Posts Tagged ‘spirituality’

Day T-18 and Counting…

Posted: August 19, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Monday, July 19, 2010

My daughter from western Kansas is here visiting. We haven’t gotten to spend much time together in the last several years, and this is really weird that she’s here right now while I’m trying to pursue Ceecee, but I need to focus on her some also. God told me to work things out with her, so I’m going to have to balance time with her and trying to fix my marriage.

We’re still having the heat wave, so triathlon training and helping Taylor get ready for the air force have been really tough. I take him out running and he’s been going to the gym with one of his friends. I’ve got a bike session with my group tonight and I’m not looking forward to it.

Day T-19 and Counting…

Posted: August 17, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Sunday, July 18, 2010

I went back to North Point Church again this weekend. It was amazing! I wasn’t freaked out by everything, so I could just allow myself to be part of it and something just broke inside me. I found myself crying and letting God’s grace just wash over me. There was an anointing in there like I’m not sure I’ve felt before.

I went and talked to my parents about what’s going on and it was tough. They handled it real well. Didn’t say much and only asked a few questions. I still told it in a positive light as though it’s all going to work out because I believe it will. Even so, my wife deserves the respect and honor of me telling the truth and letting people know why we’re apart.

Last night, Ceecee’s girls’ night kind of fell through and we ended up going out for a while downtown. It wasn’t a great time and she was bummed because of her friends, but I was glad to be there and kind of salvage something from it.

We actually went back to the dog place and that dog was already adopted. Ceecee was really disappointed. I was kind of relieved, but I also felt bad for her. I could actually see how us getting that dog together could have had implications of us having a future together.

Day T-20 and Counting…

Posted: August 16, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Saturday, July 17, 2010

It’s been kind of awkward since Thursday. We talked on the phone later and she said she felt like a piece of trash because we weren’t actually together when we did what we did. I told her that we were still married even though we weren’t living together and that I thought it was entirely appropriate and that God was delighted that we did it.

She has been a little distant, though. I dont’ know if it scared her, or what. It seems like now she’s going out of her way to make sure she communicates that nothing has changed and we’re still separated. I get that, but I think it did mean something.

This morning, she ran in a 5K called “Girls Just Wanna Run” that’s sponsored by our fitness center. It was crazy hot and humid and most of the times weren’t very good. I volunteered as a traffic director out on the course and Ceecee gave me a high five as she came by. It was pretty great.

Then, afterwards, she went to talk to one of the instructors about a zumba class and when he asked if I was her husband, she hesitated for way too long before saying yes. Even so, I was glad to be there with her and for her, but it reminded me of how precarious our situation still is. It’s really agonizing to have all this love that I so desperately want to give her, but she so seldom receives any of it.

Afterward, we went to a couple of used car lots so she could look at cars. She asked me to and, of course, I said I would. We didn’t find anything and it seems that most of the payments are going to be too high for her, so she was pretty discouraged.

We also went into the CARE shelter where they rescue dogs and cats for adoption. She wanted to look at dogs and said if she can just pet them, then it helps her not to want one. Naturally, she found one she wanted and I have to admit, that little dog could steal your heart. I’m really against getting any pets, especially while living in a loft apartment and being gone so much, but that was maybe the only dog that I can imagine actually keeping. Plus, I would do just about anything for my wife right now to make her happy and show her that I care more about her than about myself.

She’s supposed to be having a girl’s night tonight. I wish I was going to be with her, but she needs to have friends and it will be good for her to do something just for fun.

Day T-24 and Counting…

Posted: August 8, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I’ve been thinking about a tattoo for quite a while now and it came together today. Well, not completely, but enough that I know what I want to do now. I’ve been turning ideas over and over in my head for some time, and I’ve had bits and pieces, but I didn’t know what it would look like, and I didn’t want to move forward on it unless it would really mean something.

It’s kind of embarrassing to admit, but I’ve downloaded these two apps onto my phone that have love quotes and love poems on them and I’ve been reading them. This one said, “Don’t put my name in a heart because a heart can be broken. Put it in a circle because circles go on forever.” I loved that, because I don’t want one of those stupid heart tattoos with my wife’s name in it.

Then I read two verses in Song of Solomon that are awesome. One says, I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine,” and the other one says, “Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm.” I thought, “that sounds like a tattoo to me,” so my idea is to have that first verse going in a circle around Ceecee’s name. I think it should have something else, but I can’t figure out what yet. The thing is, I won’t do anything until we get back together and I don’t really think I should say anything about it to her at this point.

I’ve just been devouring the scriptures. I’ve been reading Proverbs out loud because it’s the book of wisdom and I need wisdom. I got to talk to Ceecee on the phone today and I told her that I had made a decision to go to the old church and confess to the pastor everything I had done. I also told her that I was going to go to my parents and tell them the truth. She seemed really shocked.

She had wanted me to talk to the church when everything was going on and I never would, Now, it’s all part of the “restoring the house” vision that God gave me. I’m just going through and trying to systematically correct, make up for, and restore all the things that I failed at before. I failed to own up to what I did and I failed to respect and honor her and now I’m going to.

I also can’t go on deceiving my parents and pretending that things are not the way they are. If things don’t work, they need to know that I brought this about and they need to hear it from me. I don’t know exactly how much I’m going to tell, but it’s important that I do this and that Ceecee knows that I’m doing it.

Ceecee was the one who called me today and I can’t help feeling that she was reaching out in some way. I really hope so. I’m not about to give up.

Day T-25 and Counting…

Posted: August 7, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Monday July 12, 2010

I’m not going to lie; I’m really scared. We had a big fight last night and it was worse than I could have imagined. I don’t even know what started it or how it happened.

When I got to the mall to pick Ceecee up, she seemed kind of off. I don’t know what was wrong, but I probably should have just called the whole thing off. It was just that I had a bunch of food with me in the car and I had such big plans and ideas about the night. I was so excited that I kind of ignored her bad mood and figured that it would go away once we got to her place and she got to eat.

Once we were there, she was tense and I don’t know if I said something wrong or what, but she said she wasn’t hungry and didn’t want to eat. I told her just to relax and let’s try to have fun. I suggested that maybe we could eat on the floor and play cards or a game .

We started to, but she wasn’t into it. Everything was building up toward this confrontation that I didn’t want, but I also felt like I needed to talk to her about love and what Kevin and I talked about, so I did. I told her that I didn’t think she really understood what it was to love unconditionally and that the way God loves us was the same way that we were supposed to love each other.

She got really angry and threw my words back in my face and told me to leave. I tried to get her to see that she was overreacting, but she was too upset. At first I wouldn’t leave and I told her, no, that she needed to hear this. It only made it worse and I ended up leaving anyway when she was furious with me.

Today I am spending the day in fasting and prayer. I don’t know what else to do. I called one of her friends in the hopes that maybe she either has some insight into what’s going on or maybe she’ll talk to her and encourage her to work things out.

Day T-26 and Counting…

Posted: August 6, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Sunday, July 11, 2010

Had a blast last night in Branson. When we got done eating, there was a band getting ready to play on the landing down by the fountain. It was a free 80’s cover show and we stayed and watched. It was a lot of fun for Ceecee especially, because she loves 80’s music.

We went back and crashed at her place, then went to the gym together this morning. I took her to work and then I’ll pick her up at 6 for tapas at her loft. I’m so excited. I think tonight is going to be big in our relationship. God is doing major work in my heart and I want to talk to my wife about some of it.

I went to North Point Church with my friend Adam today and it was really weird. I’m not sure if I liked it or not. It was so different than any church I’ve been to and I was kind of on overload from all the lights, video screens, and loud music. I’d like to go again and see what it’s like when I know what to expect.

I talked to Kevin Holm again today on the phone and we had a really powerful conversation. I don’t remember much of it, but when I got off the phone, I knew what to do. We talked about unconditional love and what that means and how Ceecee needs to have that from me. Now I’m just waiting and watching the clock until I get to see her!

Day T-27 and Counting…

Posted: August 5, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Saturday, July 10, 2010

Tomorrow I’m picking Ceecee up and we’re going to have tapas night at her place. I went to Spain one summer and loved the food, so since I’ve been back, I’ve learned to make all kinds of Spanish tapas. I pair them with different Sherries and we haven’t done it for quite some time. I’m so excited that I started making some of the cold stuff today so it will be ready.

Tonight she’s letting me take her to Branson to eat at Famous Dave’s on the landing. Things have gotten better again and we haven’t really talked about what happened Tuesday morning. I’m just trying to show her that I’m changing and trying to love her in the way she needs to be loved. I know I used to be too needy, so now I’m working on getting my needs met by God, so I can just give to her without needing anything back.

It’s so frustrating, though, to have so much love that I want to give and not to be able to give it. I’ve never known this kind of love, but now she doesn’t really want my love. The verses that I wrote down about love, I’m still saying every day, but now I’m turning them into a kind of a prayer and declaration of faith. I dont’ just say the verses out loud. I put our names into them and speak them out as prayers.

Yesterday, I went to my first counseling appointment. It was amazing. I spent the first 45 minutes thinking it was a total waste of time and money and the last fifteen just completely blown away. He sat at a computer and just asked me questions off a list and I didn’t get to talk about anything I wanted to talk about. He was asking me about my childhood and how I got along with my Dad and all this stuff and I was thinking that this was a stupid idea to come here. Then he just kind of connected the dots with everything I had told him and I’m pretty sure my mouth must have dropped open.

I don’t know what any of it meant, but he sure showed me a picture of myself that made me realize that I do have some issues and some things that need to change. I was pretty eager to make the next appointment and I really want to talk to Ceecee about it, but I’m afraid she’ll just think I’m trying to tell her that I have an excuse for why I was the way I was, or that I’m all fixed now because I went to counseling once. I called Joe and told him that either this guy is really good or really lucky or God just directed the whole conversation.

Day T-29 and Counting…

Posted: August 4, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Thursday, July 8, 2010

I got my bike fixed today and it only cost me $25. Today I rode 15 miles and it was pretty sweet. I don’t know why, but I have it in my mind and spirit that me doing the triathlon is somehow going to have an effect on our separation. It doesn’t make sense, especially now that Ceecee is concentrating on her marathon and probably not going to even be in the triathlon, but I have this mental picture that when I cross that finish line, something is going to break and she’s going to come back to me.

I dont’ know if anyone ever saved his marriage, or won his wife’s love back by running a triathlon, but I believe this, however illogical it might be. I’m going to do this. The triathlon is August 14th, the weekend before school starts. We definitely need to work this out by then or it’s going to really get complicated.

Speaking of school, a teacher friend of mine took me to lunch today. This is the second day in a row someone has bought me lunch and been there to support me and let me talk about my marriage. I told him about the vision of restoring the house and he had something really cool to add. He said that even though the original house looked really great, it wasn’t entirely adequate in the way it was built and that it didn’t just need to be restored, it needed to be added on to and rebuilt correctly.

Day T-35 and counting…

Posted: July 29, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Friday, July 2, 2011

I haven’t seen or barely talked to Ceecee since Tuesday morning. I don’t know what the rules are and what I’m allowed and not allowed to do. I don’t want to push, but I’m also supposed to be pursuing her to win her back. She wants time apart and I’m willing to give her that, but I don’t want her to think that I’m not wanting to be with her.

At the apartment, I’ve been praying and reading a lot about love and marriage. I’ve also been leaning on some friends, which is unusual for me. It was really weird, but my friend Joe told me about this guy he met in his neighborhood who has this amazing story of being divorced from his wife and then getting back together. He told me that now this guy helps other couples who are having marriage problems. He gave me his phone number, but I don’t know what to do with it.

I also have this idea that now I want to get a tattoo, but I’m not sure what or where. I realize that it’s just because I want so desperately to connect with Ceecee, but I really do feel this way. I’ve thought about getting a mini version of what she has somewhere on my body, but I’m afraid that would make me seem weak and desperate and I know that’s not what a woman wants.

Tonight, Ceecee and I are going to first Friday art walk. She wants me to bring Taylor. I want it to be like a date, but I’ll take what I can get at this point.

Day T-50 and counting…

Posted: July 19, 2012 in Love and Marriage
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Thursday, June 17, 2010

These last couple of days have been pretty hard to describe. I’ve been a Christian for most of my life, but I’ve had times that I’ve really believed and been sold out to it, and times that I just play the game or go through the motions. The last several years, I’ve been playing the game.

Well, lately, I’ve been getting pretty serious about reaching out to God. I mean, I need help, and I don’t know where else to turn. So I’ve had some pretty intense times of praying and trying to get right with God for my marriage. I guess I realize that Ceecee has a free will and she’s going to do whatever she’s going to do, so there’s really no use praying for God to change her, but I need to change.

Last night and today, I’ve prayed like never before, and something just broke loose inside. There’s always been a part of my heart that I’ve held onto and I’ve never really let God have it all, but for the first time, I did. I cried until I don’t know where the tears came from anymore and things happened inside me that I can’t explain other than there’s a verse in the Bible that says, “I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart.”

God must have done that because something has changed inside and He showed me things about myself and our marriage that I would never have thought or imagined. It was so unbelievably painful to go through and it took more than a day, but I saw the truth about myself in ways that hurt more than I could have imagined.

He showed me how phony I’ve been. He showed me how badly I’ve neglected both Him and my wife. Then He showed me a vision. I saw my marriage as a house. At the start, it was a really great house, but over the years, it wasn’t kept up. I should have done things that needed taken care of, but I didn’t. I just put things off and let things go, and eventually the house was run down and ugly.

Then He began to show me specific ways that I had failed and areas of neglect that have led to where we are today. The first thing He showed me was about my wife’s wedding ring. This is hard for me to write, but she damaged it when she was working at Target over Christmas back in 2007. It’s a really cool, unique ring and part of it caught on a shopping cart and bent and some of the little diamonds came out and were lost.

Not long after that, I took it to a jeweler and the guy wanted a lot of money and didn’t really seem too interested in fixing it. I told him I’d think about it and he gave it back to me in a little plastic ziploc bag. I brought it home, put it in a drawer, and it’s been there ever since. I don’t know what I’ve been thinking. It’s 2010 and she hasn’t had a wedding ring to wear in more than 2 years! She hasn’t complained and I haven’t even really thought about it.

Anyway, I went to the gym this morning with Taylor and I brought the ring with me. I figured after our workout, I’ll find another jeweler, or I’ll just take it around from place to place. I didn’t really have any plan.

We left the gym and I didn’t know where I was going and as I was turning left out of the parking lot, there was a jeweler right across the street with a sign that said “repairs” on it. I’ve been going to work out right across the street from this place for years and I’ve never noticed it. I went in, talked to the guy, and he had some great ideas for fixing it and he hardly wants any money. I dropped it off and it should be ready within a week. I can’t wait to give it to her and show her that I’m changing! I haven’t said anything about it and I’m just going to have it be a surprise.

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