Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

Where are the heroes?

Posted: February 13, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Les Miserables is undeniably one of the great stories of our time and today I was considering the juxtaposition of its message with a recent conversation I had.  The more I thought about it, the more I couldn’t help but be inspired to write.

I couldn’t help wondering why honor is so absent from our society today, especially among men.  Who sold us a bill of goods that said “Live for yourself.  Look out for number one.  Get what you can.”  That’s the way to live life?  I couldn’t disagree more.

I’ll never forget a story I heard as a teen in which a woman was sharing how she and her husband had reconciled after he had had an affair.  She described the pain she felt, lying next to him in bed at night and thinking about what he had done.  She told how she knew she could have left him and been justified in doing so.

But then she said that God showed her that while divorcing him would have been permissible, it wouldn’t have been the most honorable thing.  She chose to stay.  She chose to face her fears, her uncertainty, her pain, and she chose to take the risk for something higher than her feelings, her needs, or what she wanted.

In Les Miserables, the story is a picture of the law and grace, judgement and mercy.  The Bible tells us that mercy triumphs over judgement.  Main character Jean Valjean receives both mercy (not getting what he deserves) and grace (getting what he doesn’t deserve) and goes on to become a giver of both.  Time and again, he has the opportunity to set honor aside and do what would be best for him, but he won’t.  He lives by a different standard, because he was ransomed and redeemed and he is bound by a higher law.

It’s a powerful story of self-sacrifice.  Of living for others rather than self.  And I can’t help but wonder.  Where are all the men today who would risk it all to give of themselves, rather than taking?  Where are the men who would put honor above their pride, and would use what they’ve been given to be what someone else needs?  Where are the heroes?

There’s something more meaningful than success.  There’s something more powerful than winning.  There’s something stronger than justification.

That something is love.  Not the “love” of the pop culture variety.  Not the “if it makes me feel good, if it meets my needs, if it makes me happy, if I’m being fulfilled, etc. etc. gag me please.  Not that selfish, me, me, me attitude that has nothing to do with love.

Real love gives. Real love sacrifices.  Real love doesn’t take.  Real love says others are more important than me and true success is when I can give myself away without asking for anything in return purely for another person’s benefit.

The stories of great love and sacrifice throughout the ages ring true because they get at the heart of what life is really all about and way down inside, no matter how much we bury it or deny it, we know it.

So the choice is, run from it or embrace it.  What will you do with what you’ve been given?

Where are the heroes?

My Valentine’s “Official Notice”

Posted: February 11, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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This one’s extremely personal, but if I didn’t want everyone to read it, I wouldn’t be posting it on The Restoration Tour.  It’s also getting close to Valentine’s Day and that’s a stressor for some of you, so let me jump in and share some thoughts.

Last year’s Valentine’s Day was pretty over the top by normal standards, but since it was the year of the restoration tour, it was destined to be an all out celebration of romance and love.  (For more on that, see the posts “Lucky February 13” and “Lucky February 13, part 2,” dated July 22 and 23, 2011)  This year, it will be a lower budget, slimmed down celebration, but love will still be front and center, and the romance will be all about knowing my wife’s heart.

We’ve learned that giving doesn’t just mean buying something, and that gifts don’t always come from stores.  They come from really knowing the other person and intentionally doing what would mean the most.  That can involve using any of the Five Love Languages (see Gary Chapman’s excellent book for more on that), and it mostly means caring enough to pick up on the little clues and following through on what your true love wants and needs.

If you’re not creative, just go online and search “Valentine’s Day ideas” and you’ll be amazed at how much great stuff you’ll find.  Then tailor the ideas that appeal to you according to your level of comfort and what would really mean something to the one you love.  Make them personal, make them genuine, and don’t be afraid to have fun.

Below is the text of the “Official Notice” I wrote to Ceecee last year.  I got up during the night and left it to look as though it had been slipped under our door.  The idea came from the web.*  I just wrote my own words.

OFFICIAL NOTICE

You are herby notified of the following action:

In the matter of the marriage of C(full name omitted) and B(full name omitted)

To wit:  That by virtue of your indescribable beauty, wonderful spirit and personality, and pure and precious heart, that I (hereinafter referred to as your loving husband) am bound to you in love forever

And whereas you have stolen my heart by the ways you look at me

And whereas you have entrapped my heart with the way you treat me

And whereas you have captured my heart with the words you say to me

And whereas you have entwined my heart with cords of love by your touch

And whereas you have set my heart on fire with your kiss

And whereas you have brought joy to my soul with your smile

And whereas you have fulfilled my longings. satisfied my soul, and made my dreams come true

And whereas you have made me laugh more freely, love more deeply, feel more fully, and be more alive than any person ever could

I hereby serve this official notice upon you that I will love you with all that I am, body, soul, and spirit, from this day forward, and will make it my life’s goal to have the same effect on your heart and soul and life that you have had on mine, and to be the man who will demonstrate the meaning of love to you always.

Subscribed and sworn before you on this 14th day of February, 2011

My commission never expires

Signature omitted

* I think the idea for the official notice came from Michael Webb, but even if it didn’t, his website www.theromantic.com is a great place to get ebooks, sign up for tips via email, and get plenty of great ideas, not only for Valentine’s Day, but for a lifetime of love.

Believing In Six Impossible Things

Posted: February 6, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Six months ago today, Ceecee and I threw a Mad Hatter’s tea party to renew our vows.  It was a beautiful day of laughter and love.  There were silly costumes, in-town and out-of-town guests, pictures, and memories that we will treasure for the rest of our lives.

If you know the relatively new Alice In Wonderland (where Johnny Depp plays the Mad Hatter), you are familiar with the idea of believing in six impossible things before breakfast.  I wanted to incorporate that into our ceremony, so here was my list:

1.  I believe that two can become one

2.  I believe that we must die in order to truly live

3.  I believe that in loss we can find great gain

4.  I believe that we can forgive and forget

5.  I believe that love is stronger than death

6.  I believe that somehow, out of all the men on this planet, Ceecee chose to love me

We wrote our own vows, and I didn’t know what to write, so I borrowed extensively from the apostle Paul, who penned 1 Corinthians Chapter 13, commonly referred to as “The love chapter.”  In it, love is defined, not by man’s terms, but by the One who created love, and whose idea marriage was and is.

I have been asked to share my vows on this blog, and I previously thought they were too personal and meant only for my wife, but over time, I realize that far too few people are experiencing love the way it was meant to be.  It is my hope and prayer that all who read these words will find inspiration.  Here is my best rendition of what I said that day:

Love is patient – I will not pressure or rush you.  I will give you the time you need to be the person you want to be.

Love is kind – I will spend a lifetime showing you my love through acts of kindness.  I will never intentionally hurt you.

Love does not envy – I will gladly stand in the shadows while you stand in the spotlight.  I will build you up in everything.

Love is not prideful – I will admit when I am wrong and never treat you as though you are inferior.  I will not be stubborn with you, but I will truly listen to you with my ears and my heart.

Love is not rude – I will not stoop to talking harshly or being critical of you.  I will never disregard you or dismiss you and I will honor you in front of others.

Love is not self seeking – I will not put myself or my needs above yours.  I will give you the first and the best of all that I am.

Love keeps no record of wrongs – no matter what either of us has done or has happened in the past, we have started anew and our love will not contain any leftover guilt, resentment, hurt, or any negative part of our past.

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.

I will always protect you, always trust in you, always keep my hopes high, and never give up on us.  This love cannot fail.  It is forever.

A Fair Question: Why Would God care?

Posted: August 28, 2011 in Love and Marriage
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Throughout this blog, I have attempted, as honestly and truthfully as possible, to tell the story of how my marriage reached its apparent end and was then restored.  I have made many claims about God and His help throughout and now I would like to attempt to answer the question, “Why would God care?”  It’s a fair question, and one that deserves an answer.

After all, if God is the all-powerful, all-knowing deity that we think Him to be, why should He turn His attention to the marriage of two totally obscure individuals and work in miraculous fashion to save and heal their marriage?  It’s too much of a pat answer to say “It’s because He loves us.”  He does, but let’s get real here.  People are dying of hunger and disease all over the world today and everyday.  Dictators still deny entire people groups their human rights and natural disasters wreak death and destruction on a grand scale on a regular basis.

God would seem to have a lot on his plate, and if Ceecee and I had divorced, only a handful of people would have been directly affected, so what are we to conclude here?  First of all, it’s not my place to attempt to speak for how God does or doesn’t respond to all the evil in this world.  I don’t know why some prayers get answered and some don’t.  I do know that it would seem to many people that He could have been spending His time working on more important things than our marriage.

I would suggest, however, that taking such a position is to take a very narrow view of God.  If He is, in fact, all-powerful and all-knowing, then He can give His attention to as many things at a time as He needs to without losing sight of any of them.  He also has enough strength to deal with any and every problem that He chooses to with no possibility of over-extending Himself.  In other words, saving my marriage and changing my life didn’t take Him away from anything else that He needed to be doing.

Now, let’s cut to the chase and talk about God’s plan.  His plan, from before the foundation of the earth, was to reveal Himself through mankind, who He created in His own image.  Even at the time of the fall of man in the Garden of Eden, He had a plan to restore all things.  He knew, even then, that His son, Jesus Christ, would one day come to earth to die on a cross for the sins of all mankind.  And He knew that one day, at the end of time, a great celebration would take place which the Bible calls “the marriage supper of the lamb,” or, in another translation, “the banquet at the wedding celebration of the Lamb.”

What God wants and what we imagine He should be concerned about are often two very different things.  God sent his His son into the world to save and redeem people who were cut off from, and separated from His love.  His primary concern is the condition of people’s eternal souls, and His primary work on earth is now being accomplished by people through whom He is attempting to reveal Himself.  He uses people to show His love and plan, so that others can come to Him and receive His love and forgiveness.

In chapter 5 of the book of Ephesians, there is a little understood verse that speaks right to the heart of not only this post, but this entire blog.  In the context, it is talking about how husbands and wives should treat each other, and the statement is made that they should love each other the same way that Christ loves.  Just as the writer is concluding these thoughts, he writes, “This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.” (verse 32)  Right in the context of talking about marriage and husbands and wives, he says he is really talking about Christ and the church.

Why does God care enough about my marriage to intervene in mighty ways when I called on Him in my time of need?  Because marriage was His plan, not mine.  God thought up the idea of love and marriage and happily ever after, not people.  God wants marriages between husbands and wives who truly love each other to show the world not only what real love is from a human perspective, but to show the world what kind of love He wants to share with the people He created and loves so deeply.  He wants people to see that true love never fails and that He will never abandon, forsake, or reject those He loves.

Moonlight Restoration

Posted: August 21, 2011 in Love and Marriage
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Just because a calendar year went by doesn’t mean that everything that was ever to be completed as part of the restoration tour came to pass.  Like it is with a house, you’re never actually finished restoring it, because there will always be more that needs to be done.  You will always find things that you overlooked or that need your attention from time to time.  So it was yesterday.

Last night was the annual Moonlight Ride, a bike ride for Springfield’s Discovery Center.  Last August, it was the first organized ride that my wife and I had ever been in.  We had only started cycling in May of that year, when I got Ceecee her first road bike for her birthday.  The moonlight ride is a seven mile untimed ride that has groupings for advanced riders, leisure riders, and families with small children.  As beginners, we thought it would be fun to participate in something that wouldn’t be intimidating.

Unfortunately, earlier in the day of last year’s ride, we hit one of those bumps in the road that came with the early days of being back together.  We had been living together again for almost three weeks and we were very happy to be restoring our marriage, but we were still dealing with a lot of the junk that went along with having previously split up.  On this particular day, we had met for lunch at the mall (we were both still working our second jobs – Ceecee at Dillards and me at Macy’s) and the conversation had gone down a painful road.  We were both upset as we went back to work and it seemed that the ride wasn’t going to happen for us that evening.

She got off work earlier than I did, and when I called her, she was still angry about the way I had spoken to her and the things I had said at lunch.  I’m not sure how it ended up working out, but by the time I was off work, she had bought me a new headlight for my bike and gone and registered both of us for the ride.  All I had to do was change my clothes and grab my bike.  I was relieved and grateful, and we really enjoyed the ride.

Yesterday morning, as we were out running errands and I was thinking about the evening’s ride, I remembered all this.  Yes, August 6th came and went, and yes, the restoration tour concluded on that day as scheduled.  Beyond that, I saw an opportunity to add another to the list of restored memories.  Will there be more?  Maybe.  Will we ever stop working hard at love to make sure we never reach a place like that again?  Not as long as I live and breathe!

A Grand Re-Opening Of Sorts

Posted: August 7, 2011 in Love and Marriage
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Waking up this morning after having our “wedding” last night was actually a bit bizarre.  Not in a bad way.  As the fog of sleep began to wear away, and thoughts began to emerge, I felt a deep sense of joy and contentment.  It was just weird to be waking up in our own house in our own bed like any normal day.

Of course, we already took the honeymoon last week, so here we are, with everything new, and everything the same as well.  It feels wonderful, and there’s definitely a tingle in the air, but not having anywhere to go, or anything specific that comes next is a little bit strange after a year of being so focused on this.

Please don’t get me wrong.  We had a wonderful week at Big Cedar, and our vow renewal ceremony was joyous and fun and everything we dreamed of.  The last 6 days have been some of the most amazing and fulfilling I’ve ever experienced.

The heat wave kept us either in our room (which is an extremely nice place to be kept, thank you very much), or at the pools and lazy river for most of our honeymoon.  Triple digit temperatures and Missouri humidity don’t exactly encourage outside activity, but fortunately, there’s plenty of water to get into at the resort, and we did.  We got much more sun-tanned there in 5 days than we did during a week in California.

Yesterday morning, we were up at 4:30 AM for the Tour de Cox, an annual 62 mile (100km) bike ride.  The clouds kept the temperature reasonable, and we really enjoyed the ride.  We finished up a little before noon after getting started about 6, so we had a few hours to rest and recover before the ceremony.  Out of town company was arriving throughout the day, and most of the afternoon was a blur.

My wife wore her orange “poofy” dress (no other way to describe it) with lots of fun pink and orange accessories, and I dressed as the Mad Hatter.  We ordered the actual hat online, but nothing else was authentic.  It was a Mad Hatter/Alice in Wonderland theme, but we did it in our own unique way.

Late in the afternoon, we took casual pictures in the park, then had the reception before the ceremony as the guests began to arrive.  It was meant to keep it from having a stuffy, formal, traditional wedding feel and allow everyone to relax, loosen up, and enjoy themselves.  Interestingly enough, there had been a wedding at the same park earlier in the day, and it seemed that it had been very formal and probably quite expensive.  While I certainly wish that couple well, we had several people tell us that ours was the best and most fun wedding they had ever gone to.

For the ceremony itself, we simply had a few songs played that were meaningful to us (we tried to dance, but couldn’t manage to keep from stepping all over my wife’s dress, so we had to cut that mercifully short), had three people (our oldest daughter and two close friends) say a few words, and then we stood and said our vows, which we wrote ourselves, to each other.

Oh….yeah…. and then I did the futterwacken dance from the new Tim Burton Alice In Wonderland movie, much to everyone’s shock and delight!  My wife said some special “thank you’s” and handed out roses to some of the guests and then we hung around with everyone for a little while.  It was pretty much perfect, and it was so amazing to have envisioned this day a year before and then see it come to pass.

I have a few surprises left for the blog, so if you are thinking this is the last entry, you’re not quite correct.  The main one is that we’ve decided to drop the anonymity and some of the secrecy now that the ceremony is over.  I am going to go back through the posts and add some pictures and reveal some more of who we really are that has been missing up to now.  I also have some other thoughts, but you’ll have to wait and see on those…  For now, thank you so much for reading and sharing – it means more than you know!

To Love and To Cherish ‘Til Death Do Us Part

Posted: August 5, 2011 in Love and Marriage
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Really, I don’t know what more there is to say about this one beyond what it already says.  I mean, do it.  Love and cherish your spouse all the while you have breath.  I didn’t and I lost it all.  I started doing it, and I got it all back and gained more than I’d ever had before.

Now, here’s the key.  You don’t love and cherish on your terms.  You have to be willing to find out how he or she wants and needs to be loved, and what will make him or her FEEL cherished.  It’s not nearly enough to say to yourself, “He knows,” or “She knows how I feel about her.”  She doesn’t.  You have to tell her and show her over and over again.  If you love the person you’re married to, you need to express that love in tangible ways.  He won’t know that you cherish him unless you show it by your actions.

The truth is, this vow really means, “I will never take you for granted.”  That is the opposite of cherishing.  Your spouse needs to be the most important and most special person in your life, and if that isn’t the case, you need to change and make it so.  It’s that simple.

Finally, it’s for life.  Not just during the courtship.  Not until you have him/her.  Not until after the honeymoon.  Not until the newness wears off.  Not as long as it’s making you happy.  Till death.  That means forever.

Tomorrow is our vow renewal ceremony and I probably won’t blog tomorrow.  The three months is up and the restoration is finished.  I won’t just leave you like this, though.  I will come back and let you know how it went.  After that, who knows.  Thank you for taking this journey with me, and I hope that it serves as an inspiration to many people and couples.  What would mean the very most to me would be to find out that through this blog, a marriage was saved or healed.  May God bless all who read the words of this story.

In Sickness And In Health

Posted: August 4, 2011 in Love and Marriage
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Unless you go into your marriage with a pre-existing condition, most people just assume that they will spend most of their marriage in health.  Sure, you know that there will be colds and coughs, but that can be easily dismissed as nothing to worry about, and you believe that your sweetheart will surely be there to take tender care of you when you don’t feel well.

The reality is, sickness, on some level, ends up being a part of pretty much everyone’s life, and it isn’t usually as romantic as we make it out to be.  When both people work, and especially when there are young children in the home, sickness is, at best, a major interruption in the flow of things and, at worst, a threat to all that you are building in your marriage and family.  Minor illnesses still mean that someone has to pick up the slack and can represent a loss of income on some level.

If you’re not the one who is sick, you can’t let resentment of the extra hassle or worry about the effect on your spouse’s paycheck keep you from putting his or her needs first.  It’s not your partner’s fault he or she is sick, and that person really needs your love and caring.  After all, when we commit to marriage, isn’t that what we expect?  That our spouse will love us and care for us when we are the one with a need?

I’ll always appreciate the way my wife stayed strong and supportive when we went through a bad scare one night.  I have a heart murmur and I developed an arrhythmia one afternoon.  I went to have it checked and ended up being rushed by ambulance to a cardiology unit in another city a few hours later.   She was there for me, even though I’m sure she was scared, and she didn’t allow me to have to worry about how she was handling things.  She put her own concerns aside and showed true love in sickness.

Naturally, sickness isn’t always that dramatic, and many couples won’t have to face nights in the hospital until much later in life.  During any kind of sickness, you have an opportunity to show real love by being a comfort and strength to the one you love.  Something as simple as doing the chores that your spouse would normally do is a real blessing.  A bowl of soup, a movie in the DVD player, and letting your husband or wife know that you’ll take care of everything speaks volumes about your love

For Richer or Poorer

Posted: August 3, 2011 in Love and Marriage
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Singleness, especially in the case of women, is often equated with being broke.  It’s tough to make it on your own, and that’s one of the reason so many singles turn to roommates and other such arrangements – to help pay the bills.  For richer or poorer deals with your standard of living.  What will it be as a married couple?  Will you be better off than you were when you were single, or will you struggle?

In many cases, putting your resources together will help your financial outlook, at least in the short-term.  You now only have one home to pay for, and you are sharing utilities.  You are also usually at an upwardly mobile stage of your life, so you will see increases in your income as time goes by.

The flip side of that is that, after marriage, kids have a tendency to not be far off, and they can be a game changer when it comes to finances.  Of course, no one is immune from job loss, unexpected illnesses, or a host of other things that can keep us from enjoying prosperity.  Research says that the majority of fights within a marriage are about money, so for richer isn’t always the way it goes, and money doesn’t necessarily bring happiness either.

To make the vow, for richer or poorer, is to say that money won’t dictate the quality of your relationship.  If you have enough, you will be careful to not let it provide a false sense of security, or allow it to interfere with your relationship by pursuing materialistic happiness instead of being content in each other.

If for poorer turns out to be the case, whether for the short-term or the long haul, your love has to be true and you have to find ways to rearrange your priorities.  There are many ways that couples can still spend quality time together without spending much money.  Taking walks, picnics in the park, going to the cheap movie theater, and a host of free or low-cost events take place in nearly every city in the country.

You may not get the brand new car, or the big house in the best neighborhood.  You may not be able to wear designer clothes or belong to the country club.  If you truly love your spouse, you won’t resent those things.  In fact, by learning to spend time with each other doing simple things that you both enjoy, you just might become rich in ways that have nothing to do with money.

For Better or Worse

Posted: August 2, 2011 in Love and Marriage
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Some people view this statement in the traditional vows as having a negative connotation, much like some people think of marriage as a confining prison.  Even though there is exactly a 50-50 split in the vow between better and worse, so many people focus on the worse part and wonder just what that implies.

On the other hand, there are those who are so idealistic that they can’t imagine anything other than eternal bliss as they prepare for their wedding day.  “Of course my life is going to be so much better when I’m married,” they assume.  The thought of problems or difficulties are dismissed as things “other people” go through, “but we won’t.”

For better or worse means one thing.  Commitment.  It means I choose you now and forever, no matter what.  It means I will never leave you or fail to love you, come what may, period.  It doesn’t leave us an out or an escape clause.  It doesn’t say, “as long as you make me happy,” or “as long as it’s working out between us.”

Love and marriage are one and the same in that regard.  Love says, “I choose to care more about you than I care about myself.”  Love says, “I will lay my own wishes aside to see that your needs are met.”  Love is without condition, and love gives.  Love never demands a level of performance or carries a return requirement.  In this is security.

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