Archive for August, 2012

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Today was just one of those days that got to me. I’m spending time with Brianna which is good, but I’ve had no communication with Ceecee, which is frustrating. I went to the gym tonight and just felt so alone. I tried to work out, but I couldn’t. I went in to one of the showers, turned the water up high and just sobbed. I was kind of afraid that someone would hear me, but I didn’t figure they could over the water.

I spent more time in prayer and came to a terribly painful place, but I know it’s the right place to be. I made the choice to let Ceecee go. Not to stop pursuing her or trying to win her back, but to let her make her choice. I don’t know what her plans are, or what’s going on in her heart and life, but I know that if she isn’t with me, she’ll have no problem finding someone else.

She could easily find someone younger, more attractive, and who makes more money than me. I’ve told her that. She just brushes it off, but she did say that I should be glad that she’s getting pretty good at saying no, because she gets hit on by guys all the time at work. She also tells me about guys who are trying to pick her up and how she doesn’t want that. I’m not sure why she tells me these things, but I just let her.

Anyway, I turned her over to God in my heart while I was praying. I told God – and meant it – that if I was never going to be able to make her happy and be the man she needs, that I would rather live without her and have her be happy with someone else.

Monday, July 19, 2010

My daughter from western Kansas is here visiting. We haven’t gotten to spend much time together in the last several years, and this is really weird that she’s here right now while I’m trying to pursue Ceecee, but I need to focus on her some also. God told me to work things out with her, so I’m going to have to balance time with her and trying to fix my marriage.

We’re still having the heat wave, so triathlon training and helping Taylor get ready for the air force have been really tough. I take him out running and he’s been going to the gym with one of his friends. I’ve got a bike session with my group tonight and I’m not looking forward to it.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

I went back to North Point Church again this weekend. It was amazing! I wasn’t freaked out by everything, so I could just allow myself to be part of it and something just broke inside me. I found myself crying and letting God’s grace just wash over me. There was an anointing in there like I’m not sure I’ve felt before.

I went and talked to my parents about what’s going on and it was tough. They handled it real well. Didn’t say much and only asked a few questions. I still told it in a positive light as though it’s all going to work out because I believe it will. Even so, my wife deserves the respect and honor of me telling the truth and letting people know why we’re apart.

Last night, Ceecee’s girls’ night kind of fell through and we ended up going out for a while downtown. It wasn’t a great time and she was bummed because of her friends, but I was glad to be there and kind of salvage something from it.

We actually went back to the dog place and that dog was already adopted. Ceecee was really disappointed. I was kind of relieved, but I also felt bad for her. I could actually see how us getting that dog together could have had implications of us having a future together.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

It’s been kind of awkward since Thursday. We talked on the phone later and she said she felt like a piece of trash because we weren’t actually together when we did what we did. I told her that we were still married even though we weren’t living together and that I thought it was entirely appropriate and that God was delighted that we did it.

She has been a little distant, though. I dont’ know if it scared her, or what. It seems like now she’s going out of her way to make sure she communicates that nothing has changed and we’re still separated. I get that, but I think it did mean something.

This morning, she ran in a 5K called “Girls Just Wanna Run” that’s sponsored by our fitness center. It was crazy hot and humid and most of the times weren’t very good. I volunteered as a traffic director out on the course and Ceecee gave me a high five as she came by. It was pretty great.

Then, afterwards, she went to talk to one of the instructors about a zumba class and when he asked if I was her husband, she hesitated for way too long before saying yes. Even so, I was glad to be there with her and for her, but it reminded me of how precarious our situation still is. It’s really agonizing to have all this love that I so desperately want to give her, but she so seldom receives any of it.

Afterward, we went to a couple of used car lots so she could look at cars. She asked me to and, of course, I said I would. We didn’t find anything and it seems that most of the payments are going to be too high for her, so she was pretty discouraged.

We also went into the CARE shelter where they rescue dogs and cats for adoption. She wanted to look at dogs and said if she can just pet them, then it helps her not to want one. Naturally, she found one she wanted and I have to admit, that little dog could steal your heart. I’m really against getting any pets, especially while living in a loft apartment and being gone so much, but that was maybe the only dog that I can imagine actually keeping. Plus, I would do just about anything for my wife right now to make her happy and show her that I care more about her than about myself.

She’s supposed to be having a girl’s night tonight. I wish I was going to be with her, but she needs to have friends and it will be good for her to do something just for fun.

Thursday, July 15, 2010
(I’ve never done this before, but I edited this day’s entry due to the fact that it was so personal and included more than should be shared. Please understand that I only want to inspire others and help them find true love, not to air details that don’t need to be shared.)

Amazing! What a day! Wow, I can’t believe it. Ceecee made lunch for us at the loft and made her turkish martinis (which I thought tasted disgusting, but I didn’t really let on because she was having fun using her new stuff and experimenting). Then we went upstairs and I started to rub her back. She took my hand and moved it and I didn’t need any more help to understand the signal.

We ended up making love for the first time in about 3 months. We didn’t talk about what was going on and I wasn’t about to break the spell. The part that was hilarious was that I was supposed to go to Columbia to cover a story for a local publication. We did talk about that and it became kind of a joke that I should be on the road and if I don’t go soon, I’ll miss the story and I’m ok with that even though this editor will never hire me again.

I did finally go and had to drive like a maniac to get in on the very end of the event, but I got what I needed to be able to write the story. Ceecee wrote on her Facebook that it was a great day off, but of course, she didn’t say anything about me or what we did.

Pardon the Interruption…

Posted: August 13, 2012 in Love and Marriage

Sorry for disappearing for a few days. I’ve been in Chicago at a convention and had no time to write or access to a computer. I should be back to sharing daily blog entries again now.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Ceecee told me that she bought a martini set from Dillard’s yesterday and she carried it home on her bike. She gets these amazing deals there. I can’t believe some of what she brings home for so little money.

I have so much going on today. I had a job interview this morning at Macy’s. I had been looking for a Summer job, but it’s been getting so far into Summer that I don’t know how this is going to work. They only had a daytime position and since I’ll be going back to school in about a month, I obviously can’t do that. I told them I could do nights and weekends and maybe stay on after school gets started, but they said they didn’t have anything.

Then, late this afternoon, they called back and asked if I wanted to come back to interview for a nights and weekends position. I don’t know how well run I think the place is, but I went back and they hired me as a part-time furniture salesman. I’ve never done that before, but it’s not just commission. It will be an hourly wage with potential commission.

I also had my second session with Dr. Black and it was really incredible again. It’s not like going to counseling and being asked, “what do you want to talk about today?” It’s more like going to the doctor and he checks you all out and tells you what he thinks is wrong and what to do about it. I guess this is “therapy,” not just counseling.

While I was in Republic, I went and talked to the pastor of the church there. I couldn’t believe his reaction. His non-reaction, I guess I should say. At least twice while we were still attending regularly there, we put prayer requests in for our marriage and no one from the leadership ever even acknowledged anything. No one reached out, asked if we were ok, or tried to help on any way.

So today, I went in and told him what was going on and what had gone on and he just acted like it was nothing. He didn’t seem shocked, surprised, concerned, or anything. It was just like, “Oh well, it happens.”

On her Facebook today, Ceecee wrote that all she needs now is a car and “all will be set.” I’m not sure what that means, but it doesn’t sound good. If we’re going to get back together soon, we don’t need another car. If she feels that she needs a car, then maybe she’s not thinking in terms of the separation being over anytime soon.

The best thing that happened today was that Ceecee wants to see me tomorrow! She finally has a day off and she wants to work out and then try out her new martini stuff. She says she wants to get ingredients for “Turkish martinis,” whatever that means. I don’t care, I’m just pretty stoked that after that fight, she seems to be more interested in staying in communication when I had pretty much pulled back.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I’ve been thinking about a tattoo for quite a while now and it came together today. Well, not completely, but enough that I know what I want to do now. I’ve been turning ideas over and over in my head for some time, and I’ve had bits and pieces, but I didn’t know what it would look like, and I didn’t want to move forward on it unless it would really mean something.

It’s kind of embarrassing to admit, but I’ve downloaded these two apps onto my phone that have love quotes and love poems on them and I’ve been reading them. This one said, “Don’t put my name in a heart because a heart can be broken. Put it in a circle because circles go on forever.” I loved that, because I don’t want one of those stupid heart tattoos with my wife’s name in it.

Then I read two verses in Song of Solomon that are awesome. One says, I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine,” and the other one says, “Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm.” I thought, “that sounds like a tattoo to me,” so my idea is to have that first verse going in a circle around Ceecee’s name. I think it should have something else, but I can’t figure out what yet. The thing is, I won’t do anything until we get back together and I don’t really think I should say anything about it to her at this point.

I’ve just been devouring the scriptures. I’ve been reading Proverbs out loud because it’s the book of wisdom and I need wisdom. I got to talk to Ceecee on the phone today and I told her that I had made a decision to go to the old church and confess to the pastor everything I had done. I also told her that I was going to go to my parents and tell them the truth. She seemed really shocked.

She had wanted me to talk to the church when everything was going on and I never would, Now, it’s all part of the “restoring the house” vision that God gave me. I’m just going through and trying to systematically correct, make up for, and restore all the things that I failed at before. I failed to own up to what I did and I failed to respect and honor her and now I’m going to.

I also can’t go on deceiving my parents and pretending that things are not the way they are. If things don’t work, they need to know that I brought this about and they need to hear it from me. I don’t know exactly how much I’m going to tell, but it’s important that I do this and that Ceecee knows that I’m doing it.

Ceecee was the one who called me today and I can’t help feeling that she was reaching out in some way. I really hope so. I’m not about to give up.

Monday July 12, 2010

I’m not going to lie; I’m really scared. We had a big fight last night and it was worse than I could have imagined. I don’t even know what started it or how it happened.

When I got to the mall to pick Ceecee up, she seemed kind of off. I don’t know what was wrong, but I probably should have just called the whole thing off. It was just that I had a bunch of food with me in the car and I had such big plans and ideas about the night. I was so excited that I kind of ignored her bad mood and figured that it would go away once we got to her place and she got to eat.

Once we were there, she was tense and I don’t know if I said something wrong or what, but she said she wasn’t hungry and didn’t want to eat. I told her just to relax and let’s try to have fun. I suggested that maybe we could eat on the floor and play cards or a game .

We started to, but she wasn’t into it. Everything was building up toward this confrontation that I didn’t want, but I also felt like I needed to talk to her about love and what Kevin and I talked about, so I did. I told her that I didn’t think she really understood what it was to love unconditionally and that the way God loves us was the same way that we were supposed to love each other.

She got really angry and threw my words back in my face and told me to leave. I tried to get her to see that she was overreacting, but she was too upset. At first I wouldn’t leave and I told her, no, that she needed to hear this. It only made it worse and I ended up leaving anyway when she was furious with me.

Today I am spending the day in fasting and prayer. I don’t know what else to do. I called one of her friends in the hopes that maybe she either has some insight into what’s going on or maybe she’ll talk to her and encourage her to work things out.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Had a blast last night in Branson. When we got done eating, there was a band getting ready to play on the landing down by the fountain. It was a free 80’s cover show and we stayed and watched. It was a lot of fun for Ceecee especially, because she loves 80’s music.

We went back and crashed at her place, then went to the gym together this morning. I took her to work and then I’ll pick her up at 6 for tapas at her loft. I’m so excited. I think tonight is going to be big in our relationship. God is doing major work in my heart and I want to talk to my wife about some of it.

I went to North Point Church with my friend Adam today and it was really weird. I’m not sure if I liked it or not. It was so different than any church I’ve been to and I was kind of on overload from all the lights, video screens, and loud music. I’d like to go again and see what it’s like when I know what to expect.

I talked to Kevin Holm again today on the phone and we had a really powerful conversation. I don’t remember much of it, but when I got off the phone, I knew what to do. We talked about unconditional love and what that means and how Ceecee needs to have that from me. Now I’m just waiting and watching the clock until I get to see her!