapy to overcome my fears of tornadoes and we found ourselves laughing and treating it like a silly adventure. Of course, it helped that the radar showed us to not be in any real danger.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
I have to confess. When I left Macy’s last night, my thoughts were running wild with the reception I would receive on my first night “home.” I imagined my wife waiting for me, breathless with anticipation. I pictured her taking hold of my tie, pulling me close, and leading me upstairs. Even though we had been together for more than 15 years, I was as nervous as a new boyfriend.
When I got to the loft, absolutely nothing happened. No joyful reunion. No passionate encounter. Nothing that suggested that this was anything other than the most ordinary night in the most ordinary of marriages. I was confused and let down. It was all very surreal after Saturday morning. I had no idea what to think, but it was infinitely better than being separated, so I guess I’ll just take it as it comes and see how it develops.
This morning, we walked over to a nearby coffee shop and had affogatos, an espresso drink with ice cream. It’s so wonderful to be back together and now it seems like we might be able to have the life we both always wanted, but never could seem to make happen. There’s a feeling of newness with the familiarity of knowing each other so well, so it’s weird being in an almost new relationship, yet with the same person I’ve been with for years.
Monday, August 2, 2010
I never thought I’d be this excited to be up early on a Monday morning. I’m getting some of my things ready to take with me, because when I leave Macy’s today, I’m going to the loft to be with Ceecee as husband and wife again! I’m not going to bring everything yet, but I’ll have a lot of my clothes and personal things in the car.
Taylor is going to stay at the apartment for now. We are paid for another month and we’ll just hope that he goes to the Air Force soon. Whenever they are ready, they’ll give him his physical test and then they need to have a job for him, so we’ll just wait and see. We’re still taking him out running and to the gym and trying to work on getting him in shape.
Saturday, July 31, 2011
I don’t even know how to write this. I did the mock triathlon this morning and it was totally amazing! I completed it, but the run was so hard. I wasn’t sure I would make it and I just started saying Ceecee’s and Jesus’ names out loud and kept taking another step. I finally got to the finish line totally exhausted, but with a satisfaction as well.
I went home and about 10 minutes later my phone rang. It was Ceecee and I’ll never forget what she said. She asked me, “Are you ready to call your landlord and give him your 30 day notice and come move in with me?” I didn’t know what else to say, so I just said, “Yes.” She asked me if I was sure and I said I had wanted this and prayed for this all along, so yes I was sure.
We got off the phone and I kind of fell backward onto my bed and I just laid there and cried for about 30 minutes. It just all came out. All the emotion and fear and struggle just poured out of me and I let it. I don’t really know exactly how long it was and I didn’t care. Then, after a while, I wanted to tell Taylor. He hadn’t come out of his bedroom and I didn’t know if he was awake or not. I knocked on his door and he answered and I told him about the phone call. A few minutes after that, Joe called. I answered and told him, “I’m crying this morning, but it’s tears of joy today.”
I had to work at Macy’s and Ceecee showed up with Angie and they both seemed so happy and excited. Ceecee and I walked off by ourselves and she kept telling me that she loved me and that she was sorry. I’ll never forget the way she looked at me.
She also said she had made some mistakes and done things she wasn’t proud of. I told her it didn’t matter and that if I had been faithful and had been the man of God that she believed me to be, that none of this ever would have happened and that she would have never been put in the position she was. I told her that I took responsibility for everything that had happened and I meant it.
I asked her how she wanted all this to work and she said that she needed a day or two to clear her head and get things ready, so she wanted me to move in on Monday. That would also give us time to figure out what would happen with Taylor. He would still have 30 days in the apartment and either he would get taken into the Air Force during that time, or we would make whatever arrangements needed to be made.
Somehow I had always believed that completing the triathlon would trigger us getting back together, but I never considered the mock tri. The real triathlon is still two weeks away. I have no idea what, if anything, me crossing that finish line this morning had to do with anything, but my faith has always been strong for this and today it has all come to fulfillment. Now to get through the next two days and our marriage starts over!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Not gonna lie. I saw last night coming. Yes, we fought again and it was awful, but there’s a difference this time. A couple of differences actually. One is that I came to a realization while I was in Kansas that I still need to change in one area. I need to value myself more.
I realized that if I can’t respect myself more than I do, there’s no way I can ever expect Ceecee to respect me the way she should in a marriage. I’ve been letting her call all the shots. When she calls, I jump. When she wants something, I get it. I don’t mind. In fact, I like doing things for her. It’s just that it’s out of
balance and I realized that I’m worth more.
That’s pretty new for me and pretty revolutionary for me to actually believe it. Part of it comes from my therapy which has really been amazing. Part of it comes from the knowing that I do have something to offer a woman. I guess the simplest way to put it is that I realized that I need to stand up and be the man that I am and Ceecee will either respond and be drawn to it, or she will reject me. Either way, I’m worth more.
The other thing is that I knew this fight would happen. I know this sounds weird, but I have been hearing God’s voice pretty clearly for a while now. Earlier this week, He told me some things that I need to say to my wife. He pretty much dictated to me exactly what to say and then He showed me that she wasn’t going to react well to it.
She’s always been that way. She doesn’t want to be confronted and doesn’t want to be made to talk about things that she doesn’t want to talk about. She gets mad and throws it back in my face, but she does think about it and usually takes it to heart.
What I’ve had to learn to live with and decide in the past is whether it’s worth it to take whatever pain is going to come to me in retribution for the hope that my words will bring about a positive effect after the first reaction has run it’s course. For the longest time, I’ve usually decided that it isn’t and just let everything go. That frustration has been one of the factors that led to the demise of our relationship.
In this case, I know the risk is great. In fact, I know I risked everything last night. I have no idea what she will do because of the things I said, but it could be beyond bad. On the other hand, it needed to be done. I needed to establish that things can’t go on like this forever and that she will need to choose at some point or I won’t always be waiting. I don’t want to face what may happen, but I’m holding on to hope that, as in the past, after the initial anger subsides, she will come to her senses.
She actually said last night that she doesn’t love me. She said it twice and it almost seemed like she was trying to convince herself of it more than she was trying to convince me. It hurt, but I don’t really think it’s true. I do think that we’re going into a dark time and I’m not looking forward to it.
I don’t know how long. I don’t know anything except that I still want her more than I want my own breath. Tonight, I’m at an outdoor concert by myself that we should be at together. It’s downtown on the square and I keep hoping that when she gets off work that she’ll show up. A part of me thinks she will and a part of me wonders if this is the first night of the rest of my life without her.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Went to GNC last night and bought some supplements. Then I had a brilliant idea. Back when we used to live in Dodge City, there were a couple of things we really loved that you can only get in the Mexican stores. One is a cake called tres leches and the other are these marinated steaks. I decided to get them for Ceecee and bring some back as a surprise. The Mexican bakery was out. but I got them to agree to come in early in the morning and make one just for me to take back to Missouri!
This morning, I went and picked up the cake and stopped at a grocery store for some dry ice. I had the steaks and some Mexican candy also. When I got to Ceecee’s loft, she didn’t have the reaction I hoped for. She said I shouldn’t be so nice to her and that she doesn’t deserve it. I told her nonsense and that I did it just because I wanted to. We’re supposed to go out tonight, so hopefully it will be a good night.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
It’s been kind of awkward since Thursday. We talked on the phone later and she said she felt like a piece of trash because we weren’t actually together when we did what we did. I told her that we were still married even though we weren’t living together and that I thought it was entirely appropriate and that God was delighted that we did it.
She has been a little distant, though. I dont’ know if it scared her, or what. It seems like now she’s going out of her way to make sure she communicates that nothing has changed and we’re still separated. I get that, but I think it did mean something.
This morning, she ran in a 5K called “Girls Just Wanna Run” that’s sponsored by our fitness center. It was crazy hot and humid and most of the times weren’t very good. I volunteered as a traffic director out on the course and Ceecee gave me a high five as she came by. It was pretty great.
Then, afterwards, she went to talk to one of the instructors about a zumba class and when he asked if I was her husband, she hesitated for way too long before saying yes. Even so, I was glad to be there with her and for her, but it reminded me of how precarious our situation still is. It’s really agonizing to have all this love that I so desperately want to give her, but she so seldom receives any of it.
Afterward, we went to a couple of used car lots so she could look at cars. She asked me to and, of course, I said I would. We didn’t find anything and it seems that most of the payments are going to be too high for her, so she was pretty discouraged.
We also went into the CARE shelter where they rescue dogs and cats for adoption. She wanted to look at dogs and said if she can just pet them, then it helps her not to want one. Naturally, she found one she wanted and I have to admit, that little dog could steal your heart. I’m really against getting any pets, especially while living in a loft apartment and being gone so much, but that was maybe the only dog that I can imagine actually keeping. Plus, I would do just about anything for my wife right now to make her happy and show her that I care more about her than about myself.
She’s supposed to be having a girl’s night tonight. I wish I was going to be with her, but she needs to have friends and it will be good for her to do something just for fun.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
(I’ve never done this before, but I edited this day’s entry due to the fact that it was so personal and included more than should be shared. Please understand that I only want to inspire others and help them find true love, not to air details that don’t need to be shared.)
Amazing! What a day! Wow, I can’t believe it. Ceecee made lunch for us at the loft and made her turkish martinis (which I thought tasted disgusting, but I didn’t really let on because she was having fun using her new stuff and experimenting). Then we went upstairs and I started to rub her back. She took my hand and moved it and I didn’t need any more help to understand the signal.
We ended up making love for the first time in about 3 months. We didn’t talk about what was going on and I wasn’t about to break the spell. The part that was hilarious was that I was supposed to go to Columbia to cover a story for a local publication. We did talk about that and it became kind of a joke that I should be on the road and if I don’t go soon, I’ll miss the story and I’m ok with that even though this editor will never hire me again.
I did finally go and had to drive like a maniac to get in on the very end of the event, but I got what I needed to be able to write the story. Ceecee wrote on her Facebook that it was a great day off, but of course, she didn’t say anything about me or what we did.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Had a blast last night in Branson. When we got done eating, there was a band getting ready to play on the landing down by the fountain. It was a free 80’s cover show and we stayed and watched. It was a lot of fun for Ceecee especially, because she loves 80’s music.
We went back and crashed at her place, then went to the gym together this morning. I took her to work and then I’ll pick her up at 6 for tapas at her loft. I’m so excited. I think tonight is going to be big in our relationship. God is doing major work in my heart and I want to talk to my wife about some of it.
I went to North Point Church with my friend Adam today and it was really weird. I’m not sure if I liked it or not. It was so different than any church I’ve been to and I was kind of on overload from all the lights, video screens, and loud music. I’d like to go again and see what it’s like when I know what to expect.
I talked to Kevin Holm again today on the phone and we had a really powerful conversation. I don’t remember much of it, but when I got off the phone, I knew what to do. We talked about unconditional love and what that means and how Ceecee needs to have that from me. Now I’m just waiting and watching the clock until I get to see her!
The Restoration Tour 