Monday, July 26, 2010
This day was quite a surprise. I didn’t think we would see each other, but Ceecee wanted to know if I would take her to look at cars again. We did and we ran some errands. We ended up hanging out downtown and playing in the fountains at a park near the loft. She got soaked and I got a bunch of great pictures of her. Then we went for coffee and she just seemed to be really at ease and having fun. p.s. our physical relationship is all the way back on!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
If it wasn’t so pathetic, I’d have thought it was funny this morning. Ceecee called, which totally shocked me. She asked me if I wanted to go to the gym with her and take her to work. Of course I said yes. We didn’t really talk at all, so after I dropped her off at Dillard’s, I was pretty much a wreck.
I went up to two thrift stores on the north side looking for clothes for Macy’s. They have an all black dress code and I don’t have any black clothes to wear to work, so I’ve been hitting the second hand stores. Well, today I was a mess and the lady at one of the stores thought I was homeless. She asked me if I was staying anywhere and if I had a voucher.
I guess it is pretty funny, but it didn’t seem like it at the time. I told Joe on the phone and he didn’t really laugh. I don’t know if he didn’t get it or if he’s just worried about me. He said something on the phone though, that went deep into my spirit. He said “You are exactly what she needs.”
The best part about taking Ceecee to work is that I get to also pick her up afterward. I’m going to surprise her with Chinese take out, but with no expectations. Whatever happens happens. She’s been talking the last few days about maybe not going back to work at the junior high and just staying at Dillard’s. She’s really stressed out about hours.
I can’t really imagine what it will be like if school starts and we’re not together, especially if she does stay working there. I told her that I want her to still work there and that even if we’re not together that I’ll pick her up every morning and take her.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Not gonna lie. I saw last night coming. Yes, we fought again and it was awful, but there’s a difference this time. A couple of differences actually. One is that I came to a realization while I was in Kansas that I still need to change in one area. I need to value myself more.
I realized that if I can’t respect myself more than I do, there’s no way I can ever expect Ceecee to respect me the way she should in a marriage. I’ve been letting her call all the shots. When she calls, I jump. When she wants something, I get it. I don’t mind. In fact, I like doing things for her. It’s just that it’s out of
balance and I realized that I’m worth more.
That’s pretty new for me and pretty revolutionary for me to actually believe it. Part of it comes from my therapy which has really been amazing. Part of it comes from the knowing that I do have something to offer a woman. I guess the simplest way to put it is that I realized that I need to stand up and be the man that I am and Ceecee will either respond and be drawn to it, or she will reject me. Either way, I’m worth more.
The other thing is that I knew this fight would happen. I know this sounds weird, but I have been hearing God’s voice pretty clearly for a while now. Earlier this week, He told me some things that I need to say to my wife. He pretty much dictated to me exactly what to say and then He showed me that she wasn’t going to react well to it.
She’s always been that way. She doesn’t want to be confronted and doesn’t want to be made to talk about things that she doesn’t want to talk about. She gets mad and throws it back in my face, but she does think about it and usually takes it to heart.
What I’ve had to learn to live with and decide in the past is whether it’s worth it to take whatever pain is going to come to me in retribution for the hope that my words will bring about a positive effect after the first reaction has run it’s course. For the longest time, I’ve usually decided that it isn’t and just let everything go. That frustration has been one of the factors that led to the demise of our relationship.
In this case, I know the risk is great. In fact, I know I risked everything last night. I have no idea what she will do because of the things I said, but it could be beyond bad. On the other hand, it needed to be done. I needed to establish that things can’t go on like this forever and that she will need to choose at some point or I won’t always be waiting. I don’t want to face what may happen, but I’m holding on to hope that, as in the past, after the initial anger subsides, she will come to her senses.
She actually said last night that she doesn’t love me. She said it twice and it almost seemed like she was trying to convince herself of it more than she was trying to convince me. It hurt, but I don’t really think it’s true. I do think that we’re going into a dark time and I’m not looking forward to it.
I don’t know how long. I don’t know anything except that I still want her more than I want my own breath. Tonight, I’m at an outdoor concert by myself that we should be at together. It’s downtown on the square and I keep hoping that when she gets off work that she’ll show up. A part of me thinks she will and a part of me wonders if this is the first night of the rest of my life without her.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Went to GNC last night and bought some supplements. Then I had a brilliant idea. Back when we used to live in Dodge City, there were a couple of things we really loved that you can only get in the Mexican stores. One is a cake called tres leches and the other are these marinated steaks. I decided to get them for Ceecee and bring some back as a surprise. The Mexican bakery was out. but I got them to agree to come in early in the morning and make one just for me to take back to Missouri!
This morning, I went and picked up the cake and stopped at a grocery store for some dry ice. I had the steaks and some Mexican candy also. When I got to Ceecee’s loft, she didn’t have the reaction I hoped for. She said I shouldn’t be so nice to her and that she doesn’t deserve it. I told her nonsense and that I did it just because I wanted to. We’re supposed to go out tonight, so hopefully it will be a good night.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Headed out to western Kansas today to take Bri back home and going to spend a night or two at my in-laws’ house. Not sure how I feel about that, but it seems like an opportunity to establish that my wife’s family is still my family and possibly to get some insight into what might be going on. I’ve never been particularly close to her mother, but we get along and she said it would be good to see me, so we’ll see what happens.
I’m going to be on the road most of the day today, get there this evening and probably head back tomorrow. I don’t have any real plans. I think Ceecee talked to her Mom about making meatloaf for me, and if she did, that’s pretty cool. Ceecee hates meatloaf, but I love it, so we never eat it, but she said something about maybe her Mom would make it.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Ceecee agreed to go with Brianna and me to spend the day in St. Louis today. Bri was worried that we would be fighting, but I told her it’s not like that. We went to the zoo and had a blast. It’s still really hot, but there are a bunch of indoor parts of the St. Louis Zoo, so we tried to stay cool. Then Ceecee and Brianna went into this fountain that you can get under like a waterfall and I took pictures. They both got completely soaked and I got some great pics.
We went to lunch at Guido’s on the Hill and had an unbelievably good time. We sat outside and ate lunch and talked and laughed for the longest time. We told stories about the past and I noticed that for the first time since our separation, Ceecee talked about happy memories of our past. For a long time now, she only talks about the bad things that have happened, but today, something changed. It was like she remembered that we’ve had a good life together.
When we got back to her place and we went in to help carry in the groceries she bought at the Hill, she kissed me goodbye. I was totally shocked, but I tried not to show it. It wasn’t much of a kiss, just a tiny peck, but she initiated it and seemed totally comfortable with it in front of Bri.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Today was just one of those days that got to me. I’m spending time with Brianna which is good, but I’ve had no communication with Ceecee, which is frustrating. I went to the gym tonight and just felt so alone. I tried to work out, but I couldn’t. I went in to one of the showers, turned the water up high and just sobbed. I was kind of afraid that someone would hear me, but I didn’t figure they could over the water.
I spent more time in prayer and came to a terribly painful place, but I know it’s the right place to be. I made the choice to let Ceecee go. Not to stop pursuing her or trying to win her back, but to let her make her choice. I don’t know what her plans are, or what’s going on in her heart and life, but I know that if she isn’t with me, she’ll have no problem finding someone else.
She could easily find someone younger, more attractive, and who makes more money than me. I’ve told her that. She just brushes it off, but she did say that I should be glad that she’s getting pretty good at saying no, because she gets hit on by guys all the time at work. She also tells me about guys who are trying to pick her up and how she doesn’t want that. I’m not sure why she tells me these things, but I just let her.
Anyway, I turned her over to God in my heart while I was praying. I told God – and meant it – that if I was never going to be able to make her happy and be the man she needs, that I would rather live without her and have her be happy with someone else.
Monday, July 19, 2010
My daughter from western Kansas is here visiting. We haven’t gotten to spend much time together in the last several years, and this is really weird that she’s here right now while I’m trying to pursue Ceecee, but I need to focus on her some also. God told me to work things out with her, so I’m going to have to balance time with her and trying to fix my marriage.
We’re still having the heat wave, so triathlon training and helping Taylor get ready for the air force have been really tough. I take him out running and he’s been going to the gym with one of his friends. I’ve got a bike session with my group tonight and I’m not looking forward to it.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I went back to North Point Church again this weekend. It was amazing! I wasn’t freaked out by everything, so I could just allow myself to be part of it and something just broke inside me. I found myself crying and letting God’s grace just wash over me. There was an anointing in there like I’m not sure I’ve felt before.
I went and talked to my parents about what’s going on and it was tough. They handled it real well. Didn’t say much and only asked a few questions. I still told it in a positive light as though it’s all going to work out because I believe it will. Even so, my wife deserves the respect and honor of me telling the truth and letting people know why we’re apart.
Last night, Ceecee’s girls’ night kind of fell through and we ended up going out for a while downtown. It wasn’t a great time and she was bummed because of her friends, but I was glad to be there and kind of salvage something from it.
We actually went back to the dog place and that dog was already adopted. Ceecee was really disappointed. I was kind of relieved, but I also felt bad for her. I could actually see how us getting that dog together could have had implications of us having a future together.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
It’s been kind of awkward since Thursday. We talked on the phone later and she said she felt like a piece of trash because we weren’t actually together when we did what we did. I told her that we were still married even though we weren’t living together and that I thought it was entirely appropriate and that God was delighted that we did it.
She has been a little distant, though. I dont’ know if it scared her, or what. It seems like now she’s going out of her way to make sure she communicates that nothing has changed and we’re still separated. I get that, but I think it did mean something.
This morning, she ran in a 5K called “Girls Just Wanna Run” that’s sponsored by our fitness center. It was crazy hot and humid and most of the times weren’t very good. I volunteered as a traffic director out on the course and Ceecee gave me a high five as she came by. It was pretty great.
Then, afterwards, she went to talk to one of the instructors about a zumba class and when he asked if I was her husband, she hesitated for way too long before saying yes. Even so, I was glad to be there with her and for her, but it reminded me of how precarious our situation still is. It’s really agonizing to have all this love that I so desperately want to give her, but she so seldom receives any of it.
Afterward, we went to a couple of used car lots so she could look at cars. She asked me to and, of course, I said I would. We didn’t find anything and it seems that most of the payments are going to be too high for her, so she was pretty discouraged.
We also went into the CARE shelter where they rescue dogs and cats for adoption. She wanted to look at dogs and said if she can just pet them, then it helps her not to want one. Naturally, she found one she wanted and I have to admit, that little dog could steal your heart. I’m really against getting any pets, especially while living in a loft apartment and being gone so much, but that was maybe the only dog that I can imagine actually keeping. Plus, I would do just about anything for my wife right now to make her happy and show her that I care more about her than about myself.
She’s supposed to be having a girl’s night tonight. I wish I was going to be with her, but she needs to have friends and it will be good for her to do something just for fun.
The Restoration Tour 