Posts Tagged ‘prayer’

Day T-24 and Counting…

Posted: August 8, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I’ve been thinking about a tattoo for quite a while now and it came together today. Well, not completely, but enough that I know what I want to do now. I’ve been turning ideas over and over in my head for some time, and I’ve had bits and pieces, but I didn’t know what it would look like, and I didn’t want to move forward on it unless it would really mean something.

It’s kind of embarrassing to admit, but I’ve downloaded these two apps onto my phone that have love quotes and love poems on them and I’ve been reading them. This one said, “Don’t put my name in a heart because a heart can be broken. Put it in a circle because circles go on forever.” I loved that, because I don’t want one of those stupid heart tattoos with my wife’s name in it.

Then I read two verses in Song of Solomon that are awesome. One says, I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine,” and the other one says, “Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm.” I thought, “that sounds like a tattoo to me,” so my idea is to have that first verse going in a circle around Ceecee’s name. I think it should have something else, but I can’t figure out what yet. The thing is, I won’t do anything until we get back together and I don’t really think I should say anything about it to her at this point.

I’ve just been devouring the scriptures. I’ve been reading Proverbs out loud because it’s the book of wisdom and I need wisdom. I got to talk to Ceecee on the phone today and I told her that I had made a decision to go to the old church and confess to the pastor everything I had done. I also told her that I was going to go to my parents and tell them the truth. She seemed really shocked.

She had wanted me to talk to the church when everything was going on and I never would, Now, it’s all part of the “restoring the house” vision that God gave me. I’m just going through and trying to systematically correct, make up for, and restore all the things that I failed at before. I failed to own up to what I did and I failed to respect and honor her and now I’m going to.

I also can’t go on deceiving my parents and pretending that things are not the way they are. If things don’t work, they need to know that I brought this about and they need to hear it from me. I don’t know exactly how much I’m going to tell, but it’s important that I do this and that Ceecee knows that I’m doing it.

Ceecee was the one who called me today and I can’t help feeling that she was reaching out in some way. I really hope so. I’m not about to give up.

Day T-25 and Counting…

Posted: August 7, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Monday July 12, 2010

I’m not going to lie; I’m really scared. We had a big fight last night and it was worse than I could have imagined. I don’t even know what started it or how it happened.

When I got to the mall to pick Ceecee up, she seemed kind of off. I don’t know what was wrong, but I probably should have just called the whole thing off. It was just that I had a bunch of food with me in the car and I had such big plans and ideas about the night. I was so excited that I kind of ignored her bad mood and figured that it would go away once we got to her place and she got to eat.

Once we were there, she was tense and I don’t know if I said something wrong or what, but she said she wasn’t hungry and didn’t want to eat. I told her just to relax and let’s try to have fun. I suggested that maybe we could eat on the floor and play cards or a game .

We started to, but she wasn’t into it. Everything was building up toward this confrontation that I didn’t want, but I also felt like I needed to talk to her about love and what Kevin and I talked about, so I did. I told her that I didn’t think she really understood what it was to love unconditionally and that the way God loves us was the same way that we were supposed to love each other.

She got really angry and threw my words back in my face and told me to leave. I tried to get her to see that she was overreacting, but she was too upset. At first I wouldn’t leave and I told her, no, that she needed to hear this. It only made it worse and I ended up leaving anyway when she was furious with me.

Today I am spending the day in fasting and prayer. I don’t know what else to do. I called one of her friends in the hopes that maybe she either has some insight into what’s going on or maybe she’ll talk to her and encourage her to work things out.

Day T-27 and Counting…

Posted: August 5, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Saturday, July 10, 2010

Tomorrow I’m picking Ceecee up and we’re going to have tapas night at her place. I went to Spain one summer and loved the food, so since I’ve been back, I’ve learned to make all kinds of Spanish tapas. I pair them with different Sherries and we haven’t done it for quite some time. I’m so excited that I started making some of the cold stuff today so it will be ready.

Tonight she’s letting me take her to Branson to eat at Famous Dave’s on the landing. Things have gotten better again and we haven’t really talked about what happened Tuesday morning. I’m just trying to show her that I’m changing and trying to love her in the way she needs to be loved. I know I used to be too needy, so now I’m working on getting my needs met by God, so I can just give to her without needing anything back.

It’s so frustrating, though, to have so much love that I want to give and not to be able to give it. I’ve never known this kind of love, but now she doesn’t really want my love. The verses that I wrote down about love, I’m still saying every day, but now I’m turning them into a kind of a prayer and declaration of faith. I dont’ just say the verses out loud. I put our names into them and speak them out as prayers.

Yesterday, I went to my first counseling appointment. It was amazing. I spent the first 45 minutes thinking it was a total waste of time and money and the last fifteen just completely blown away. He sat at a computer and just asked me questions off a list and I didn’t get to talk about anything I wanted to talk about. He was asking me about my childhood and how I got along with my Dad and all this stuff and I was thinking that this was a stupid idea to come here. Then he just kind of connected the dots with everything I had told him and I’m pretty sure my mouth must have dropped open.

I don’t know what any of it meant, but he sure showed me a picture of myself that made me realize that I do have some issues and some things that need to change. I was pretty eager to make the next appointment and I really want to talk to Ceecee about it, but I’m afraid she’ll just think I’m trying to tell her that I have an excuse for why I was the way I was, or that I’m all fixed now because I went to counseling once. I called Joe and told him that either this guy is really good or really lucky or God just directed the whole conversation.

Day T-29 and Counting…

Posted: August 4, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Thursday, July 8, 2010

I got my bike fixed today and it only cost me $25. Today I rode 15 miles and it was pretty sweet. I don’t know why, but I have it in my mind and spirit that me doing the triathlon is somehow going to have an effect on our separation. It doesn’t make sense, especially now that Ceecee is concentrating on her marathon and probably not going to even be in the triathlon, but I have this mental picture that when I cross that finish line, something is going to break and she’s going to come back to me.

I dont’ know if anyone ever saved his marriage, or won his wife’s love back by running a triathlon, but I believe this, however illogical it might be. I’m going to do this. The triathlon is August 14th, the weekend before school starts. We definitely need to work this out by then or it’s going to really get complicated.

Speaking of school, a teacher friend of mine took me to lunch today. This is the second day in a row someone has bought me lunch and been there to support me and let me talk about my marriage. I told him about the vision of restoring the house and he had something really cool to add. He said that even though the original house looked really great, it wasn’t entirely adequate in the way it was built and that it didn’t just need to be restored, it needed to be added on to and rebuilt correctly.

Day T-30 and counting…

Posted: August 3, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Wednesday, July 7, 2010

One of my friends picked me up last night and took me out for some beers and wii bowling. It helped get my mind off things for a few hours.

Yesterday afternoon, I got out my Bible and began writing out every verse I could find about love and marriage. Then I just started saying them out loud. I also realize that evil is working in this situation and that I need to fight for Ceecee. She probably doesn’t even realize what’s happening, but she is in spiritual darkness and is blind to the fact that she’s being led astray.

I can’t let the things she said yesterday affect me. I have to stick to the plan, which is to love her and show her how much I care. I’ve realized that I can’t change her. I can only change myself and pray to set her free from the things that are holding her back.

This morning I was at the gym and listening to worship music while I was on the treadmill. I was thinking about how much I wished I could go to another church that had really dynamic music where I could just get lost in worship and not worry about people looking at me and knowing what was going on. It was crazy, but my friend Adam called me up out of the blue and asked me if I wanted to go to North Point with him this Sunday. I told him that I did. That was God answering a prayer before I even prayed it!

Today, I emailed Ceecee a comic from “Love is…” that showed a guy playing a guitar for the girl and the caption said, “When he changes his tune.” Then I went to the pharmacy and bought her a care package of vitamins, sports creams (she has some shin splints and muscle soreness that’s affecting her running), a new heating pad and things like that.

She likes receiving gifts. That’s her love language from the book, “The Five Love Languages.” My selfishness has been part of the problem in our marriage, so I want to show her that things are going to be different.

I told her I wanted to stop by and bring her something and she said I could, so I just came to her loft, gave her the care package and told her it was just because I just wanted her to have it. I didn’t try to talk about the other morning or ask her for anything. I just gave it to her, told her I cared about her, and went on my way. I think it surprised her.

In the past, it wouldn’t have been like that. I would have obsessed over what she said and made it into a huge deal that just would have ended up making her feel guilty. I wanted her to see that I wasn’t there to get anything, but to give her something. It was really hard to just leave, but I felt like it was what I had to do.

Afterward, I met Angie at a deli in Republic to talk about what’s going on. She’s having a really hard time with all this because her real Dad abandoned her when she was little and I’ve been as much of a “real” Dad to her as a step-dad could probably be. I just wanted to bring her up to speed on things and also she if she had any insight.

Anyway, it turns it she was the one who signed me up for Mort Fertel’s emails. Apparently, after I called her crying that day and we both realized that this was really as serious as it is, she found a brochure with his website on it and signed me up. She and her husband had their premarital counseling through him and she still had a video series or something that they had bought. I told her how much it was helping and how it seemed like God Himself must have been the one sending them.

I also called a behavioral health center and talked to them about me going in for some counseling. I told them that my marriage was failing, but I think I may be experiencing some PTSD symptoms going back to the tornado of March 12, 2006. Our house outside of Republic was destroyed by a tornado that went through the house while we were in it. It was a Sunday night and we had already gone to bed when I woke up and immediately knew that a tornado was about to hit our house. We didn’t have a basement, so we called the kids and crawled into the hallway, where we laid on the floor while the house was pretty much ripped apart.

I never understood it, but things were never the same after that. I was never the same. Some friends of ours thought we might have PTSD and recommended that we go for counseling, but we never did. Now, I can’t help but wonder how much that event changed me and if that’s really when I started my losing my dear wife. Anyway, I made an appointment for myself and we’ll see what happens.

Day T-35 and counting…

Posted: July 29, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Friday, July 2, 2011

I haven’t seen or barely talked to Ceecee since Tuesday morning. I don’t know what the rules are and what I’m allowed and not allowed to do. I don’t want to push, but I’m also supposed to be pursuing her to win her back. She wants time apart and I’m willing to give her that, but I don’t want her to think that I’m not wanting to be with her.

At the apartment, I’ve been praying and reading a lot about love and marriage. I’ve also been leaning on some friends, which is unusual for me. It was really weird, but my friend Joe told me about this guy he met in his neighborhood who has this amazing story of being divorced from his wife and then getting back together. He told me that now this guy helps other couples who are having marriage problems. He gave me his phone number, but I don’t know what to do with it.

I also have this idea that now I want to get a tattoo, but I’m not sure what or where. I realize that it’s just because I want so desperately to connect with Ceecee, but I really do feel this way. I’ve thought about getting a mini version of what she has somewhere on my body, but I’m afraid that would make me seem weak and desperate and I know that’s not what a woman wants.

Tonight, Ceecee and I are going to first Friday art walk. She wants me to bring Taylor. I want it to be like a date, but I’ll take what I can get at this point.

Day T-37 and counting…

Posted: July 28, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I went to the trails to run today and I can’t tell you how painful it was trying to run with this rib injury. Every step was a stabbing pain, but the physical pain kind of took the focus off the pain in my heart, so it wasn’t all bad. I looked up some stuff online and talked to some people and I think I have a fractured rib or two. Actually, I think it’s in the cartilage, but according to web md, it’s still considered a fracture even if it’s only cartilage. It says it takes about 6 weeks to heal and that will be almost up to the triathlon.

At home, I keep praying and listening for God’s voice. I’m also really learning a lot from the Mort Fertel emails. It’s uncanny the way they seem to speak right to my situation. Today, I wrote some stuff down on paper and one thing was that I am to blame. I caused the separation in our marriage. I know it takes two and we both have a part in it, but I know that if I had been the man of God that Ceecee believed me to be when she married me that none of this would ever have happened.

It was really bizarre, but I prayed tonight about what to do about Ceecee and I felt like God told me to make things right with Brianna. She’s my daughter from a previous marriage and she lives in western Kansas. Things have been rough for a long time. I tried to get custody, but ended up agreeing to let her live with her Mom through mediation.

When she was in 8th grade, we moved from Kansas to Missouri and she said she was going to move with us. She didn’t, and her Mom has always tried to poison her against me. Since we moved, it just seems that our relationship has deteriorated to almost nothing. Anyway, I felt like tonight that God said to fix things with her, so I called her and talked to her about visiting. I told her I would make time for her and that I would do the transportation, even though her Mom is supposed to drive halfway.

Day T-50 and counting…

Posted: July 19, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Thursday, June 17, 2010

These last couple of days have been pretty hard to describe. I’ve been a Christian for most of my life, but I’ve had times that I’ve really believed and been sold out to it, and times that I just play the game or go through the motions. The last several years, I’ve been playing the game.

Well, lately, I’ve been getting pretty serious about reaching out to God. I mean, I need help, and I don’t know where else to turn. So I’ve had some pretty intense times of praying and trying to get right with God for my marriage. I guess I realize that Ceecee has a free will and she’s going to do whatever she’s going to do, so there’s really no use praying for God to change her, but I need to change.

Last night and today, I’ve prayed like never before, and something just broke loose inside. There’s always been a part of my heart that I’ve held onto and I’ve never really let God have it all, but for the first time, I did. I cried until I don’t know where the tears came from anymore and things happened inside me that I can’t explain other than there’s a verse in the Bible that says, “I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart.”

God must have done that because something has changed inside and He showed me things about myself and our marriage that I would never have thought or imagined. It was so unbelievably painful to go through and it took more than a day, but I saw the truth about myself in ways that hurt more than I could have imagined.

He showed me how phony I’ve been. He showed me how badly I’ve neglected both Him and my wife. Then He showed me a vision. I saw my marriage as a house. At the start, it was a really great house, but over the years, it wasn’t kept up. I should have done things that needed taken care of, but I didn’t. I just put things off and let things go, and eventually the house was run down and ugly.

Then He began to show me specific ways that I had failed and areas of neglect that have led to where we are today. The first thing He showed me was about my wife’s wedding ring. This is hard for me to write, but she damaged it when she was working at Target over Christmas back in 2007. It’s a really cool, unique ring and part of it caught on a shopping cart and bent and some of the little diamonds came out and were lost.

Not long after that, I took it to a jeweler and the guy wanted a lot of money and didn’t really seem too interested in fixing it. I told him I’d think about it and he gave it back to me in a little plastic ziploc bag. I brought it home, put it in a drawer, and it’s been there ever since. I don’t know what I’ve been thinking. It’s 2010 and she hasn’t had a wedding ring to wear in more than 2 years! She hasn’t complained and I haven’t even really thought about it.

Anyway, I went to the gym this morning with Taylor and I brought the ring with me. I figured after our workout, I’ll find another jeweler, or I’ll just take it around from place to place. I didn’t really have any plan.

We left the gym and I didn’t know where I was going and as I was turning left out of the parking lot, there was a jeweler right across the street with a sign that said “repairs” on it. I’ve been going to work out right across the street from this place for years and I’ve never noticed it. I went in, talked to the guy, and he had some great ideas for fixing it and he hardly wants any money. I dropped it off and it should be ready within a week. I can’t wait to give it to her and show her that I’m changing! I haven’t said anything about it and I’m just going to have it be a surprise.

Day T-117 and counting…

Posted: June 7, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Sunday, April 11, 2010

Ceecee was in a better mood today. She enjoys the comics in the Sunday paper and this afternoon she sat outside in the sun reading a book. We still aren’t close like we should be, but at least she doesn’t seem angry today. I’m trying to be good to her, but she doesn’t seem to want to let me get very close. I don’t understand it. It’s not like things were perfect before, but I don’t know what this is.

Introduction

Posted: May 26, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Friday, June 25, 2010

My stepson is sitting beside me as I simultaneously force myself to wear the brave face and quell the overwhelming desire to break down and cry. I can’t believe I am doing this. Right now, I am driving the truck that contains all of my precious wife’s belongings that will go with her to her new apartment. Yes, I am helping her leave me.

Early this morning, we went and picked up the keys to her new place and she was excited. I was devastated, but she didn’t seem to get that. We’ve been married for about thirteen and a half years and I still have no idea how it came to this. Well, actually I do, but I’m still struggling with that. Yes, I messed up, and yes, I hurt her, but that was a long time ago. Why this? Why now?

She finally caught that I was upset and told me not to be. She said I should be happy for her and that she wants to celebrate. I knew she wanted to celebrate, but I couldn’t imagine what that would have to do with me. I said something to that effect and she told me that she wanted us to share the Champagne and strawberries together. That made me feel a little better, but it also confused me to no end. Why are we doing this? She says she needs time. She says she needs space. She says she needs to find herself and figure out what she wants.

I’m not stupid. I know that’s the kind of thing women say when they are having an affair, but that can’t be what’s happening here. Ceecee and I spend almost all of our time together, so she can’t be seeing anyone. I would know. Besides, she promised me years ago that would never happen and I believe her.

Anyway, we went and got the truck, loaded all her things, and now we’re getting close to the parking lot of her apartment building. How can I do this? Why am I doing this? Who helps his wife leave him? A guy who is crazy in love with her and has had his heart radically changed, I guess. That’s me. The guy who loves her more than his own life and would do anything for her.

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