Posts Tagged ‘security’

Day 56 and Counting…A Bikini and She’s Going To Wear It!

Posted: November 1, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Friday, October 1, 2010

Took Ceecee shopping today and she really surprised me. She bought this really cute bikini and wrote on Facebook, “Yes, I bought a bikini and yes, I’m going to wear it.” She’s usually very self-conscious about bathing suits and wears things to cover herself up, even at the pool.

I’m glad she did. It looked really good and it makes me feel good to think that she is feeling more confident in herself because of the way I treat her. I don’t know if that’s why or not, but it’s nice to see. She plans on bringing it to St. Louis and the hotel we’re staying at has a pool.

Day 51 and Counting… A Practice Marathon

Posted: October 22, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Sunday, September 26, 2010

Ceecee was supposed to run 23 miles today. Well, let me back up. She was supposed to run 23 miles yesterday with her Galloway group, but, once again, we were enjoying our marriage a little too much. We agreed to go today and I brought my bike.

Anyway, when she was approaching the end, she told me she felt good and wanted to go ahead and run 26 just so she would know she could do it. I was pretty surprised, but if she felt fine, why not? The crazy thing is, she has to work a full shift today, so she is going to end up having run the equivalent of a full marathon and then go work 8 hours at a retail job.

I’m wanting to get out of Macy’s, but we have some things coming up that we want to do for the restoration tour, so we’re kind of talking about quitting our second jobs at Thanksgiving. The extra money will allow us to pay for some special plans we have for our anniversary next month and also our Thanksgiving trip to Chicago. We don’t need the money, but it’s nice not to have to stress or worry about how to pay for some of this.

Day 47 and Counting…Positive Changes

Posted: October 18, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Ceecee registered for her marathon today. She thanked me on Facebook, which I appreciated, but she’s done all the hard work. She’s consistently running over 20 miles now, which I can’t really do, so sometimes I bring my bike and ride while she runs.

Other than that, we’re just enjoying being married. Life is pretty wonderful right now, and we’re growing more confident and secure as the days go by. There’s a lingering fear that this is only temporary, and that things will eventually revert back to the way they used to be, but I keep pushing that down, and there’s no evidence of it.

Things are actually getting better all the time and they are so different than they used to be. Ceecee doesn’t have that anger anymore, and I really believe her when she tells me how much she loves me. That’s pretty significant, because I always felt somehow unlovable before. I don’t know if it was from too many failed relationships or what, but I always felt, deep down inside, that I was unworthy of love, and that it was only a matter of time before any given person would reject me.

Day 44 and Counting… Our First Musical and a Promise

Posted: October 16, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Sunday, September 19, 2010

My wife has always been interested in theater and musicals and such. I really haven’t been, but I want to support the things she likes, and one of the things about moving downtown is that there are several theaters right near our loft. They have been playing Cats at one of them and Ceecee really wanted to go. I decided to take her, but I procrastinated buying the tickets until today. There was only standing room left, which sucked, but it was either that or miss it, so I bought them.

On the way there, she stopped me on the sidewalk, kissed me, and said, “Let’s make a pact that we will never intentionally hurt each other again.” It was an amazing moment.

I thought Cats was pretty good, but Ceecee absolutely loved it. At one point, I looked over at her while she was watching and her face was absolutely shining. It made me so glad I had taken her and also makes me want to do more of this in the future if it makes her this happy.

Day 42 and Counting… An Unpleasant Surprise

Posted: October 15, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Friday, September 17, 2010

Quite an unexpected and unpleasant surprise first thing this morning.

My wife doesn’t have a classroom of her own, so she usually hangs out in my room and gets on my computer in the mornings before school starts. She checks her email and such and today, I happened to walk over while she had her hotmail inbox open and I saw that there was a message from that guy from her past. The subject line said, “can we talk?”

I asked her about it and she said she was sorry that I had to see it and that she’s just ignoring him. I asked her how often he’s writing to her and she said, “pretty much everyday.” I asked her if she wanted me to get involved and do something about it, but she said no, and please not to, that it would only make it worse.

I’m not sure what that means, but it left me feeling pretty sick and uneasy for the rest of the day.

Day 31 and Counting…Laboring on Labor Day

Posted: October 8, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Monday, September 6, 2010

Labor day, indeed. So glad this weekend is finally over. I’m still working at Macy’s, as well as teaching, and we just finished our Labor Day sale. It’s one of the two biggest sales of the year in the furniture and mattress department where I work.

I had to work all three days and it was insane. I’ve never been nearly that busy and we had a major system crash with our computers right in the middle of it. Ceecee and I don’t really need the extra income now, and I’ll probably only stay until right before the holidays. We usually travel over Thanksgiving, so this will help pay for all that, but I’m not willing to get stuck having to work and not be able to go anywhere.

Ceecee ran 20 miles in her training for the marathon over the weekend. I don’t know how she does it.

Day 29 and Counting…Ring Restoration

Posted: October 7, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Saturday, September 4, 2010

I took my wedding ring in to the same jeweler that fixed Ceecee’s before we separated. Mine has been through a lot, and it’s developed a small crack on the bottom and is somewhat out of round.

He said that it wasn’t made very well and simply doesn’t have enough gold in it to repair the crack. He said he would need to add more gold to it and then it could be made stronger. I agreed, but told him I didn’t like the thought of being without my ring while the work was being done. I asked him if there was any chance that he had a plain wedding band that I could use as a loaner, so my finger wouldn’t be “naked.”

He didn’t, but he took a piece of white gold and went in the back and I could hear him tinkering around. When he came back out, he had actually made me a plain band to wear. He said he understood and that I could keep it.

I got a chance to share some of our story with him and he loved it. I hope that Ceecee will come with me when the ring is ready, because I’d really like to be able introduce her to him.

Day 22 and Counting…A 10 Cow Wife!

Posted: October 4, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Saturday, August 28, 2010

Ceecee wrote, “I’m a 10 cow wife!” on her Facebook today. It goes back to a story we read years ago, and we even watched a cheesy movie about it on DVD once. It’s about a guy named Johnny Lingo and he lives on an island in the tropics. He is legendary for being able to make deals for just about anything, but the people from his home town say he moved away after he married a poor, ugly girl and that he gave 8 cows for her, which is a crazy amount of cows to give for a wife.

Anyway, the person telling the story decides to go find Johnny Lingo, and when he does, his wife is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. It turns out that him valuing her that much changed the way she saw herself, and she transformed into an entirely new woman.

I can never express how much this means to me. For years, when I was frustrated with our marriage, my main source was that my love for Ceecee didn’t seem to make any difference for her. She came with a lot of baggage from her past, which is fine, but I always believed that being my wife would eventually heal her and set her free from all that.

When years went by and nothing changed, it made me feel useless and like a complete failure. Of course I realize now that I wasn’t loving her properly, and that most of my motivations were selfish, so to read that this morning on her status really made my heart leap with joy!

Day 5 and Counting…

Posted: September 18, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I was at work today and Ceecee put “I need a vacation from everything” on her status. We just had two days off and they were two of the best days imaginable, so I was confused. I texted her and asked her what was up and she said she had gotten a message from a friend that upset her.

It was crazy, but God had spoken to me this morning and told me that something bad was going to happen today and to be ready for it. I had forgotten all about it, but then I figured this was what He was talking about. He kind of let me read her mail and showed me who the message was from and what the nature of it was.

When we were home tonight, I told her that I knew and that I understood and it kind of freaked her out a little. I didn’t know what else to do, so I just told her that God had already told me about it and that I was there for her. She’s got a situation that is pretty stressful and she’s not really knowing how to deal with it.

She says it’s her mess and that she needs to be the one to handle it. I don’t know about that, but I respect it. I’ve always been a “fixer,” but that doesn’t always work, especially since I understand now that my attempts to always handle everything for her ended up coming across as a lack of confidence in her. It wasn’t, but she learned to believe that I didn’t think she was capable of taking care of things on her own.

Since it really potentially affects both of us, I want to be involved, but I also want to show my wife that I do have confidence in her and that I trust her to handle it.

Day T-20 and Counting…

Posted: August 16, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Saturday, July 17, 2010

It’s been kind of awkward since Thursday. We talked on the phone later and she said she felt like a piece of trash because we weren’t actually together when we did what we did. I told her that we were still married even though we weren’t living together and that I thought it was entirely appropriate and that God was delighted that we did it.

She has been a little distant, though. I dont’ know if it scared her, or what. It seems like now she’s going out of her way to make sure she communicates that nothing has changed and we’re still separated. I get that, but I think it did mean something.

This morning, she ran in a 5K called “Girls Just Wanna Run” that’s sponsored by our fitness center. It was crazy hot and humid and most of the times weren’t very good. I volunteered as a traffic director out on the course and Ceecee gave me a high five as she came by. It was pretty great.

Then, afterwards, she went to talk to one of the instructors about a zumba class and when he asked if I was her husband, she hesitated for way too long before saying yes. Even so, I was glad to be there with her and for her, but it reminded me of how precarious our situation still is. It’s really agonizing to have all this love that I so desperately want to give her, but she so seldom receives any of it.

Afterward, we went to a couple of used car lots so she could look at cars. She asked me to and, of course, I said I would. We didn’t find anything and it seems that most of the payments are going to be too high for her, so she was pretty discouraged.

We also went into the CARE shelter where they rescue dogs and cats for adoption. She wanted to look at dogs and said if she can just pet them, then it helps her not to want one. Naturally, she found one she wanted and I have to admit, that little dog could steal your heart. I’m really against getting any pets, especially while living in a loft apartment and being gone so much, but that was maybe the only dog that I can imagine actually keeping. Plus, I would do just about anything for my wife right now to make her happy and show her that I care more about her than about myself.

She’s supposed to be having a girl’s night tonight. I wish I was going to be with her, but she needs to have friends and it will be good for her to do something just for fun.

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