Posts Tagged ‘Hope’

Day T-30 and counting…

Posted: August 3, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Wednesday, July 7, 2010

One of my friends picked me up last night and took me out for some beers and wii bowling. It helped get my mind off things for a few hours.

Yesterday afternoon, I got out my Bible and began writing out every verse I could find about love and marriage. Then I just started saying them out loud. I also realize that evil is working in this situation and that I need to fight for Ceecee. She probably doesn’t even realize what’s happening, but she is in spiritual darkness and is blind to the fact that she’s being led astray.

I can’t let the things she said yesterday affect me. I have to stick to the plan, which is to love her and show her how much I care. I’ve realized that I can’t change her. I can only change myself and pray to set her free from the things that are holding her back.

This morning I was at the gym and listening to worship music while I was on the treadmill. I was thinking about how much I wished I could go to another church that had really dynamic music where I could just get lost in worship and not worry about people looking at me and knowing what was going on. It was crazy, but my friend Adam called me up out of the blue and asked me if I wanted to go to North Point with him this Sunday. I told him that I did. That was God answering a prayer before I even prayed it!

Today, I emailed Ceecee a comic from “Love is…” that showed a guy playing a guitar for the girl and the caption said, “When he changes his tune.” Then I went to the pharmacy and bought her a care package of vitamins, sports creams (she has some shin splints and muscle soreness that’s affecting her running), a new heating pad and things like that.

She likes receiving gifts. That’s her love language from the book, “The Five Love Languages.” My selfishness has been part of the problem in our marriage, so I want to show her that things are going to be different.

I told her I wanted to stop by and bring her something and she said I could, so I just came to her loft, gave her the care package and told her it was just because I just wanted her to have it. I didn’t try to talk about the other morning or ask her for anything. I just gave it to her, told her I cared about her, and went on my way. I think it surprised her.

In the past, it wouldn’t have been like that. I would have obsessed over what she said and made it into a huge deal that just would have ended up making her feel guilty. I wanted her to see that I wasn’t there to get anything, but to give her something. It was really hard to just leave, but I felt like it was what I had to do.

Afterward, I met Angie at a deli in Republic to talk about what’s going on. She’s having a really hard time with all this because her real Dad abandoned her when she was little and I’ve been as much of a “real” Dad to her as a step-dad could probably be. I just wanted to bring her up to speed on things and also she if she had any insight.

Anyway, it turns it she was the one who signed me up for Mort Fertel’s emails. Apparently, after I called her crying that day and we both realized that this was really as serious as it is, she found a brochure with his website on it and signed me up. She and her husband had their premarital counseling through him and she still had a video series or something that they had bought. I told her how much it was helping and how it seemed like God Himself must have been the one sending them.

I also called a behavioral health center and talked to them about me going in for some counseling. I told them that my marriage was failing, but I think I may be experiencing some PTSD symptoms going back to the tornado of March 12, 2006. Our house outside of Republic was destroyed by a tornado that went through the house while we were in it. It was a Sunday night and we had already gone to bed when I woke up and immediately knew that a tornado was about to hit our house. We didn’t have a basement, so we called the kids and crawled into the hallway, where we laid on the floor while the house was pretty much ripped apart.

I never understood it, but things were never the same after that. I was never the same. Some friends of ours thought we might have PTSD and recommended that we go for counseling, but we never did. Now, I can’t help but wonder how much that event changed me and if that’s really when I started my losing my dear wife. Anyway, I made an appointment for myself and we’ll see what happens.

Day T-31 and Counting…

Posted: August 2, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Tuesday, July 6, 2010

The pain this morning was unbearable. Not from my ribs, unfortunately. That would have been easy to understand, but it was what happened at the loft that devastated me beyond what I could have imagined.

It rained yesterday and Ceecee called me and asked me to pick her up last night after work. I took her home and I wanted to stay. I don’t think she really wanted me to, but she felt bad about having me drive all the way to Springfield at that time of night, so she said it was ok if I wanted to.

Then I told her about my conversation with Kevin and Deb’s offer to talk to her. She didn’t really say much, but I could tell she was resistant to the idea. She always has been against going to counseling or anything like that. She always says, “I’m not talking to some stranger about our problems.” I told her they aren’t counselors, just two people who have a story. Neither of us wanted to turn it into a fight, so I left it alone.

In the morning, she pretty much told me good-bye again, with no indication that anything would change and I was having a hard time with it. I felt like I was trying to win her back and she wasn’t responding at all, so I brought up the subject. She said she no longer had those kind of feelings for me. She said that she cared about me, but that she was too hurt by everything that had happened and she didn’t know if she could feel that way anymore.

I asked her when I had lost her heart. She said she didn’t know exactly, but that it had been some time. I told her that I didn’t feel like I had really had her heart for years and I couldn’t understand why. Then she told me that I had had her heart completely since we had lived in Missouri.

That was kind of a shock to me. We moved here in August of 2005 and I thought that our marriage had been rocky since before that. She said no, that while we were in Republic, that she would be proud of me while I was playing the bass in church and think, “that’s my guy.” Then she said that she didn’t think she would ever feel that way again and that I needed to go.

I left there completely broken and devastated. Just two days ago, I felt like maybe we were about ready to get back together! I cried until I had no more tears and called people just so I wouldn’t have to feel alone. What am I going to do if this doesn’t work out?

Day T-32 and counting…

Posted: August 1, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Monday, July 5, 2010

Ceecee and I went running in the morning together on the south creek trail. It’s a really pretty place in Springfield that goes through a huge park called Nathaniel Greene Park. She has to work today and we don’t have any plans beyond that.

I called Kevin, the marriage guy that my friend Joe told me about. We just had a brief conversation where he told me that they just invite people to come to their house and listen to their story and then, if they want to talk more, they help people work out their problems. He said that his wife, Deb, is really good at talking with women and getting them to open up and that she would be glad to talk to Ceecee anytime.

Day T-34 and counting…

Posted: July 30, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Saturday, July 3, 2010

Last night was interesting. I didn’t bring Taylor to art walk and the reason was totally selfish. I figured that since art walk is downtown, where Ceecee’s apartment is, and that it would be at night, maybe if things went well she would ask me to spend the night again.

I also didn’t want it to be pressure, so I invited Adam, a mutual friend. He was worried about it, but I told him it would be fine and it was. We had a really good time. Ceecee wore my favorite brown shirt that I bought for her and she looked so amazing in it. We held hands all night and had fun and it just seemed so crazy that we’re not together. I did stay the night at her place and again, nothing happened, but it felt good to be there, even though it’s all really confusing.

I called Adam the next morning after I went back to Republic and asked him, “Are you as confused as I am about why we’re not together?” I figured he saw the whole thing and it didn’t make any sense that Ceecee and I could be like that, but not have a relationship. He said something really cool. He said, “You two are opposite sides of the same coin. You two are one.” I told Ceecee over the phone that he said that, but she didn’t say anything back. Tomorrow, we’re going to Silver Dollar City for the fourth of July, though.

Tonight we had a bike ride for triathlon training. Ceecee didn’t go. In fact, she hasn’t gone since the first night. It’s partly because she works irregular hours at her new job and I think she also feels uncomfortable because of what’s going on in our marriage. Something is a little bit wrong with my bike and the guy teaching the class told me where to take it to get it fixed.

Day T-35 and counting…

Posted: July 29, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Friday, July 2, 2011

I haven’t seen or barely talked to Ceecee since Tuesday morning. I don’t know what the rules are and what I’m allowed and not allowed to do. I don’t want to push, but I’m also supposed to be pursuing her to win her back. She wants time apart and I’m willing to give her that, but I don’t want her to think that I’m not wanting to be with her.

At the apartment, I’ve been praying and reading a lot about love and marriage. I’ve also been leaning on some friends, which is unusual for me. It was really weird, but my friend Joe told me about this guy he met in his neighborhood who has this amazing story of being divorced from his wife and then getting back together. He told me that now this guy helps other couples who are having marriage problems. He gave me his phone number, but I don’t know what to do with it.

I also have this idea that now I want to get a tattoo, but I’m not sure what or where. I realize that it’s just because I want so desperately to connect with Ceecee, but I really do feel this way. I’ve thought about getting a mini version of what she has somewhere on my body, but I’m afraid that would make me seem weak and desperate and I know that’s not what a woman wants.

Tonight, Ceecee and I are going to first Friday art walk. She wants me to bring Taylor. I want it to be like a date, but I’ll take what I can get at this point.

Day T-37 and counting…

Posted: July 28, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I went to the trails to run today and I can’t tell you how painful it was trying to run with this rib injury. Every step was a stabbing pain, but the physical pain kind of took the focus off the pain in my heart, so it wasn’t all bad. I looked up some stuff online and talked to some people and I think I have a fractured rib or two. Actually, I think it’s in the cartilage, but according to web md, it’s still considered a fracture even if it’s only cartilage. It says it takes about 6 weeks to heal and that will be almost up to the triathlon.

At home, I keep praying and listening for God’s voice. I’m also really learning a lot from the Mort Fertel emails. It’s uncanny the way they seem to speak right to my situation. Today, I wrote some stuff down on paper and one thing was that I am to blame. I caused the separation in our marriage. I know it takes two and we both have a part in it, but I know that if I had been the man of God that Ceecee believed me to be when she married me that none of this would ever have happened.

It was really bizarre, but I prayed tonight about what to do about Ceecee and I felt like God told me to make things right with Brianna. She’s my daughter from a previous marriage and she lives in western Kansas. Things have been rough for a long time. I tried to get custody, but ended up agreeing to let her live with her Mom through mediation.

When she was in 8th grade, we moved from Kansas to Missouri and she said she was going to move with us. She didn’t, and her Mom has always tried to poison her against me. Since we moved, it just seems that our relationship has deteriorated to almost nothing. Anyway, I felt like tonight that God said to fix things with her, so I called her and talked to her about visiting. I told her I would make time for her and that I would do the transportation, even though her Mom is supposed to drive halfway.

Day T-38 and counting…

Posted: July 27, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Time for a dose of reality, I guess. We had a lot of fun in St. Louis yesterday and it was late when we got back so I crashed at the loft, but today, Ceecee said it was time for me to go and us to spend some time apart. She was sweet about it, but firm and I didn’t expect it to hurt nearly as much as it did.

She said she needed time to be by herself and figure things out and that was why we were separating. I lost it and just cried and cried after I left. I had to go home to the old apartment, and I’m sure Taylor was glad to see me, but I was a wreck and not worth seeing.

Day T-39 and counting…

Posted: July 26, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Monday, June 28, 2010

I think I did something in that fall yesterday, because my ribs are really sore. Other than that, things are pretty good. It was weird, but on Facebook, my mother-in-law said she heard that I might be coming out to Kansas and that it would be good to see me. I don’t know how much she knows about what’s going on, or what Ceecee has told her, but I figure if she’s reaching out to me, I’m going to take it as a good sign and go see her.

I’ve told my parents a version of the truth that’s very slanted. I’ve allowed them to believe that Ceecee moved on ahead of me because our lease wasn’t up yet, and that since Taylor isn’t ready to go into the Air Force, he’s going to stay in the old apartment while I kind of go back and forth between the two temporarily. They seem to be buying it and I don’t have the heart to tell them anything else. I’ve been divorced twice and this marriage has been the real deal. We’ve been together longer than my previous two marriages combined, and my parents have completely taken Ceecee and her kids as part of the family.

I believe that things are going to work out and I’m hoping that they will just never know the truth. If they don’t work out, well, I can’t face that. They just have to. On that subject, we’re going to St. Louis today to spend the day and I’ve spent every night in the loft so far. I can’t say I’m happy because everything is so uncertain, but so far, it’s been a lot better than I anticipated.

Day T-40 and counting…

Posted: July 25, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Sunday, June 27, 2010

This morning, we took our bikes out and rode together for the first time. We went to the mall so she could practice her route to work and see how long it took and then we went and did a little shopping. At Walmart, she bought me a back pack to ride with, which was really sweet and surprising.

I ended up being really glad I had it because on the way back, just a block from the loft, we hit an area where the road was torn up and I crashed. My front tire caught and stopped and I went over the handlebars. I kind of rolled in the air and allowed the backpack to take part of the fall and the skidding. I left a pretty good patch of skin from my left shoulder (I was wearing a sleeveless shirt) and a smaller one from my knee, but the bike held up fine.

When I was cleaning up in the bathroom though, it really hurt to bend over. There was a searing pain in my side and I don’t know what it was. It pretty much subsided after a while, but it kind of scared me.

Day T-41 and counting…

Posted: July 24, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Saturday, June 26, 2010

What a last two days this has been! I can’t even begin to recount all the flood of emotions and the feelings since yesterday morning. We picked up the keys in the morning – I waited in the car, I just didn’t have it in me to go in there – then we ran a few errands and picked up the truck.

Once Ceecee explained that she wanted us to share the Champagne and strawberries together and she asked me to stay the night, I felt better, but we were still separating. We also picked up a Captain Morgan set with these silly shot glasses.

They called from the bike shop and her bike was in. They said she needed to come in to get fitted for it and I didn’t see how there would be time, but of course, she was determined, so we went in the early afternoon. It’s a really cool bike.

The moving itself was excruciating. Carrying all of her stuff out of our apartment along with the stuff of ours – some of the furniture, our bed, etc – was awful, but she said she wanted to take the stuff that we would both want if and when we got back together, so that it would already be there.

The worst part was driving there. She took the car with a bunch of fragile stuff and went on ahead, while Taylor and I went in the moving truck. Closing that back hatch and driving away made the reality set in so tangibly that I really began to experience the hurt like I hadn’t yet. Now there was no denying it. This was happening. My wife and I were no longer going to be together.

After we got unpacked and Taylor and his friend were gone, we drank the Captain Morgan shots and the Champagne. Her favorite movie used to be “Pretty Woman” and ever since then, she’s always had a thing for strawberries with Champagne. It was actually a lot of fun, and I got to spend the night, just like she said. Nothing happened, but we slept in the same bed and, at least to me, we felt close.

This morning, she sat and watched the sun rise from one of the windows and took a picture of it. Then we walked over to a downtown cafe and had a really good breakfast. Angie came by later to see the place and Ceecee talked to her like things would work out and we’d be back together soon. She talked about where “we” would keep “our bikes” and things like that. I can’t help being hopeful that maybe this will only be a couple of weeks and I’ll be moving in.

Tonight, we walked a couple of blocks over to a place where she got a tattoo. She’s wanted one for a long time, but never got one, mostly because of me. I’ve never liked them, and I always told her I didn’t like them and wouldn’t like one on her. Earlier this Spring, when she was telling me how unhappy she was, she said I was controlling and smothering her and that me not letting her get a tattoo was part of it.

After that, I told her that she could and that our marriage was more important than that, but she just said she would get one if she wanted to and that I didn’t have any say in it anymore. A while back, she came up with the idea of a sun in the middle of her back and had this shop work up a design. Tonight, she got it put on.

It hurt more than she thought it would, and I sat next to her and held her hands throughout. I kept trying to look into her eyes and communicate without words how much I loved her, but I don’t think she got it. There were other people in the shop and I kept wondering if any of the women could see and were wishing that they were loved like that and how ironic it all was.

Anyway, it was later in the evening when they got finished and Ceecee asked if I wanted to stay again. Of course I was all too eager. Once again, we didn’t do anything, but she let me hold her before we fell asleep and it seems like this won’t be so bad after all!

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