Posts Tagged ‘heart’

Day T-126 and counting…

Posted: June 1, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Friday, April 2, 2010

We do this thing called “family night” on Friday nights. Well, not every Friday, but pretty often. We got the idea from this other family at church and we just kind of stole it. We make homemade pizza and watch a movie on DVD.

When the kids still lived at home, it was more of a big deal, but now that only Taylor is here, we try to get Angie, our married daughter, and her husband to come over, or we let Taylor invite one of his friends, even though that isn’t really “family.” Each person gets a ball of dough to make a crust and they put their own toppings on. Then we eat them while watching a family appropriate movie. That brings some groans from the kids sometimes, because they say the movies are boring, but we figure if it’s going to be family night, we need to keep it family themed.

Anyway, it just didn’t feel right tonight. Ceecee and I sat together on the “mushroom.” It’s this weird couch/loveseat thing that said “mushroom” on the tag when we bought it, so that’s what we’ve always called it. The kids sprawled around the living room like usual, but Ceecee was texting or something on her phone on seemed distant. I asked her who she was talking to, but she didn’t want to tell me, and she seemed irritated by me in general. I can’t help wondering what’s happened to our marriage.

Day T-128 and counting…

Posted: May 31, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Wednesday, March 31. 2010

I’m really starting to get concerned. Ceecee goes through phases where she’s upset for a while, but it usually only lasts a couple of days and everything goes back to normal. This has been going on for quite a bit longer and she doesn’t seem to be snapping out of it. I don’t know what to do. When Taylor comes home, a lot of the time he asks, “Is Mom in a bad mood today?” If the answer is yes, he pretty much hides out in his room. He’s been spending a lot of time there lately.

Day T-130 and counting…

Posted: May 29, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Monday, March 29, 2010

Rough day today. Ceecee is angry at the world, it seems. Taylor and I are tiptoeing around trying not to get in her way. Taylor is her son from a previous relationship, so he’s my stepson. He lives with us and is in his senior year in high school. Ceecee really hates her job right now, so I suppose that’s where her frustration is coming from. She’s a paraprofessional at the same junior high school where I teach. That’s a fancy word for a teacher’s aide, and she works with the behavior disordered special ed. kids. The worst of the worst. That would wear on anyone, I suppose, and she hardly gets paid anything.

I teach math and am pretty happy with my job overall. I’ve been teaching for 14 years and I really like it on most days. Not too many people are really in the career of their choosing, doing what they enjoy, so I feel blessed. I wish I could figure out what makes my wife so angry, but we’ve been through this before, so I’m sure it will pass. She’s going to Zumba with one of her girlfriends in a little while and that usually cheers her up.

Day T-131 and counting…

Posted: May 28, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Sunday, March 28, 2010

I took Ceecee to The Starting Block, a store for tri-athletes today. She is really excited about all this and wants to start training for what she calls “mini” triathlons. I don’t know what that means, but I support her and I bought her an expensive swimsuit to race in.

For some reason, she seems to have turned somewhat cold toward me in general. I know that work isn’t going well for her and she’s frustrated, but things at home are different.

It came on all of a sudden. We went to a resort in Branson over spring break called The Falls and it was supposed to be a really great time together, but it wasn’t quite what I expected. We had fun, but something just wasn’t right. Then, after we got back home, she just seemed to get angry and turn cold. I don’t know what I did, if anything, and she won’t talk about it. She just says she’s fine, but I know when a woman says that, it’s never that simple.

3 Months Earlier – Day T-132 and counting…the real beginning

Posted: May 27, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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3 months earlier

Saturday, March 27, 2010

I’ve never been more proud of my wife than I was this morning. She ran a half marathon called the Frisco Line Run for Scouting today. It was her first ever half marathon and her longest distance run like this of any kind. It was amazing!

I showed up to watch and support her and I couldn’t believe all the different kinds of people. There were young, old, fat, thin, you name it, they were there. And what struck me was – they were all doing it. It really convicted and inspired me all at the same time. I wasn’t doing anything and haven’t been for a long time. I couldn’t help feeling rather pathetic as I saw all these people out here on a cold, windy day running 13.1 miles while I stood and watched.

Back when Ceecee and I first met, I was a fitness instructor at the local community college. We actually met somewhere else, but she enrolled in a fitness class and that was when we started getting to know each other. During the early part of our marriage, fitness was always a big part of our lives. Over the years, she kept up with running and staying active, but I turned into a lazy couch potato and didn’t even really think much about it. Until today, that is.

Suddenly, today, I realized how sorry I had become and vowed to change. When I saw all these people crossing the finish line, I knew I had to get off the couch and start getting back in shape. When I saw Ceecee a few hundred yards out, my heart just surged. I’ve never felt such pride for her and I couldn’t stop smiling for a lot of the day. The whole thing inspired me beyond belief.

Introduction

Posted: May 26, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Friday, June 25, 2010

My stepson is sitting beside me as I simultaneously force myself to wear the brave face and quell the overwhelming desire to break down and cry. I can’t believe I am doing this. Right now, I am driving the truck that contains all of my precious wife’s belongings that will go with her to her new apartment. Yes, I am helping her leave me.

Early this morning, we went and picked up the keys to her new place and she was excited. I was devastated, but she didn’t seem to get that. We’ve been married for about thirteen and a half years and I still have no idea how it came to this. Well, actually I do, but I’m still struggling with that. Yes, I messed up, and yes, I hurt her, but that was a long time ago. Why this? Why now?

She finally caught that I was upset and told me not to be. She said I should be happy for her and that she wants to celebrate. I knew she wanted to celebrate, but I couldn’t imagine what that would have to do with me. I said something to that effect and she told me that she wanted us to share the Champagne and strawberries together. That made me feel a little better, but it also confused me to no end. Why are we doing this? She says she needs time. She says she needs space. She says she needs to find herself and figure out what she wants.

I’m not stupid. I know that’s the kind of thing women say when they are having an affair, but that can’t be what’s happening here. Ceecee and I spend almost all of our time together, so she can’t be seeing anyone. I would know. Besides, she promised me years ago that would never happen and I believe her.

Anyway, we went and got the truck, loaded all her things, and now we’re getting close to the parking lot of her apartment building. How can I do this? Why am I doing this? Who helps his wife leave him? A guy who is crazy in love with her and has had his heart radically changed, I guess. That’s me. The guy who loves her more than his own life and would do anything for her.

“Don’t Fix It, Sell It” is the problem, not the solution

Posted: May 20, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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I’m not sure if they are nationwide, but if you live anywhere in my part of the country, I’m sure you’ve seen those “We buy ugly houses” billboards. They offer quick cash (at very low value) for houses that are fixer uppers, or for people looking for a very fast sale.

Yesterday, I passed one of their billboards that said across the top, “Don’t fix it, sell it.” I couldn’t help thinking how that very attitude is such a large part of the problem we have with so many aspects of our modern American culture.

We’ve become such a throw away society. We buy inexpensive, low quality goods and just replace them when they wear out or break. There’s no reason to value them.

We do the same thing with our relationships – even our marriages. We fall in love, we promise forever, and then we toss it away when it doesn’t make us happy.

“Don’t fix it, sell it” implies that it isn’t worth fixing. That it will take too much work. It will be too difficult. It will take too long.

Just get out and find a new place is the message. Except that nothing other than the physical address will have changed.

Because if you didn’t value the home you had enough to maintain it and to fix what needed fixing, you won’t value the next one either. You’re not solving any problems, you’re just creating a cycle that doesn’t change.

The problem with ending your marriage when it isn’t going well is that you bring the same issues and even more baggage to the next one. You can find another person to take the place of your former spouse, but when you look in the mirror, the same person’s still looking back at you.

So don’t sell it – fix it! When you do, a lot of good things happen.

First of all, you value that person you pledged your life to enough to say, “I’ll do whatever it takes to make this right.” That will bring about a change in the other person, although it may take a while.

Secondly, the time and effort you put into fixing your marriage translates into a much higher level of committment in the future. Easy come, easy go, but when your blood, sweat, and tears have built the house, you don’t just walk away.

Third, and most importantly, you change yourself. You learn to stay and work instead of cutting and running. You break the destructive, “things are never going to change” cycle.

All of these things together add up to both of you getting what you’ve always wanted in the end. This is not a pipe dream, it’s the truth.

If you don’t know how to do this, there are plenty of us who do and will be more than happy to show you the way. Don’t sell it, because you’ll be selling yourself short. Fix it instead. Write me at therestorationtour@gmail.com

Childlike, Not Childish

Posted: March 26, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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My wife and I recently returned from a trip to Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida.  We spent three days there, mainly in The Wizarding World of Harry Potter theme park.

While I certainly had no objection to going, it wasn’t me who was motivated to plan and save for this vacation.  Ceecee is a Harry Potter fanatic, and had been excited about this since the day she heard that such a place was being built.

The truth is, my wife is a kid at heart.  She loves to play, and she still experiences the wonder that adults often lose sight of.  Her eyes get wide in toy and candy stores, she loves going to the zoo, blowing bubbles, watching Disney movies, and lots of other things that most people her age have long since given up and forgotten.

It would be easy to look down on that, and some people do.  They don’t always think Ceecee is “acting her age.”

There’s a big difference between being childlike and childish, however.  My wife is not childish.  To be that would mean that she was immature and self-centered.

A person who is childlike can still see the world through the eyes of wonder.  A childlike soul isn’t so jaded that the negative aspects of life have snuffed out the simple joy of living.

Now, before you go thinking she is naive because she’s had it easy, let me assure you that nothing could be farther from the truth.  Not too many people would trade childhoods with her, if they knew what she’d been through.  Her adult life has been no picnic either.  In fact, I dare say that I’ve never known anyone who has overcome as much as she has, and is as healthy and well-adjusted as she is.

Jesus extolled the virtue of becoming like a child.  It’s the idea that you still believe in hopes and dreams, and life still holds excitement and promise, even in little things. As much as life has tried to rob her of her innocence, she stubbornly refuses to let go.

Seeing her face and getting to experience the excitement of Universal Studios with her was a highlight.  She’s already planning our next adventure, and I’ll be blessed to be part of it as well.

Transparency In a Marriage

Posted: March 8, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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My wife just finished reading a historical novel called, “The Paris Wife,” by Paula McLain.  It tells the story of Ernest Hemingway’s first wife, and it’s a tale of a marriage doomed by Hemingway’s insatiable lust and infidelities.  In it, there is speculation that he may have been financially supporting a lover at one time during his first marriage.

The reason I bring this up is that the lack of honesty and transparency in their relationship was what made that situation possible.  When Ceecee was telling me about the book, it was that story in particular that caught my attention.  I thought of the way our marriage is today compared to the way it was a few years ago.

Today, each of us has full access to the other’s email, Facebook, and cell phone.  We are both on all of the bank accounts and we share checkbooks and debit cards.  We know each other’s passwords and there is an understanding that either of us can look through the other’s phone any time for any reason.

This might sound like we don’t trust each other.  In fact, nothing could be further from the truth.  It’s because we do trust each other that this works.  It’s also because of what we previously lost and had to regain that we chose to implement these measures into our relationship.

A few years ago, we had our secrets.  Secrets around birthdays and holidays are fine, but emails, texts, and other communications with people of the opposite sex that are intentionally kept confidential can be quite destructive indeed.  Both of us dabbled in the virtual world, and while I’m sure we never intended it to cross over into reality, it opened the door for much of what caused our separation.

Because of where we’ve been and where we are now, we are both extremely protective of the love that we have.  These “security” measures are not designed as a means of checking up on each other, but as a protection from ever opening that door, even a crack, again.

Just recently, I was in my wife’s Facebook, updating some information in her timeline for her.  It never even crossed my mind to open her messages and see who she’s been talking to.  We do trust each other, and we show that trust by saying, “Here is everything, open and available for you to see.  I have nothing to hide, and I want you to know that.”

Flirting: Is It Just Harmless Fun?

Posted: March 7, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Is there any harm in flirting or is it all just harmless fun?  If you’re married, it depends. 

Flirting with your spouse is not only fun, it’s a highly recommended way to increase the romance and intimacy in your relationship and keep things from getting stale.  Flirting with anyone other than your spouse is an absolute no.  As in, it’s never ok.

Some of you won’t like that, but I’m not trying to make friends here.  I’m trying to save, heal, and restore marriages, and that requires some straight talk.  Just because something is passed off as “normal” doesn’t make it right, and saying “everybody does it” is not only a cop-out, it isn’t even true.

The question you should be asking is, “How does my spouse feel about it?”  More pointedly, “How would my spouse feel if he or she could see me right now flirting with someone else?”   The reason I ask that second question is that people in relationships that are less than what they should be often don’t tell the truth, even to each other.  It’s not uncommon for someone to say, “My wife/husband doesn’t care if I flirt,” when the truth is, there isn’t enough trust or intimacy there for the other person to feel that he or she can tell the truth about how it makes him or her feel.

The bottom line is, you can either love your spouse the way he or she was meant to be loved, or you can be selfish and not experience the type of fulfillment that a great marriage brings.  You really can’t have it both ways.

If you want a happy, fulfilling marriage, your actions – all of them – have to be motivated by love.  Love is something you make.  Love is something you do, and if you do it right, your spouse will know that there is no one else on your mind or in your heart.  A person with that level of security will open up and show you the kind of love in return that makes playing games with anyone else utterly unappealing.

Does a little “harmless” flirting hurt anything?  You bet it does.  It hurts the one you’re supposed to love, and it hurts yourself by working against the very thing you should want the most; a marriage characterized by closeness and outward expressions of love for one another.

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