Posts Tagged ‘loft apartment’

Day T-30 and counting…

Posted: August 3, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Wednesday, July 7, 2010

One of my friends picked me up last night and took me out for some beers and wii bowling. It helped get my mind off things for a few hours.

Yesterday afternoon, I got out my Bible and began writing out every verse I could find about love and marriage. Then I just started saying them out loud. I also realize that evil is working in this situation and that I need to fight for Ceecee. She probably doesn’t even realize what’s happening, but she is in spiritual darkness and is blind to the fact that she’s being led astray.

I can’t let the things she said yesterday affect me. I have to stick to the plan, which is to love her and show her how much I care. I’ve realized that I can’t change her. I can only change myself and pray to set her free from the things that are holding her back.

This morning I was at the gym and listening to worship music while I was on the treadmill. I was thinking about how much I wished I could go to another church that had really dynamic music where I could just get lost in worship and not worry about people looking at me and knowing what was going on. It was crazy, but my friend Adam called me up out of the blue and asked me if I wanted to go to North Point with him this Sunday. I told him that I did. That was God answering a prayer before I even prayed it!

Today, I emailed Ceecee a comic from “Love is…” that showed a guy playing a guitar for the girl and the caption said, “When he changes his tune.” Then I went to the pharmacy and bought her a care package of vitamins, sports creams (she has some shin splints and muscle soreness that’s affecting her running), a new heating pad and things like that.

She likes receiving gifts. That’s her love language from the book, “The Five Love Languages.” My selfishness has been part of the problem in our marriage, so I want to show her that things are going to be different.

I told her I wanted to stop by and bring her something and she said I could, so I just came to her loft, gave her the care package and told her it was just because I just wanted her to have it. I didn’t try to talk about the other morning or ask her for anything. I just gave it to her, told her I cared about her, and went on my way. I think it surprised her.

In the past, it wouldn’t have been like that. I would have obsessed over what she said and made it into a huge deal that just would have ended up making her feel guilty. I wanted her to see that I wasn’t there to get anything, but to give her something. It was really hard to just leave, but I felt like it was what I had to do.

Afterward, I met Angie at a deli in Republic to talk about what’s going on. She’s having a really hard time with all this because her real Dad abandoned her when she was little and I’ve been as much of a “real” Dad to her as a step-dad could probably be. I just wanted to bring her up to speed on things and also she if she had any insight.

Anyway, it turns it she was the one who signed me up for Mort Fertel’s emails. Apparently, after I called her crying that day and we both realized that this was really as serious as it is, she found a brochure with his website on it and signed me up. She and her husband had their premarital counseling through him and she still had a video series or something that they had bought. I told her how much it was helping and how it seemed like God Himself must have been the one sending them.

I also called a behavioral health center and talked to them about me going in for some counseling. I told them that my marriage was failing, but I think I may be experiencing some PTSD symptoms going back to the tornado of March 12, 2006. Our house outside of Republic was destroyed by a tornado that went through the house while we were in it. It was a Sunday night and we had already gone to bed when I woke up and immediately knew that a tornado was about to hit our house. We didn’t have a basement, so we called the kids and crawled into the hallway, where we laid on the floor while the house was pretty much ripped apart.

I never understood it, but things were never the same after that. I was never the same. Some friends of ours thought we might have PTSD and recommended that we go for counseling, but we never did. Now, I can’t help but wonder how much that event changed me and if that’s really when I started my losing my dear wife. Anyway, I made an appointment for myself and we’ll see what happens.

Day T-31 and Counting…

Posted: August 2, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Tuesday, July 6, 2010

The pain this morning was unbearable. Not from my ribs, unfortunately. That would have been easy to understand, but it was what happened at the loft that devastated me beyond what I could have imagined.

It rained yesterday and Ceecee called me and asked me to pick her up last night after work. I took her home and I wanted to stay. I don’t think she really wanted me to, but she felt bad about having me drive all the way to Springfield at that time of night, so she said it was ok if I wanted to.

Then I told her about my conversation with Kevin and Deb’s offer to talk to her. She didn’t really say much, but I could tell she was resistant to the idea. She always has been against going to counseling or anything like that. She always says, “I’m not talking to some stranger about our problems.” I told her they aren’t counselors, just two people who have a story. Neither of us wanted to turn it into a fight, so I left it alone.

In the morning, she pretty much told me good-bye again, with no indication that anything would change and I was having a hard time with it. I felt like I was trying to win her back and she wasn’t responding at all, so I brought up the subject. She said she no longer had those kind of feelings for me. She said that she cared about me, but that she was too hurt by everything that had happened and she didn’t know if she could feel that way anymore.

I asked her when I had lost her heart. She said she didn’t know exactly, but that it had been some time. I told her that I didn’t feel like I had really had her heart for years and I couldn’t understand why. Then she told me that I had had her heart completely since we had lived in Missouri.

That was kind of a shock to me. We moved here in August of 2005 and I thought that our marriage had been rocky since before that. She said no, that while we were in Republic, that she would be proud of me while I was playing the bass in church and think, “that’s my guy.” Then she said that she didn’t think she would ever feel that way again and that I needed to go.

I left there completely broken and devastated. Just two days ago, I felt like maybe we were about ready to get back together! I cried until I had no more tears and called people just so I wouldn’t have to feel alone. What am I going to do if this doesn’t work out?

Day T-33 and Counting…

Posted: July 31, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Sunday, July 4, 2010

Silver Dollar City was great today! Ceecee let me spoil her a little bit. I bought her this huge balloon that she carried all over and I took a bunch of pictures of her. We played around and went on a bunch of rides. It really felt pretty casual and then we stopped for food on the way home and she wanted me to watch a movie at the loft and stay with her overnight again. I’ve been staying almost every night on the weekends!

Day T-38 and counting…

Posted: July 27, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Time for a dose of reality, I guess. We had a lot of fun in St. Louis yesterday and it was late when we got back so I crashed at the loft, but today, Ceecee said it was time for me to go and us to spend some time apart. She was sweet about it, but firm and I didn’t expect it to hurt nearly as much as it did.

She said she needed time to be by herself and figure things out and that was why we were separating. I lost it and just cried and cried after I left. I had to go home to the old apartment, and I’m sure Taylor was glad to see me, but I was a wreck and not worth seeing.

Day T-39 and counting…

Posted: July 26, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Monday, June 28, 2010

I think I did something in that fall yesterday, because my ribs are really sore. Other than that, things are pretty good. It was weird, but on Facebook, my mother-in-law said she heard that I might be coming out to Kansas and that it would be good to see me. I don’t know how much she knows about what’s going on, or what Ceecee has told her, but I figure if she’s reaching out to me, I’m going to take it as a good sign and go see her.

I’ve told my parents a version of the truth that’s very slanted. I’ve allowed them to believe that Ceecee moved on ahead of me because our lease wasn’t up yet, and that since Taylor isn’t ready to go into the Air Force, he’s going to stay in the old apartment while I kind of go back and forth between the two temporarily. They seem to be buying it and I don’t have the heart to tell them anything else. I’ve been divorced twice and this marriage has been the real deal. We’ve been together longer than my previous two marriages combined, and my parents have completely taken Ceecee and her kids as part of the family.

I believe that things are going to work out and I’m hoping that they will just never know the truth. If they don’t work out, well, I can’t face that. They just have to. On that subject, we’re going to St. Louis today to spend the day and I’ve spent every night in the loft so far. I can’t say I’m happy because everything is so uncertain, but so far, it’s been a lot better than I anticipated.

Day T-40 and counting…

Posted: July 25, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Sunday, June 27, 2010

This morning, we took our bikes out and rode together for the first time. We went to the mall so she could practice her route to work and see how long it took and then we went and did a little shopping. At Walmart, she bought me a back pack to ride with, which was really sweet and surprising.

I ended up being really glad I had it because on the way back, just a block from the loft, we hit an area where the road was torn up and I crashed. My front tire caught and stopped and I went over the handlebars. I kind of rolled in the air and allowed the backpack to take part of the fall and the skidding. I left a pretty good patch of skin from my left shoulder (I was wearing a sleeveless shirt) and a smaller one from my knee, but the bike held up fine.

When I was cleaning up in the bathroom though, it really hurt to bend over. There was a searing pain in my side and I don’t know what it was. It pretty much subsided after a while, but it kind of scared me.

Day T-41 and counting…

Posted: July 24, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Saturday, June 26, 2010

What a last two days this has been! I can’t even begin to recount all the flood of emotions and the feelings since yesterday morning. We picked up the keys in the morning – I waited in the car, I just didn’t have it in me to go in there – then we ran a few errands and picked up the truck.

Once Ceecee explained that she wanted us to share the Champagne and strawberries together and she asked me to stay the night, I felt better, but we were still separating. We also picked up a Captain Morgan set with these silly shot glasses.

They called from the bike shop and her bike was in. They said she needed to come in to get fitted for it and I didn’t see how there would be time, but of course, she was determined, so we went in the early afternoon. It’s a really cool bike.

The moving itself was excruciating. Carrying all of her stuff out of our apartment along with the stuff of ours – some of the furniture, our bed, etc – was awful, but she said she wanted to take the stuff that we would both want if and when we got back together, so that it would already be there.

The worst part was driving there. She took the car with a bunch of fragile stuff and went on ahead, while Taylor and I went in the moving truck. Closing that back hatch and driving away made the reality set in so tangibly that I really began to experience the hurt like I hadn’t yet. Now there was no denying it. This was happening. My wife and I were no longer going to be together.

After we got unpacked and Taylor and his friend were gone, we drank the Captain Morgan shots and the Champagne. Her favorite movie used to be “Pretty Woman” and ever since then, she’s always had a thing for strawberries with Champagne. It was actually a lot of fun, and I got to spend the night, just like she said. Nothing happened, but we slept in the same bed and, at least to me, we felt close.

This morning, she sat and watched the sun rise from one of the windows and took a picture of it. Then we walked over to a downtown cafe and had a really good breakfast. Angie came by later to see the place and Ceecee talked to her like things would work out and we’d be back together soon. She talked about where “we” would keep “our bikes” and things like that. I can’t help being hopeful that maybe this will only be a couple of weeks and I’ll be moving in.

Tonight, we walked a couple of blocks over to a place where she got a tattoo. She’s wanted one for a long time, but never got one, mostly because of me. I’ve never liked them, and I always told her I didn’t like them and wouldn’t like one on her. Earlier this Spring, when she was telling me how unhappy she was, she said I was controlling and smothering her and that me not letting her get a tattoo was part of it.

After that, I told her that she could and that our marriage was more important than that, but she just said she would get one if she wanted to and that I didn’t have any say in it anymore. A while back, she came up with the idea of a sun in the middle of her back and had this shop work up a design. Tonight, she got it put on.

It hurt more than she thought it would, and I sat next to her and held her hands throughout. I kept trying to look into her eyes and communicate without words how much I loved her, but I don’t think she got it. There were other people in the shop and I kept wondering if any of the women could see and were wishing that they were loved like that and how ironic it all was.

Anyway, it was later in the evening when they got finished and Ceecee asked if I wanted to stay again. Of course I was all too eager. Once again, we didn’t do anything, but she let me hold her before we fell asleep and it seems like this won’t be so bad after all!

Day T-43 and counting…

Posted: July 23, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Thursday, June 24, 2010

Yesterday, I wrote a long letter where I poured my heart out to Ceecee. I told her how sorry I was and how I realized how much I had hurt her and let her down. I talked about our love and how, just like her ring, it has been damaged, but it can be stronger than ever and no less beautiful. I put it on her pillow with her ring and just let her find it.

She read the letter and didn’t have any reaction at all. None. I mean, she didn’t do or say anything. I can’t believe it. I knew that her heart was hardened to me, but not this much. I thought for sure she would melt and things would change. I’ve always been able to give her really great gifts and come up with really big surprises. That’s just been part of our marriage.

We had lunch together at the mall today while she was on her break from Dillard’s. Tomorrow she gets the keys to her loft and life as I’ve known it will be over. She’s really stressed and I keep trying to tell her it doesn’t have to be like this, but it doesn’t do any good. In fact, the more I say those kinds of things, the more insistent she becomes that she has to go through with this.

She doesn’t have a car (we only have one and I’m keeping it because I’ll still be living in Republic with Taylor and she’ll be downtown). She plans on using her bike and the bus for transportation, but her bike hasn’t come in yet. The order got messed up because they didn’t know what color she wanted, so she’s been waiting all this time. It’s supposed to be in tomorrow.

Day T-51 and counting…

Posted: July 18, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Wednesday, June 16, 2010

What a painful, tearing experience. We – I don’t know why I said we – She (Ceecee) filled out an application on a loft apartment downtown. It’s a really cool place and we both liked it. When we left, she was all giddy with happiness. I was really upset and she asked me why. I couldn’t believe it.

I just told her the truth. I said I was really upset that she seemed happy to be leaving me. She said it wasn’t like that and that she picked a place that I would want to live in after we had some time apart. She said I would probably end up there before too long. Again, I don’t know if she’s just saying that, or if she really means it.

I’m still getting these marriage emails and it’s really weird. Sometimes it seems like they must really be coming from God, because they speak right to where I am at any given point. I am taking them to heart and trying to put it all into practice. Sometimes it seems to help and other times, it seems like nothing I do will ever make any difference.

A Quick Current Restoration Story

Posted: July 15, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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For those of you who have read the original 90 day restoration tour blog, this will be a chance to go back and revisit the story one more time. For you new readers who are following the current journal version of the story, this is just a “We interrupt this blog to bring you…” breaking news kind of post, so you may want to skip this one as it won’t make any sense to you. With that in mind…

In Springfield, Missouri, where most of the story takes place, there is a town square that is the source of much controversy. I’m sure that at one time it was the center of commerce, and a place where the community gathered, but in recent decades, it has been known as the place where the homeless and “undesireables” hang out. Most people avoid it and find it to be a place they’d rather not visit.

The city has tried a number of things to bring the community back to the square, not the least of which is a summer concert series called “sounds on the square.” Local bands and artist perform on friday nights for no charge, and the idea is that the square will draw visitors who will also patronize the downtown businesses. Why am I telling you all this?

It so happens that my wife and I attended one of the free concerts there this past Friday night and it got me to thinking, and remembering. Last year, there were no sounds on the square because the city spent nearly two million dollars on a renovation project that had the square fenced off and closed for nearly a year. We were living in our second loft apartment which overlooked the square at that time.

We’ve since moved, but we had the opportunity to go back to the square friday night. As we were getting ready, I realized that the last time I was at a sounds on the square concert, I was there by myself. My wife and I were separated and I sat listening to the band and wondering if this was going to be my new life.

We had always talked about living downtown and being able to walk to concerts and event like these, and now, my wife was living downtown alone, and there I was attending a concert that we should have gone to together. It was a tough night, but I hadn’t thought about it for a very long time. It was a small surprise when I realized that going back as a happily married couple would be one more little bonus stop on the restoration tour.

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