Posts Tagged ‘Blended Family’

Saturday, July 31, 2011

I don’t even know how to write this. I did the mock triathlon this morning and it was totally amazing! I completed it, but the run was so hard. I wasn’t sure I would make it and I just started saying Ceecee’s and Jesus’ names out loud and kept taking another step. I finally got to the finish line totally exhausted, but with a satisfaction as well.

I went home and about 10 minutes later my phone rang. It was Ceecee and I’ll never forget what she said. She asked me, “Are you ready to call your landlord and give him your 30 day notice and come move in with me?” I didn’t know what else to say, so I just said, “Yes.” She asked me if I was sure and I said I had wanted this and prayed for this all along, so yes I was sure.

We got off the phone and I kind of fell backward onto my bed and I just laid there and cried for about 30 minutes. It just all came out. All the emotion and fear and struggle just poured out of me and I let it. I don’t really know exactly how long it was and I didn’t care. Then, after a while, I wanted to tell Taylor. He hadn’t come out of his bedroom and I didn’t know if he was awake or not. I knocked on his door and he answered and I told him about the phone call. A few minutes after that, Joe called. I answered and told him, “I’m crying this morning, but it’s tears of joy today.”

I had to work at Macy’s and Ceecee showed up with Angie and they both seemed so happy and excited. Ceecee and I walked off by ourselves and she kept telling me that she loved me and that she was sorry. I’ll never forget the way she looked at me.

She also said she had made some mistakes and done things she wasn’t proud of. I told her it didn’t matter and that if I had been faithful and had been the man of God that she believed me to be, that none of this ever would have happened and that she would have never been put in the position she was. I told her that I took responsibility for everything that had happened and I meant it.

I asked her how she wanted all this to work and she said that she needed a day or two to clear her head and get things ready, so she wanted me to move in on Monday. That would also give us time to figure out what would happen with Taylor. He would still have 30 days in the apartment and either he would get taken into the Air Force during that time, or we would make whatever arrangements needed to be made.

Somehow I had always believed that completing the triathlon would trigger us getting back together, but I never considered the mock tri. The real triathlon is still two weeks away. I have no idea what, if anything, me crossing that finish line this morning had to do with anything, but my faith has always been strong for this and today it has all come to fulfillment. Now to get through the next two days and our marriage starts over!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Headed out to western Kansas today to take Bri back home and going to spend a night or two at my in-laws’ house. Not sure how I feel about that, but it seems like an opportunity to establish that my wife’s family is still my family and possibly to get some insight into what might be going on. I’ve never been particularly close to her mother, but we get along and she said it would be good to see me, so we’ll see what happens.

I’m going to be on the road most of the day today, get there this evening and probably head back tomorrow. I don’t have any real plans. I think Ceecee talked to her Mom about making meatloaf for me, and if she did, that’s pretty cool. Ceecee hates meatloaf, but I love it, so we never eat it, but she said something about maybe her Mom would make it.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Ceecee agreed to go with Brianna and me to spend the day in St. Louis today. Bri was worried that we would be fighting, but I told her it’s not like that. We went to the zoo and had a blast. It’s still really hot, but there are a bunch of indoor parts of the St. Louis Zoo, so we tried to stay cool. Then Ceecee and Brianna went into this fountain that you can get under like a waterfall and I took pictures. They both got completely soaked and I got some great pics.

We went to lunch at Guido’s on the Hill and had an unbelievably good time. We sat outside and ate lunch and talked and laughed for the longest time. We told stories about the past and I noticed that for the first time since our separation, Ceecee talked about happy memories of our past. For a long time now, she only talks about the bad things that have happened, but today, something changed. It was like she remembered that we’ve had a good life together.

When we got back to her place and we went in to help carry in the groceries she bought at the Hill, she kissed me goodbye. I was totally shocked, but I tried not to show it. It wasn’t much of a kiss, just a tiny peck, but she initiated it and seemed totally comfortable with it in front of Bri.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Today was just one of those days that got to me. I’m spending time with Brianna which is good, but I’ve had no communication with Ceecee, which is frustrating. I went to the gym tonight and just felt so alone. I tried to work out, but I couldn’t. I went in to one of the showers, turned the water up high and just sobbed. I was kind of afraid that someone would hear me, but I didn’t figure they could over the water.

I spent more time in prayer and came to a terribly painful place, but I know it’s the right place to be. I made the choice to let Ceecee go. Not to stop pursuing her or trying to win her back, but to let her make her choice. I don’t know what her plans are, or what’s going on in her heart and life, but I know that if she isn’t with me, she’ll have no problem finding someone else.

She could easily find someone younger, more attractive, and who makes more money than me. I’ve told her that. She just brushes it off, but she did say that I should be glad that she’s getting pretty good at saying no, because she gets hit on by guys all the time at work. She also tells me about guys who are trying to pick her up and how she doesn’t want that. I’m not sure why she tells me these things, but I just let her.

Anyway, I turned her over to God in my heart while I was praying. I told God – and meant it – that if I was never going to be able to make her happy and be the man she needs, that I would rather live without her and have her be happy with someone else.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

One of my friends picked me up last night and took me out for some beers and wii bowling. It helped get my mind off things for a few hours.

Yesterday afternoon, I got out my Bible and began writing out every verse I could find about love and marriage. Then I just started saying them out loud. I also realize that evil is working in this situation and that I need to fight for Ceecee. She probably doesn’t even realize what’s happening, but she is in spiritual darkness and is blind to the fact that she’s being led astray.

I can’t let the things she said yesterday affect me. I have to stick to the plan, which is to love her and show her how much I care. I’ve realized that I can’t change her. I can only change myself and pray to set her free from the things that are holding her back.

This morning I was at the gym and listening to worship music while I was on the treadmill. I was thinking about how much I wished I could go to another church that had really dynamic music where I could just get lost in worship and not worry about people looking at me and knowing what was going on. It was crazy, but my friend Adam called me up out of the blue and asked me if I wanted to go to North Point with him this Sunday. I told him that I did. That was God answering a prayer before I even prayed it!

Today, I emailed Ceecee a comic from “Love is…” that showed a guy playing a guitar for the girl and the caption said, “When he changes his tune.” Then I went to the pharmacy and bought her a care package of vitamins, sports creams (she has some shin splints and muscle soreness that’s affecting her running), a new heating pad and things like that.

She likes receiving gifts. That’s her love language from the book, “The Five Love Languages.” My selfishness has been part of the problem in our marriage, so I want to show her that things are going to be different.

I told her I wanted to stop by and bring her something and she said I could, so I just came to her loft, gave her the care package and told her it was just because I just wanted her to have it. I didn’t try to talk about the other morning or ask her for anything. I just gave it to her, told her I cared about her, and went on my way. I think it surprised her.

In the past, it wouldn’t have been like that. I would have obsessed over what she said and made it into a huge deal that just would have ended up making her feel guilty. I wanted her to see that I wasn’t there to get anything, but to give her something. It was really hard to just leave, but I felt like it was what I had to do.

Afterward, I met Angie at a deli in Republic to talk about what’s going on. She’s having a really hard time with all this because her real Dad abandoned her when she was little and I’ve been as much of a “real” Dad to her as a step-dad could probably be. I just wanted to bring her up to speed on things and also she if she had any insight.

Anyway, it turns it she was the one who signed me up for Mort Fertel’s emails. Apparently, after I called her crying that day and we both realized that this was really as serious as it is, she found a brochure with his website on it and signed me up. She and her husband had their premarital counseling through him and she still had a video series or something that they had bought. I told her how much it was helping and how it seemed like God Himself must have been the one sending them.

I also called a behavioral health center and talked to them about me going in for some counseling. I told them that my marriage was failing, but I think I may be experiencing some PTSD symptoms going back to the tornado of March 12, 2006. Our house outside of Republic was destroyed by a tornado that went through the house while we were in it. It was a Sunday night and we had already gone to bed when I woke up and immediately knew that a tornado was about to hit our house. We didn’t have a basement, so we called the kids and crawled into the hallway, where we laid on the floor while the house was pretty much ripped apart.

I never understood it, but things were never the same after that. I was never the same. Some friends of ours thought we might have PTSD and recommended that we go for counseling, but we never did. Now, I can’t help but wonder how much that event changed me and if that’s really when I started my losing my dear wife. Anyway, I made an appointment for myself and we’ll see what happens.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Last night was interesting. I didn’t bring Taylor to art walk and the reason was totally selfish. I figured that since art walk is downtown, where Ceecee’s apartment is, and that it would be at night, maybe if things went well she would ask me to spend the night again.

I also didn’t want it to be pressure, so I invited Adam, a mutual friend. He was worried about it, but I told him it would be fine and it was. We had a really good time. Ceecee wore my favorite brown shirt that I bought for her and she looked so amazing in it. We held hands all night and had fun and it just seemed so crazy that we’re not together. I did stay the night at her place and again, nothing happened, but it felt good to be there, even though it’s all really confusing.

I called Adam the next morning after I went back to Republic and asked him, “Are you as confused as I am about why we’re not together?” I figured he saw the whole thing and it didn’t make any sense that Ceecee and I could be like that, but not have a relationship. He said something really cool. He said, “You two are opposite sides of the same coin. You two are one.” I told Ceecee over the phone that he said that, but she didn’t say anything back. Tomorrow, we’re going to Silver Dollar City for the fourth of July, though.

Tonight we had a bike ride for triathlon training. Ceecee didn’t go. In fact, she hasn’t gone since the first night. It’s partly because she works irregular hours at her new job and I think she also feels uncomfortable because of what’s going on in our marriage. Something is a little bit wrong with my bike and the guy teaching the class told me where to take it to get it fixed.

Friday, July 2, 2011

I haven’t seen or barely talked to Ceecee since Tuesday morning. I don’t know what the rules are and what I’m allowed and not allowed to do. I don’t want to push, but I’m also supposed to be pursuing her to win her back. She wants time apart and I’m willing to give her that, but I don’t want her to think that I’m not wanting to be with her.

At the apartment, I’ve been praying and reading a lot about love and marriage. I’ve also been leaning on some friends, which is unusual for me. It was really weird, but my friend Joe told me about this guy he met in his neighborhood who has this amazing story of being divorced from his wife and then getting back together. He told me that now this guy helps other couples who are having marriage problems. He gave me his phone number, but I don’t know what to do with it.

I also have this idea that now I want to get a tattoo, but I’m not sure what or where. I realize that it’s just because I want so desperately to connect with Ceecee, but I really do feel this way. I’ve thought about getting a mini version of what she has somewhere on my body, but I’m afraid that would make me seem weak and desperate and I know that’s not what a woman wants.

Tonight, Ceecee and I are going to first Friday art walk. She wants me to bring Taylor. I want it to be like a date, but I’ll take what I can get at this point.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I went to the trails to run today and I can’t tell you how painful it was trying to run with this rib injury. Every step was a stabbing pain, but the physical pain kind of took the focus off the pain in my heart, so it wasn’t all bad. I looked up some stuff online and talked to some people and I think I have a fractured rib or two. Actually, I think it’s in the cartilage, but according to web md, it’s still considered a fracture even if it’s only cartilage. It says it takes about 6 weeks to heal and that will be almost up to the triathlon.

At home, I keep praying and listening for God’s voice. I’m also really learning a lot from the Mort Fertel emails. It’s uncanny the way they seem to speak right to my situation. Today, I wrote some stuff down on paper and one thing was that I am to blame. I caused the separation in our marriage. I know it takes two and we both have a part in it, but I know that if I had been the man of God that Ceecee believed me to be when she married me that none of this would ever have happened.

It was really bizarre, but I prayed tonight about what to do about Ceecee and I felt like God told me to make things right with Brianna. She’s my daughter from a previous marriage and she lives in western Kansas. Things have been rough for a long time. I tried to get custody, but ended up agreeing to let her live with her Mom through mediation.

When she was in 8th grade, we moved from Kansas to Missouri and she said she was going to move with us. She didn’t, and her Mom has always tried to poison her against me. Since we moved, it just seems that our relationship has deteriorated to almost nothing. Anyway, I felt like tonight that God said to fix things with her, so I called her and talked to her about visiting. I told her I would make time for her and that I would do the transportation, even though her Mom is supposed to drive halfway.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Time for a dose of reality, I guess. We had a lot of fun in St. Louis yesterday and it was late when we got back so I crashed at the loft, but today, Ceecee said it was time for me to go and us to spend some time apart. She was sweet about it, but firm and I didn’t expect it to hurt nearly as much as it did.

She said she needed time to be by herself and figure things out and that was why we were separating. I lost it and just cried and cried after I left. I had to go home to the old apartment, and I’m sure Taylor was glad to see me, but I was a wreck and not worth seeing.

Monday, June 28, 2010

I think I did something in that fall yesterday, because my ribs are really sore. Other than that, things are pretty good. It was weird, but on Facebook, my mother-in-law said she heard that I might be coming out to Kansas and that it would be good to see me. I don’t know how much she knows about what’s going on, or what Ceecee has told her, but I figure if she’s reaching out to me, I’m going to take it as a good sign and go see her.

I’ve told my parents a version of the truth that’s very slanted. I’ve allowed them to believe that Ceecee moved on ahead of me because our lease wasn’t up yet, and that since Taylor isn’t ready to go into the Air Force, he’s going to stay in the old apartment while I kind of go back and forth between the two temporarily. They seem to be buying it and I don’t have the heart to tell them anything else. I’ve been divorced twice and this marriage has been the real deal. We’ve been together longer than my previous two marriages combined, and my parents have completely taken Ceecee and her kids as part of the family.

I believe that things are going to work out and I’m hoping that they will just never know the truth. If they don’t work out, well, I can’t face that. They just have to. On that subject, we’re going to St. Louis today to spend the day and I’ve spent every night in the loft so far. I can’t say I’m happy because everything is so uncertain, but so far, it’s been a lot better than I anticipated.